Can You Love Your Abuser? How To Stop Being In Love With Them

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This might seem illogical, but can you love your abuser, someone who doesnโ€™t treat you right? There is an explanation for this, learn more about this in the article below!

To become free, itโ€™s important to understand the root cause of abusive relationships and why you continue to love an abuser despite the way they treat you. By Dr. Elinor Greenberg

Clarence Darrow said:

โ€œHistory repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history.โ€

If you are still in love with someone who physically and emotionally abuses you, your main problem is your pastย not your present.

It is quite likely that in yourย childhood, you loved a parent who abused you.

Children love theirย parentsย and seek their approval, even when the parent is abusive.

Eventually, over time your brain made the connection and love became coupled with abuse. In fact for some people,ย Love = Abuse.

As one woman said to me:

โ€œHow will I know if he cares, if he doesnโ€™t beat me?โ€

Your past connection between love and abuse persisted into the present and is one of the reasons that you still love your abusiveย mate.

love your abuser

Unfinished Situations Persist inย Memory

Gestalt Psychologists Kurt Lewin (1890-1941) and Bluma Zeigarnik (1900-1988) theorized that unfinished situations from the past press for fulfillment in the present.

Bluma Zeigarnik went on to research this topic and published her findings in 1927. This need for closure and its persistence in our minds has come to be called โ€œThe Zeigarnik Effect.โ€

Read 7 Reasons Why People End Up Loving An Abuser

The Relationship โ€œDo-Overโ€ โ€“ Can You Love Your Abuser?

One way to understand your choice of this abusive personย and your continued love for him or her is that you are attempting to get closure.

Your relationship withย a parent (or an important earlyย caregiver)ย was abusive andย unsatisfactory. On anย unconsciousย level, you chose a new person to love who reminded you of your abusive caregiver. This allowed you and your adult lover to recreate aspects of your abusive childhood relationship.

Your main desire is not to be abused again, but to have the new relationship turn out better than the childhood one. Subconsciously you believe that, if this new person could love you in the way that your parent did not, you would be able to resolve lingering issues from your traumatic childhood.

In essence you were seeking (and still are seeking) a โ€œDo-Overโ€ relationship that ends satisfactorily so that you can move on.

This makes it harder to let go of your abusive loverย because you had unconsciously chosen thisย personย not just for his or herย own charms, but for the similarity betweenย the way the two of you relateย to your past relationship with your abusive parent.

How to stop loving your abuser?

I suggest that you enterย psychotherapyย and work on your childhood issues with your parents. You are like someone who has caught their coat on a nail in the past and now you cannot go forward without first going back to unhook it.

Without working on the underlying source of your problem, even if you get over this person, you may choose another who is just as unsuitable.

Some Steps to Take When You Love Your Abuser:

1. Identify the Caregiver.

It may help you to reflect on how you have felt during thisย romantic relationshipย and compare it to how you felt as a child. This can help you identify the caregiver who first created this pattern of love and abuse.

2. Replace.

When you start longing for your abusive lover, replace his or her face and name with that of the original person (parent or caregiver) who started this whole dysfunctional relationship pattern with you.

3. Remind.

Then remind yourself that your abusive loverย is just the stand-in for your parent.

Children cannot let go of their parentsโ€”but this abusive personย is not your parent. You can let go. What your inner child wants is something that your abusive mateย canย never give you.

WRead Why Do I Feel Sorry For My Abuser? Why Do I Love The One Who Hurts Me?

Punchline

At first glance, it may seem illogical that you still love someone who physically and emotionally abused you. But, if you understand that it was an attempt to finally get emotional closure from a childhood wound, it begins to make more sense.

The above is adapted from a Quora answer called: How can I stop being in love with a man who physically and mentally abuses me? (Nov. 26, 2017)


Originally appeared on Psychology Today
Written by Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.
Can You Love Your Abuser? How To Stop Loving Your Abuser
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