Are you one of those parents who raise confident children? Iโm yet to meet a parent who doesnโt want their kids to be successful. At least of the calibre of Bill Gates, J.K. Rowling or Taylor Swift.ย
And, of course, what weโve been repeatedly told by the media, gurus and teachers alike is that what makes it all possible is a powerful intangible thing calledย self-esteem. ย
โYou need to believe in yourself if you want to become someone in lifeโ is an adage thatโs been around for longer than we can remember. But itโs not just some self-help fluff.ย Studies do tell usย that those who appear confident (over-confident even) are viewed as more competent, thereforeโ are better compensated for their perceived โproficiencies.โ
The thing about true self-esteem, thoughโas those who relentlessly seek it can attest toโis that itโs not an easy mindset to build. There is no magic formula.
If we are to believe someย not-so-distant research, self-esteem, or having a positive or negative sense of self, is well-established by the time we reach 5 years of age. Thatโs scarily young. And around the same time, kids also start to compare to others, such as friends and acquaintances and form opinions how they fare against them.
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So, when it comes to helping our kids grow into self-confident adults, the job becomes even more challenging, as we only have a short window of opportunity to do so.
What can we do, then, as parents, to ensure our children learn to value themselves? How to raise confident children?
Hereโs my advice.
1. Donโt overpraise
We all fall into this trap, naturally. We want to make our children feel good about themselves. Butย โinflated praiseโย as โYou are terrific,โ โYou are the smartest,โ โPerfectโ often backfires.
In a study of 712 kids, those who had low esteem and were given inflated acclaim, actually felt worseโthey were under pressure to keep meeting the high standards implied in the accolades. And because they feared the praise will be taken away when they fail, they aimed to avoid challenges altogether.
So, tone down your kudos. A well-intended cheer to show your pride and encouragement for your little ones can easily advance into a FONA (fear of not achieving) syndrome or narcissism.
2. Encourage effort, not outcome
The influential American psychologistย Carl Rogers, in his famed Theory of Personality, talks about the so-calledย โconditions of worth.โย When approval and affection are contingent upon certain performance, he asserted, our self-esteem suffers.
If parental support and love hinges on kids achieving certain goals, they develop an unstable sense of self-value. When we say things as โIโm so proud youย got an โAโย on your math test,โ โYou were so good at the gameย whenย you scored that goal,โ it automatically creates the condition of worth. And often children feel compelled to keep living up to these expectations.
Of course, moderate amounts of pressure can be incentivising. But when the bar is set too high, it takes its toll. Whatโs even more,ย research tells us, only theย perceptionย of parental criticism can have the same unfavourable outcomes, such as anxiety, depression, or acting-out behaviours.
If you want to raise confident children, then encourage effort not outcome!
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3. Unconditional love is also not the magic bullet
The oppositeโcompletely unconditional love, paradoxically, may also lead to low, not high, self-esteem,ย asย a piece in Psychology Today claims. A too forgiving attitude wonโt give kids the skills to handle obstacles and criticism later in life. Grit and perseverance are built from oneโs own experiences. Leaning to surmount hurdles is not something that can be classroom-taught, it comes from doing and trying.
So, let them work through difficult situations on their ownโchallenge and encourage them, but also teach them to accept failure as an inevitable part of life.
4. Everything is not always ok
Telling kids things as โEverything is ok,โ โNothing is wrong,โ โMommy is crying because sheโs being sillyโ is not a good approach to help them handle lifeโs adversities. Donโt try to project an unrealistically impeccable self-imageโit will only create an unhealthy drive in children to be flawless as their parents.
Rather, the better way to instill lasting confidence is for โparents permit the child to observe their struggles, their difficulties, and their conflictsย because struggling is a primary coping response.โ
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5. The affair with academics
Finally, a major shaper of childrenโsโ self-esteem isย academic achievement.ย And although research tells us that the two concepts are connected, the link is rather complex.
That is, high self-esteem doesnโt necessarily lead to stellar performance.
A famousย studyย by the Professor of Psychology Roy Baumeister from Florida State University in the U.S., has uncovered that attempts to increase self-worth donโt lead to better grades and sometimes can even be counterproductive. In his words: โItโs not expected, for example, that a global sense of being worthy, competent and popular, will predict performance of a trigonometry quiz.โ
Related: 30 Ways In Which Narcissistic Parenting Affects A Child
Simply put, confidence is rather the consequence, not the cause of good grades.
Therefore, donโt blame your kidโs less-than-genius performance at school to their lack of self-value. Itโs simply not true.
~ ~ ~
In the end, as parents, we absolutely need to do everything we can to help our children become self-sufficient, resilient individuals, who know their sense of worth and wonโt give up in the face of challenges.
Itโs a big goal, for which there is no single best solution.
But if you let kids learn independence, guide them through their struggles and let them learn their own lessons, they may just as well grow up to become the next Bill Gates.
One thing is for sure, though.
โWithout hard work, nothing grows, but weeds,โ as the saying goes.
Whatโs your experience raising confident children? Let us know in comments.
Written by: Evelyn Marinoff
Originally appeared on: Evelyn Marinoff
Republished with permission.
For more advice on how to become more confident and live a more fulfilling life, join Evelynโs Facebook pageย here or visit her websiteย ย http://www.evelynmarinoff.com/.
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