When Trauma Affects Your Trust In Your Relationship

 / 

When it comes to trauma, itโ€™s like this big, black hole that constantly weighs you down, and also trauma affects your trust on your partner when you are in a relationship.

Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be a huge event or a more subtle pain that you try hard to overlook, though it still haunts you. Collective traumas are suffered by many. They include war, terrorism, an accident, or a catastrophic weather episode that results in death or other forms of mass loss and upheaval.

Individual traumas are those that happen uniquely and specifically to you, such as threats, assaults, abuse, family strife, and physical or mental boundary violations. Individual traumas are often experienced silently and can feel like your own personal prison.

When youโ€™re traumatized, thereโ€™s a driving internal force to feel safe and cared for, especially by your partner. Whether youโ€™re conscious of it or not, this can become your central focus as you try to heal. You delve into if/then scenarios in an effort to soothe yourself and look for a way out of that uncomfortable place you are in.ย If your partner can just reassure you, support you, and help you deal with your pain, then you will feel protected, validated, and able to heal.

Related: 4 Ways To Overcome Past Relationship Trauma That Is Affecting Your Current One

However, itโ€™s essential to be aware that what youโ€™re hoping to receive from the relationship may be unrealistic or disproportionate to what your partner can give.

Trauma is so overwhelming and creates such internal chaos that it distorts your ability to gauge what your partner can realistically offer. This may be in part because they have been traumatized too, whether or not either of you realizes it. Not only does your trauma affect how you perceive the comfort you receive, but your partnerโ€™s trauma affects their ability to provide what youโ€™re looking for as you seek out safety and security.

When youโ€™ve endured collective or individual trauma, your trust in how things are supposed to be is drastically altered. In turn, your sense of safety and connection to yourself and others is negatively impacted. You are bracing for the next impact, whether or not one will follow. Understandably, thereโ€™s a need within you to secure your foundation and establish or re-establish a sense of stability in the world.

Whether youโ€™re in a new relationship or one thatโ€™s established, you may be looking to your partner to do the impossible: fill the void created by trauma.

Be aware that being traumatized is akin to being betrayed, and that you might carry feelings of vulnerability, exposure, and pain. The last thing you want is for your relationship to create further feelings of betrayal and disappointment because you donโ€™t feel understood or validated. Therefore, itโ€™s crucial to remember that your partner comes from a different background, life experience, and has different communication patterns from you.

They exist in a different body and have a different brain. The onus is on you to communicate with your partner and to describe as best you can what youโ€™re feeling and why. Try to resist slipping into a thought process of expecting them to โ€œjust knowโ€ what you are feeling and experiencing.ย While your pain may be all-consuming, and those thoughts in your head may be very loud, understand that these feelings belong to you. You might have to power through your own trauma just long enough to help your partner help you to feel better.

For example, patients often describe the things they wished their partner had said or done in certain situations. The disappointment and experience of being let down by them can be a huge disappointment in its own right; it is as if they feel the relationship history and connection should leave little room for error or misunderstanding.

Want to know more about how trauma affects your trust in a relationship? Check this video out below!

Feeling betrayed, misunderstood, and diminished all culminate in what you view as your partnerโ€™s insensitivity because your partner did not or could not handle your needs in a way that would better meet your longings. When patients talk about their disappointment, itโ€™s often clear that the extent to which they feel disappointed is not about the partnerโ€™s failure to soothe, but about the trauma that preceded it.

You donโ€™t want them to feel your outward anger about what they did wrong โ€“ this just perpetuates a cycle of distrust.ย Your partner is working hard in their own way to forge and maintain the connection.ย Itโ€™s so profoundly important to recognize that your hope for what your partner can give likely far exceeds what theyโ€™re capable of giving. This is no oneโ€™s fault.

Related: 11 Reasons Why Trust Is More Important Than Love In A Relationship

In approaching your partner to talk about your painful experiences, rather than continue to build a case for disappointment, frustration, and distrust, start a conversation by showing gratitude for what they have done, and acknowledging that it must be so hard for them at times to figure out what you need. Communicate your needs very clearly to them.

Knowledge is power and self-knowledge is the ultimate power.ย Creating a healthy dialogue around expectations will help you discern whether or not there is enough of an investment by both partners to work on and progress in the relationship. Keep in mind that it is more important to acknowledge your partnerโ€™s efforts.ย Even when they donโ€™t succeed, knowing they are trying to help you through your pain is the most validating contribution they can make to your recovery.


Written by Suzanne Lachmann
Originally Appeared In Dr. Suzanne Lachmann
taruma affects your trust in relationship pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The Ultimate Guide to Emotional Parentification

Have you ever felt like you were the parent in your relationship with your mom and dad? Thatโ€™s emotional parentification, and itโ€™s a lot more common than you think.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What is Parentification?

Do you f

Up Next

Caught in a Loop: The Role of Repetition Compulsion in Relationships

Repetition compulsion is a common issue in relationships, leading many people to relive old hurts and conflicts. These recurring patterns and conflicts can feel frustration and bewildering. Explore how repetition compulsion works in the article below.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

KEY POINTS

Up Next

What Is Irrational Guilt And How Can You Overcome It?

There are so many people in this world who suffer from irrational guilt over things that were completely out of their control. Itโ€™s a heavy burden to carry and if you are one of them, then know that you are not alone. Living with irrational guilt is heartbreaking, but overcoming irrational guilt is not as impossible as it may seem.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

Spotting Emotional Neglect In Childhood: 8 Important Clues

Anyone who has been through emotional neglect in childhood knows that it never leaves you; it haunts you for the rest of your life. Itโ€™s like an invisible wound, that may not leave invisible scars, but it can shape you in ways you might not even notice.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Maybe it was the feeling that somethingโ€™s missing from your childhood, but you cou

Up Next

7 Proven Ways To Process And Heal From Collective Trauma

Facing trauma not only as an individual but as a part of a community is real. It can happen for multiple reasons but grave societal issues are the primary ones.

Hence, sometimes this trauma can be inherited from the family as well. This is a shared collective trauma that elderly family members may pass on to their children and it continues.

Suppose your grandparents faced tremendous trauma for a particular type of social issue that may happen frequently but does not become a grave matter always. Hence, this fear of loss may pass to your parents and come to you.

So, now you have trauma for this particular type of social issue, and whenever you see it is going to happen you become extremely traumatized and anxious. Therefore, sometimes you may be a part of c

Up Next

Forgiveness After Trauma: 7 Practical Steps For Embracing Forgiveness And Healing

Forgiveness after trauma can feel impossible, but itโ€™s a powerful step towards healing and reclaiming your peace. Explore how you can embrace forgiveness and finally move on from your painful past.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

In this life, each of us has a tapestry of experiences. Many of those pieces, unfortunately, come with the heavy and dark t

Up Next

7 Common Trauma Beliefs Preventing You From Finding Love

Are you still single, even after putting in a lot of effort to find love? The answer might lie in your trauma beliefs. Yes, you heard me right. Trauma beliefs are the deep-seated, often subconscious notions formed from past painful experiences that shape how you see yourself and relationships, in general.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});