If you want a happy relationship, then you should know that it depends on one thing and a few other things as well. The better you and your partner understand this, the happier you will be in the long run.
Couples who describe their relationships as happy, healthy, or successful donโt just get lucky. Nor do they keep a mantra of all the things the listicles tell them to do or not do.
Partners in happy relationships share an intent to have a strong relationship and they follow through that intention with their words and actions.
Beginning. Middle. End. Thatโs itโ Aย shared intention or visionย for the relationship and aย commitmentย to making it happenย together.
Where many people get stuck, and the thing that has people clamoring to read those 10 thing listicles, is that they arenโt sureย howย to move their shared intention into action. Itโs likely that they are hoping for an easy fix. Couples in solid relationships know it isnโt easy but this is how they do it:
Happy Couples Move through the World with an Awareness of the Other Person.
Partners in healthy relationships know that everyone comes to the table with needs and expectations. Those needs are known and respected, rather than argued, questioned, or minimized. Partners move through the world with the awareness of what the other needs and they work to meet those needs when possible.
Since we began dating, my husband has always been the one who has needed more check-ins when weโre apart. He likes a quick phone call or text when I am out and about. Meโnot so much. Iโd prefer to catch up at the end of the day over dinner. However, he is a child of divorce, and many times when heโd show up to his dadโs house for their weekend visit, his dad would have forgotten that it was his weekend and that my husband was coming over. The sting from that childhood wound has created sensitivity for my husband where he feels like heโs out of the mind of out of my sight.
I could argue and belabor the point. I could call him โcontrollingโ but I donโt. While I wish he didnโt have this insecurity, he does. I do my best to respect it and keep in touch because I donโt want him to feel forgotten about. I want him to know that his soft spots and vulnerabilities will be carefully kept with me.
Related: Want A Healthy Relationship? Stop Making It โAll About Himโ
Successful Couples Make Quality Time Together Non-Negotiable.
When couples commit to having healthy relationships, thereโs no such thing asย โWe gave up time together when we chose to have kids.โย Those in strong relationships donโt allow work to become an excuse for lost time together, either. Rather, couples committed to caring for their relationship respect the obstacles and work to create moments or pockets of time for just them, even if a whole night uninterrupted is unrealistic.
This might mean that they set the alarm fifteen minutes early so they can have coffee before the kids wake-up. It might mean that one visits the other at work for a cup of coffee. They might decide to decline a social invite so they can spend time together.
Couples who plan on staying together know that time together is important and they donโt just give it away mindlessly. They recognize that life gets in the way and they may not have a lot of time together but they make the time they do have count.
Partners in Successful Relationships Know the Rules Apply to Them, Too.
Outside of our homes, when someone does something nice for us, we say โthank youโ. When we need a favor, we say โpleaseโ. When weโve been crabby for no reason, we apologize. Couples who are committed to making it work know that those same rules apply in their relationships, tooโthat they or their partners are not the exceptions to that rule.
Just because your partner knows โyou donโt mean itโ doesnโt mean you get to say it. Couples planning on being together for the long haul know this. They treat their partners with the same common courtesies that we extend to strangers. Even if โthey should be doing the dishesโ, a simple thank you is often extended. Appreciation is said out loud so that partners feel seen and heard.
Related: 10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
Physical Attention and Affection is Not Placed on the Back Burner.
Many people have written about how regular and consistent sex is important in relationships. We know, too, how hard that can be for long-term couples to navigate and negotiate. Itโs a sensitive topic that has to be respected and carefully kept. Successful couples donโt have an easier time navigating this than anyone else. However, they are not put off by the challenge and they commit to keeping talking about it.
Dry spells happen. Couples can have differing sex drives. Kids, work, stress, and health can all be factors that get in the way of regular and consistent affection and attention. The couples who are happier are the ones who donโt accept this as the answer but just keep working on it.
They give one another hugs. They still kiss. They sit close on the couch. They hold hands. They touch inside and outside of the bedroom to maintain that connection when the sex is good and when itโs absent.
Want to know more about how a happy relationship depends on physical affection? Check this video out below:
They Know Thereโs No Such Thing as a 50/50 Relationship.
So many arguments can start with whoโs doing what, whoโs doing more, whoโs always, and whoโs never. Couples who want to stay happy get that there is no such thing as equal division of labor in a long term relationship. At times, someone will be pulling 40% of the weight and the other will pull 60%. At some point, it will shift and someone may be pulling 90% when the other person can only get it together enough to manage 10%.
Thatโs ok, though. Those times donโt last and arenโt permanent. Itโll all even out in the end. Happy couples are aware of this and are mindful enough to make sure the other person gets a turn.
They Trust One Anotherโs Good Intentions.
Itโs so easy to be mad and fly off the handle when we feel abandoned or not taken care of. When someone says something, does something, doesnโt say or doesnโt do something, we quickly create stories about their words and behaviors in our minds. When weโre feeling mad or sad about what just happened, our instinct is often to go to the negative. She doesnโt care about me. He only thinks about himself.
Couples committed to working it out take a breath and argue back to that inner voice. Maybe he didnโt mean to forget to call when he knew he was going to be late. Maybe she was distracted when she said that.
Strong couples recognize that a momentary lapse of intention or respect is not always a reflection of how their partner views the relationship. They keep this in mind, even when they are feeling hurt.
Related: How To Navigate The Stages of Love and Build A Healthy Relationship
Theyย Accept that Good Relationships Involve Work and are Committed to Doing it.
Few in this world just get lucky and have their happiness handed to them. Real happiness is a choice. Choosing to be happy in your relationship is a choice. Working at doing it better every day is a choice. The happy couplesโsuccessful couplesโchoose to be happy and they choose to do the work.
Written byย Heather Gray Originally appeared on The Goodmen Project.com
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