Have you ever gone through a very painful heartbreak, that you found very difficult to move on from? A heartbreak that has broken your heart into a million little pieces, and it felt like you can never recover from this pain? A heartbreak that seems impossible to move on from?
Heartbreak happens to all of us.
You meet someone. They seem different from the rest. There is something special about them, and then a special spark happens between you two. They reciprocate the attention and affection you give them, which you crave. To you, they might even do everything right. They make you feel stronger, better, and more secure. At least at the beginning.
Things progress quickly. You soon fall in love.
But then the worst happens.
They do not meet your needs or you don’t meet their needs, and it’s a whole mess of emotional inability to reconcile.
For a number of reasons, you may break up. The split may be hard but you think you’ll be better off without them. They say the same about you. Tensions are high. And finally, you stop reaching out to them to make it right. Cold turkey- you finally cut off communication. You ghost them, or they ghost you.
You find yourself thinking about the beginning again after some space, wanting them more now than ever. But they won’t return the sentiment.
Related: 5 Essential Steps to Recovery from Heartbreak
You start to realize some things in the midst of the heartbreak.
1. We idealize the past relationship that we were in and the person.
2. We replay the best moment in our minds, forgetting the worst.
3. We lose sight of our identity without that person.
We stalk social media, compare ourselves to their current boyfriend or girlfriend, check our phone constantly to see if they contacted us, and rinse and repeat the pattern.
Loss is important to feel. Grief is part of being human and watching seasons change is as well. But we need not stay there. Remorse and regret may be bigger than we like. They may overwhelm us.
Fights might replay in our minds. Did I say the right thing? I shouldn’t have said that. Did they really mean that? Who am I without them? We may still come up with rebuttals to their arguments because we can’t let it go.
It’s time to set yourself right. A reset button exists in our hearts. It is when we need a change. We can choose our attitude, value ourselves again, and rely on self-worth. The love might not be over yet…or maybe it is. You can honor the love you feel while still saying goodbye.
Here Are 7 Tips That Can Help You Heal From Heartbreak
1. Let yourself feel
The first step to getting over anybody is to let yourself feel the pain of loss. Let yourself feel the good memories, the bad, etc. Let yourself be human and do human things. Let yourself be free of judgment. It was once important to you, all-consuming even, but you have to let it go eventually.
Grief takes its time. There’s no timeline. It has no rhyme or reason for coming in and out of your life. You could feel over it until one day your song with this person comes on the radio. You then have to pull over and cry in your car. These things happen. But they do not define us.
You loved. Acknowledge that. It’s okay to love. It’s okay to try new things. Life is full of twists and turns with lessons to learn. You have to let yourself feel through the heartbreak until you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you hate that you loved, it still exists. It still happened. And for now, it is a part of you. That does not mean that just because the relationship is over that you are over. You are just on a new path.
Love does not have to be over either. You can start over when ready after experiencing the loss.
2. Remove Reminders
It’s time to get rid of your ex’s presence in your life. If you’re not ready to permanently remove it, then simply get it out of sight and make sure they don’t contact you. These things can trigger you. You want to live without running into the walls of your past.
Those pictures on your wall? Get rid of them. That stuffed animal from the carnival game win? Get rid of it.
You can love again if you know that these items do not have power over you. You can cradle them again, cry over them, scream at them. The process is not perfect. But you can live again once you start accepting it’s over. It’s just one way to do that.
Related: Healing From Heartbreak: 5 Important Steps You Can Take To Move On
3. Unsent Letter
It feels like a great idea to give them every thought in your head, every insult, every rush of wanting to meet again, but it’s not. You will go back and forth, up and down until you stabilize again after heartbreak. Write it out in a letter that you can keep adding to as your feelings resurface then disappear and the anger sets in then the tears. It’s just for your eyes.
Release your anger by writing an unsent letter. Turn it into good by sharing the experience or wisdom from it in a professional outlet like a blog or a book.
It keeps you from saying things that you regret but also from rehashing and reliving it all. The person at the receiving end may retaliate if you just spew anger blindly. It’s about keeping your heart safe while your expressions are sincere.
4. Reset Your Standards Higher
If this person did not bring you all you needed in a relationship, it’s time to reset your standards and make them higher. Create a list of what you are looking for rather than reflect on the lack of the past.
Example-
The next person will…
- Bring out my best.
- Make me laugh.
- Keep me motivated.
- Assert concerns rather than act passive-aggressively/aggressively.
- Compliment me.
- Be healthy and motivated.
- Be honest and sincere.
- Be positive and purposeful.
- Share my values.
- Respect me no matter what.
Continue to strive to be these things for yourself. You can push yourself, compliment yourself through positive self-talk, and stay motivated. A lover should simply add to what you’re already giving yourself. Not replace it or be the prime motivation for anything you do.
5. Recognize red flags.
The times they didn’t keep their promises, the times you felt a disconnect with them or felt unseen. The arguments you had which you still play over and over again in your head hoping for a different outcome. The things they said that you still fight about in your mind. The never-ending loop you were in of patterns that would just not disappear.
All these things you have to remember. Write them down, get them out, vent, talk to a therapist. Record them in some way so you can remember them when you start missing this person. Don’t let loneliness draw you back into toxicity. Wake up. That person’s not here. But you are. You’re still standing.
Why ignore such red flags? Processing negative information can be very daunting, especially when it challenges everything you thought you knew about the person and your relationship. You have to write down the red flags in retrospect and see what you missed. Why did you just accept a conflict that was mishandled? What if you were mishandled?
You can’t ignore such things in the future. You have to let others into your world. Ask what they saw. It may mean revisiting old memories, crying again, or even feeling for tender moments such as when you made up. But it does not mean you have to accept red flags ever again. Let this be an awakening.
Related: 13 Red Flags Of A Doomed Relationship
6. Stay. Focused.
Your goals are what matter. In the long term, this person will no longer have power over you or your emotional wellbeing. For now, you are fragile and feeling isolated and alone. You have to remember your goals and stay focused. No matter what. What are you going to do with your life? What about in the next five minutes? What are your dreams, your vision?
Focusing on yourself lessens the pain of the promise another made to you that was broken. You are able to start over. You get another chance at life in fact. You get to pick who’s in it.
Rediscover yourself. Give yourself the time and attention you deserve. Most likely, you’ve been neglected since the downfall of your last relationship. Rather than just reconciling with the ex, look to your own true self, someone you can trust and depend on like a best friend. You need that person to care. You still care about yourself, but you’ve been hurting so you haven’t been healthy. This is the time to declare yourself new. Try new things. Meet new people.
The more you focus on yourself and your goals, the less you will think about your ex. You will only be at your best if you remember what’s best about you.
Want to know more about healing from heartbreak? Check this video out below!
7. You will still remember.
Lastly, you will still remember and reflect on times with your ex. You will still have grief. You will sometimes have love. You will have days where anger resurfaces and days where they don’t even come to mind. Over time, it will get easier. This is all-natural. Don’t stuff it down when it pops up. Acknowledge and accept it then let it go.
Don’t avoid your life just because they were once in it. Most of all, don’t be afraid to love again. But remember,
“Never love anybody that treats you like you’re ordinary.”- Oscar Wilde
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