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โYou should have straightened your hair properly; used proper shampoo,โ my barber told me while chopping off chunks of dull locks.
I didnโt say a word. I was feeling so empty.
Memories gathered themselves on those unwanted locks ruined by the heat of a hair straightener I didnโt know how to use properly.
This was one among the number of damages I had done to myself just because, he, my beloved ex wanted me to change.
I sacrificed my love for my natural curls just because he wanted to see me in straight hair. I hated that at first but he kept on insisting me, showing me pictures of girls with straight hairs; he was so full of their beauty and he wanted me to be like them.
I was blindly in love; I could do anything for him. He became an irreplaceable entity of my life.ย From changing the look of my hair to wearing dresses I was most uncomfortable inโฆI was ready to do things I always hated, just because of him. High heels gave me pain. I couldnโt walk for days but I would, just because he wanted it.
But no matter whatever I did, that couldnโt stop him from leaving.
โI canโt be with you. You canโt change yourself in the way I want,โ he broke off.
How can I change myself completely into a different person?
How can I stop loving animals? For him? How could it be possible?
โI canโt live in a zoo,โ he thrashed me deriding my love for pets.
I was so deeply broken.
โYou look really cute in your short-hair,โ my barber chuckled. โLet me color a few strands blue.โ
I agreed. I felt lighter. It seemed to me that a big burden was slowly getting removed. I havenโt cut my hair because he loved long hair. He loved so many things except me.
This happened a few years back. This happens to a lot of people. Most of us have gone through those phases when we fell in love with someone deeply and tried to change ourselves because that person wanted us to. But in the end, we got hurt and betrayed.
Falling in love is healthy but losing oneself in love is not.
Relationships need a lot of compromises and adjustments. But compromises do not mean changing oneself into a completely different person.
Even if you change, you should be happy about it from within. You cannot turn into someone you canโt identify yourself with. After my break-up, I was very scared to fall in love again. That was the time when my mother told me, โDonโt get scared. Go ahead and explore. Just remember, you need to be yourself. Donโt lose yourself.โ
I remained single for a year or so and focused on exploring myself before I met my fiancรฉ. When we started dating, I told myself repeatedly that I would not lose my identity in the relationship. All of us should keep this in mind while dating. Now, you might ask, what are the things we can do to prevent this losing of our identities? We have made a list for you.
Follow these 8 things and you will be able to maintain your identity and stay happy in the relationship.
(1) Do things you love:
Keep on doing things you love. Wear that particular dress or go to that cafe you love. Not necessarily your partner should accompany you. The relationship doesnโt mean you have to do only what your partner likes. Think of yourself as an individual entity. Retain that bohemian look you always loved because that suits you. Eat your favorite pizza even if your partner hates it. Let him order something else. Donโt imitate him or donโt try to follow him.
(2) Go on date with yourself:
You are in a relationship. Thatโs great. But not necessarily you and your partner will be going everywhere together. Give time to yourself. Be it a movie or a restaurant, go there alone. Explore yourself. Enjoy being with yourself and then only you will be able to enjoy being with him.
(3) Always stay in touch with your friends:
When you are dating someone, you have to become friends with your partnerโs peers. But stay in touch with your friends too. Your friends too define a part of you. You love being with them. They have seen you through thick and thin. You might be a little busy but give time to them. They know what is the right movie to cheer you up when you are sick or where should you plan your trip together on fall break. Donโt lose them, ever!
(4) Always stay connected with your family:
Remember, no matter what, your family will never leave you. They have seen you grow up and they will be there for you no matter what. They love you for the person you are. I always share a very close bonding with my mother. My mother gives me the best relationship advice. In fact, she helped me a lot when I was going through my break-up. The family keeps you rooted to your true self.
(5) Do things you are passionate about:
Do you like singing? Continue it. You sing for yourself; not necessarily all singers should become Britney Spears. Your passions define you. If you engage yourself in doing things you love, you will be happy. Your psychological attributes are shaped by your passions. Continue with them; focus on them.
(6) Always be logical:
One of the common mistakes we make while in love is we become biased. Stop doing that. He said something rude to you. Thatโs his fault. Yes, he might love you truly but that doesnโt give him the liberty to be rude to you. Be straightforward and clear it. He keeps an eye on wherever you go by saying that heโs just caring. Try to understand the differences between caring and controlling. Remember where to draw the line. Just because he loves you, that doesnโt mean he owns you. Always be rational. If the same thing happens to your friend, would you still feel the same? Then Why are you justifying his actions in the name of love? Donโt.
(7) Keep a boundary around you:
Always maintain a boundary around you. Donโt be too vulnerable. Loving someone doesnโt mean giving away everything or sacrificing. If he is crossing the line, tell that.
(8) Accept that he might leave:
Donโt live in fear that he will leave one day. Accept it. People change and people leave. If he is meant to leave, he will do that. You canโt pull him back. If you live in a constant fear that he will leave, you will try to change yourself in negative ways. Donโt let these thought come inside your head. Accept whatever that comes. If he is meant to stay, he will. You need to accept life.
Remember, itโs your life and you are responsible for your own choices and happiness. Fall in love but donโt lose yourself. If you be yourself, the right person will definitely be with you, now or later.
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