Did you fall in love with a person who was so amazing that you thought you’d been blessed with a soulmate? Great!
Then, did you soon find the relationship deteriorating into something more like being cursed with a cellmate?
That happens too often. I wish it didn’t, but it does.
You’ve heard that when something seems too good to be true, it probably isn’t. That happens in relationships, too.
One big thing is true: you are responsible for keeping yourself safe. Sometimes, you forget this when you are so charmed and enchanted by that seemingly perfect new person in your life. You abandon your concerns—and your judgment—to experience the joys of falling in love, while being swept off your feet.
Yes, of course, that happens and things only get better as time goes on. In those relationships, you will be emotionally safe. But, there are far too many that don’t work that way.
BUBBLE BURSTER: There are people in the world who simply want to have power over you.
All the charm, seduction, and seeming perfection is short-lived. In fact, it usually only lasts long enough to get you to fall for them, move in, marry, or get pregnant. Followed shortly thereafter by them wanting to control you, your life, your family, friends, and finances!
And, with that need for control, the charm, seduction and seeming perfection become what it always was: lying, exploitation, and manipulation. You don’t want to believe it. You want to keep the “happily ever after” story.
You want to believe the lies. They were magical. You were enchanted. It seemed perfect.
You want to believe the promises, even though, all evidence in your day-to-day life tells you differently. Yet, you hold on. S/he will change. You tell yourself,
“If only I am more patient, kind, loving, understanding, nurturing, undemanding, compassionate, etc., then things will get better.”
When you are in an emotionally unsafe relationship, your partner is counting on you believing it’s your fault things aren’t working. In fact, once you think about it, you’ll realize that, actually, everything is your fault. At least, that’s what your partner tells you. You are not emotionally safe. In fact, you’re likely not safe in any way at all!
Read Setting Healthy Boundaries Keep You Safe
Let’s back up for a minute and talk about what emotional safety really is. I like this quote from Anais Nin:
“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
When you are wearing rose-colored glasses, you will miss all the red flags. When you see poor behavior, things that make you feel uncomfortable, and you rationalize, justify, and make excuses for them, you are now accepting and condoning them. And, you’re the one who is hurting!
If you are trusting, loving, honest, and reliable, we expect everyone to be. We see people as we are. And, that’s a wonderful place to start in any relationship. Problem is: we forget to take off the rose-colored glasses. We refuse to see the red flags. We don’t want to believe people use people, and we don’t want to believe we are allowing ourselves to be used, either.
You are emotionally unsafe when you cannot both be open, honest, and vulnerable without being fearful of being put down, discounted, or made fun of. When only one person is open, honest, and vulnerable, too often, the other is power-hungry and using you for a doormat.
Don’t let anyone wipe their feet on you!
To be safe means to be free from harm and hurt. You also want to be free from anticipating being harmed or hurt. When someone wants to have power over you, your freedom is in jeopardy. You begin to anticipate being hurt, again. You are not emotionally safe. And, maybe, not physically safe, either.
You have to be safe to risk, to expose, to share. As Don Catherall, put it in his book, Emotional Safety,
“One partner can say something stupid, and the other person ignores it or doesn’t look at it as significant. There’s a level of trust. But when they lose that safety, everything has the potential to flare up. They stop taking things at face value or giving each other the benefit of the doubt.”
Then, you’re often not emotionally safe. You’re afraid. You don’t want to be. You want to trust, so you make up excuses for the behavior, but you’re not feeling safe. Can you acknowledge that to yourself?
Right now, this minute:
- Are you feeling safe in your relationship?
- Can you trust your partner with your innermost feelings, and not fear being put down?
- Can you trust your partner to listen to you with interest and compassion?
- Can you trust your partner to want the best for you, and do what is possible to make it happen?
- Can you trust your partner to keep your secrets safe, and protect your vulnerabilities?
If not, you are not emotionally safe. If any of these things are true, it’s time to rip off the rose-colored glasses, stand up, and take a good look around.
What are you putting up with?
What are you making excuses for?
What are you continuously rationalizing and justifying that is just plain uncaring, thoughtless, and dismissive?
These destructive patterns in your partner are not your fault. Likely, your partner tells you they are. That’s to keep the power over you. And, if you go along with it, you are enabling your partner to continue to misuse and abuse you. Yes, abuse!
I know you don’t want to think of it as abuse. You don’t want to believe your partner is abusive. You don’t want to believe you would allow yourself to be abused. You don’t want to think of your partnership as abusive. I get that. But, that doesn’t change things. It’s abuse!
Stop taking the blame for your partner’s bad behavior! It’s not your fault. It’s a choice the other person is making.
Stop making excuses for your partner’s abuse of you, and the relationship. Rip off those rose-colored glasses, and throw them away for good. They only end up blinding you to the red flags in life.
Who would be foolish enough to wear them once they realize that? People who have little self-esteem and even less self-confidence. If you are recognizing a pattern you may be trapped in here, know that you can escape.
You are the only person who can keep you emotionally safe!
Being with someone who needs to have power over you, to keep you uncertain and in fear, is the first thing to recognize. That’s why I wrote the free ebook, How to Spot a Hijackal™ at Hijackals.com. I created the term, Hijackal, to describe a person who hijacks a relationship for his or her own purposes and then relentlessly scavenges it for power, status, and control.
Does that sound—or more importantly, feel–familiar? You’ll quickly see the traits, patterns, and cycles when you read the ebook. Power is the air that Hijackals breathe. They need it, crave and demand it. When you’re with a Hijackal, you are being suffocated so that the Hijackal can take control.
Stop! You are emotionally unsafe with a Hijackal. And, it won’t change.
Hijackals don’t change. I know that’s hard to believe because you have been telling yourself that with enough love, patience, and all that from you, the Hijackal will finally believe she or he is loved enough, and relax. No, it won’t happen. Believe me.
Yes, I know you don’t want to. You want to believe the Hijackal, and believe in the Hijackal. Don’t! A Hijackal only has interest in what feeds the need for power and control.
I know it sounds harsh, but truly a Hijackal could care less about you, as long as she or he is getting what is needed for themselves. Hijackals don’t have love to give you. They have used for you. The harsh truth. Believe it now, or believe it later, but it’s still the truth.
You have the right to be emotionally safe. You have the responsibility to keep yourself emotionally safe.
Are you willing to rip off those rose-colored glasses and see how it is, at last? Great. That’s a big vote in favor of yourself, and you deserve to be safe. Believe that!
Emotional safety means feeling accepted. It is the sense that you are safe from emotional attack or harm. A Hijackal will never allow you to feel accepted, acceptable, or good enough.
If all this sounds horribly familiar, that’s the first important step to recovery. The next is to get help to recognize the patterns, traits, and cycles. Then, to gather the new attitudes, mindsets, and strategies to step into your own power, and say no to abuse.
Read How to Use the Gray Rock Method (Safely) In Dealing With Toxic Relationships
You have the right to be emotionally safe. Exercise your rights!
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Written by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Originally appeared on Forrelationship.com
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