Husbands can be Influential
If husbands accept influence only then can they be positively influentialย for a relationship.ย
Research by Dr. John Gottmanย has shownย that relationships are much more successful when men allow themselves to be influenced by their partners. Itโs important for women to accept influence too, but the research has shown that the majority of women already do this.
Being open to influence requires a man to let go of avoidant strategies like distancing, attacking, and defensiveness. This doesnโt mean adopting an inferior position, but rather allowing his partnerโs needs to be of primary importance in his life.
Accepting influence is also about moving from a position of โmeโ to โwe,โ which requires a shift toward more maturity and complexity, beyond seeing the world as a binary, win-lose, right-wrong, zero-sum game.
Stan Tatkin, Ph.D. describes this movement from a one-person system to a two-person system as โsecure functioning.โ Such shift demands and facilitates maturation by caring for oneโs relationship in the long term through considering anotherโs mind and emotions.
Read Being Blamed In Your Relationship? How To Stop The Blame Game
Yield to win
Iโd like to introduce you to Susan and Michael. Michael is a highly accomplished entrepreneur who has started several companies and sold them at a significant profit. He is quick-witted and decisive and gives off an air of confidence and intelligence.
Here in my office, outside his public persona of success, he demonstrates that he can be fragile when his wife brings up her concerns about the distance in their relationship. She expresses her need for more connection, both emotionally and physically.
During this session, Susan asserts herself with Michael by looking directly at him declaring, โI love you Michael, but I feel so alone sometimes even when youโre right next to me.โ
Michaelโs first impulse is to become defensive, as he turns to me and says, โSee! Iโm never enough for her.โ
Rather than saving him from the pain in this moment, I allow the pressure to build. I have confidence that he can respond with more skill than he is demonstrating, and that itโs his defensiveness and fear of being more collaborative that stop him from moving his relationship forward.
Part of his defensive position comes from framing his relationship as a win-lose proposition, something that has worked well for him in the context of business, but this attitude is genuinely harming his relationship.
He doesnโt realize that by yielding to his wifeโs concerns, allowing them to influence his next move, through appropriate action, words, gaze or touch, he can create a win-win experience that will feel good to both of them. This will also allow him to feel competent, something that is very important for Michael in all areas of his life.
Redirecting Michael back to Susan, I give him an encouraging smile and ask, โMichael, whatโs your next move?โ
He is hesitant, which is surprising for a man who is seen as a powerhouse by so many. He slowly reaches out to Susan, takes her hands in his, looks in her eyes, and says โYouโre right, I know how distracted I can get, and I know thatโs not fair to you, to either of us actually. I also want more with you, but I donโt know what to do. Iโm not good at not knowing how to do something.โ
With that, Susan lights up, moves closer, and kisses him. She whispers to him with delight, โThis is what Iโm looking for!โ
Read Emotionally Intelligent Husbands Are Key To A Lasting Marriage
It was a breakthrough moment in their marriage.
When we first began working together, Michael wasnโt willing to be influenced by Susan. He heard her complaints as demands and criticisms, which he saw as a threat to his sense of self. Now heโs able to listen to her with interest and curiosity.
He allows himself to be impacted by her state, her thoughts, her emotions, and her needs, and he understands that itโs in his best interests to create a relationship that is satisfying for both of them. This is a win-win.
He has begun to experience how accepting influence actually results in getting more of what he wants from his partner. It becomes self-reinforcing as he feels the rewards of success not just in work, but in his marriage, too.
On a neurological level, Michael is learning to use more of his prefrontal cortex, that amazing structure of the brain that helps us to imagine and weigh future consequences while dampening the primitive impulse to attack or be defensive.
When men are able to allow themselves to be influenced by their partner, they take a significant step in moving their relationship forward towards greater happiness and satisfaction while becoming more mature and secure in the process.
Written By Jeff Pincus
Leave a Reply