When it comes to the psychology behind sexual attraction, there are two key factors that affect how we become attracted to someone. We might not be aware of the influence of these factors, but subconsciously, they have a big impact on how attractive we find a potential mate.
In this post, Iโll be diving into those (plus a few bonus factors) to give you a better understanding of the psychology behind sexual attraction. (Also feel free to check out the post on most physically attractive zodiac sign female.)
The Psychology Behind Sexual Attraction: How We Become Attracted
Factor 1: Mood
Weโre more often sexually attracted to someone when we ourselves are feeling good โ or to people who make us feel good.
In sex researcher Justin Lehmillerโs book, The Psychology of Human Sexuality, he emphasizes the importance of our mood when it comes to attraction. He talks about a study made by Krosnick, Betz, Jussim & Lynn (1992), where they examined what happened when one positive and one negative stimulus was introduced to people before they met strangers.
โThe study showed that those whoโd been shown a picture of kittens tended to react more positively to the stranger, while those whoโd been exposed to an image of snakes in a bucket, just before meeting the stranger, reacted more negatively to the unknown person.โ
Lehmiller argued that you can view this as a case of classical conditioning, and I agree with him on this.
The fact that weโre more often sexually attracted to someone when we ourselves are feeling good โ or to people who make us feel good, may not seem surprising in and of itself.
This is, however, interesting in relation to what โpick-up artistsโ usually preach.
Related: Owning Your Sexuality Unapologetically
Negging
A common pick-up method that was discussed a lot about 10 years ago is โneggingโ. In essence, it means you say something negative to someone to catch their attention. Like โhow nice your sweater is, shame the trousers donโt matchโ, or โyour friendโs really hotโ. Pick-up artists claim this is a very successful way of picking someone up.
There are, however, several reasons why this isnโt a good strategy:
- For one, itโs not a very nice way of behaving, generally speaking.ย
- And also, according to science, it doesnโt work.ย
Thereโs a greater chance the person youโre interacting with will become attracted to you if theyโre feeling good โ which isnโt that likely if you insult them.
Factor 2: Similarity
Another interesting factor that determines how sexually attracted to someone we become, is similarity. Lehmiller means that this factor plays a role in the choice of partner โ we more often choose a partner thatโs about as physically attractive as we are. This is also a prominent factor when you consider our partners often have a similar intellectual capacity to our own.
This obviously doesnโt mean everybody makes this kind of choice (just like with all research, this is more or less true for each individual) โ but the pattern is there.
โAn interesting aspect of similarity being important to attraction is that this, in itself, doesnโt guarantee happiness in our relationship or longevity, compared to couples where partners arenโt that similar.โ
Lehmiller brings up dating sites as an example of this. He says that although the matching algorithms on popular matchmaking websites would have you believe that similarity equals happiness, this isnโt backed up by science.
What seems important at the beginning of a relationship doesnโt remain over time. What is important over time for a relationship to last, is something Iโll be delving into in a future blog post, so stay tuned!
Related: 13 Science-Backed Reasons For Physical And Sexual Attraction
Other Factors That May Affect How We Become Sexually Attracted To Someone
1. Other Peopleโs Description Of You
Another study the author points to โ which I thought was very interesting โ is a classic study from 1965, which looked at how attractive we perceived people to be, depending on how others had described them.
Descriptions were divided into four categories: solely positive, solely negative, negative initially then positive, positive initially then negative.
โThe study showed that what people liked the most and what leads to the most attraction, was that the person who described you had gone from disliking to liking you.โ
This may prompt you to ask a few follow-up questions. Thatโs what happened to me, anyway.
- Could it be that the results indicate a human inclination for competitiveness?ย
- Or is it a question of a sense of achievement โ When a person goes from disliking to liking you, we feel weโve somehow deserved it, and we feel attraction?
2. Slip-ups
Another study in Lehmillerโs book looked at clumsiness and awkward mistakes and how they affect how sexually attracted to someone we feel.
โThe study showed that when people we view as successful and clever make minor mistakes โ like spilling wine on their shirt โ we find them more attractive.โ
Itโs thought that successful people (at least people who we perceive as successful) become more human to us when they make minor mistakes, and thatโs what increases the power of attraction.
But, we feel less attracted to people we think of as mediocre when they slip up in a similar way. (Seems a bit unfair, doesnโt it?)
Related: Sapiosexual, Intelligence, And Attraction at work
On A Concluding Note:
Understanding the psychology behind sexual attraction isnโt always straightforward. How we become sexually attracted to someone isnโt always clear-cut. Sometimes it has to do with how successful we perceive a person to be, other times it has to do with winning people over, or the fact that we as individuals have similar personalities.
By learning more about what sparks attraction, you can more easily regain attraction thatโs once been lost, by focusing on the things that drew you in before.
Written By Leigh Noren Originally published on Therapy by Leigh
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