Has it been a long time since you have been together, and now, you are struggling to keep your relationship alive and bring back that spark from before?
As a sex therapist, Iโm used to seeing couples whoโve lost touch. Couples who have forgotten why they fell in love or why they used to love having sex with other another. Being trained in sexology and psychotherapy, I know all about the different things that keep a relationship alive.
If youโre looking for ways to put the spark back into your marriage or relationshipโ-โthe following 9 things will help you get there.
1. Learn How To Fightย Properly
Conflicts. We all have them. Even in the best of relationships, our tempers get the best of us, causing us to lash out or make a not-so-nice remark.
I get itโ-โarguing about the laundry for the 58th time this week isnโt exactly thrilling (at least not in a positive way!).
But fighting is inevitable.
According to researchers John & Julie Gottman, there are solvable arguments and unsolvable onesโ-โand the unsolvable ones amount toย 69% of all of our conflicts.
What this means is we have to learn how to fight properly. Being able to deal with our own irritation and anger and knowing how to handle our partner is paramount to relationship success.
By learning how to accept our differences and let pettiness go, by learning how to negotiate and work together as a team, by finding ways of dealing with the unsolvable argumentsโ-โweโre far more likely to stay together and grow together.
Want to know how you can have arguments in a healthy way? Read Conflict Doesnโt Ruin a Relationship, a Lack of Connection Does
2. Reminisce Aboutย Thatย Memory
If weโre lucky, there are a few sexual moments weโve shared with our partners that really stand out. One of the things that keep a relationship alive is reminiscing about themโ-โtogether.
When your sexual desire is waning it usually needs a push in the right direction to appear. For many, especially those who identify as women, sexual desire is aย responsive feeling, meaning that it, much like our other feelings, needs to be triggered in order to come alive.
By talking about a sexual experience from the past youโre giving your mind and your body a chance to remember how enjoyable sex was.
3. Donโt Believe You Know Yourย Partner
When youโve been together for a long time itโs common to fall into the trap of thinking you know everything about the other person.
You know they love brie but hate camembert, that theyโre afraid of spiders but pretend theyโre not.
You also know they prefer having sex with the lights turned off and think sexting is stupid or embarrassing.
Orโ-โdo you?
A lot of times you might think you know exactly what your partnerโs thoughts and needs areโ-โbut, if you ask your partner, you might just find that you donโt. Not always.
Over the course of a relationship, most of us change our minds about stuff or discover something new. It doesnโt have to be big or life-changing, but it happens and it matters.
By giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and asking them instead of assuming, youโll be cultivating interest in one another and youโll ignite thatย flame.
4. Lean On Someoneย Else
Our partner can be our biggest supporter and our biggest comfort, but they shouldnโt be our only support and comfort.
We might not mean to do it, but in good relationships, we often end up turning our partner or spouse into our therapist.
Relying solely on your partner can quickly zap the romance out of your relationship or marriage.
If this sounds like you and youโre looking for things to keep a relationship alive, try seeking comfort inย a friend, co-worker or family memberย next time you need a shoulder to cry on. It might just be what you and your partner need to get back on track!
Interested to know how your friends can help your relationship? Read How Having Friends Outside Your Marriage Benefits the Marriage Itself
5. Donโt Believe Passion Decay Is Irreversible
Long relationships usually an equal waning passion. But according to research on the matter by Finkell & Carswell,ย how we think about this phenomenon affects what happens in our relationship.
The researchers mean that those who believe in inevitable and irreversible passion decay in long-term relationships are more likely to show less commitment in their current relationship and seek romance outside of it.
However, understanding that passion decay isnโt irreversible can lead to us staying in an otherwise good relationship and marriage.
In other wordsโ-โif youโre looking for things that keep a relationship aliveโ-โbelieving you can regain the feelings of passion you once shared is definitely one to work on.
6. Plan Aย Surprise
When weโve been together for a while our relationships can go a little stale. The daily grind can really wear it down. If this sounds like you, you might want to try planning a surprise for your loved one.
By planning a surprise for your partner youโre letting them know theyโre still a top priority. Youโre showing them you care and you love them.
Planning a surprise for your partner or spouse doesnโt have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as ordering takeout from their favorite restaurant, giving them a massage after a long, grueling day at the office, or initiating sex in the way you know they love.
Things that keep a relationship alive donโt have to be difficultโ-โthey just need to be done. Take turns surprising one another and see what it does for your relationship.
7. Go See A Sex Therapist When Things Areย Good
As most couples therapists will tell youโ-โa large portion of clients start therapy when itโs too late.
When things have escalated and are irreparable.
When their relationship has been on the rocks for years.
By going to therapy before things get really bad, youโll be in a much better position to learn the skills needed to enhance your relationship and to actually use the tools we giveย you.
If you really want to be proactive about it, seeing a coupleโs therapist who specializes in sex therapy is a great idea.
Sex is often difficult to talk about and when weโve been together for a long time, our sex drive tends to dwindle. By seeing a sex therapist together you can learn how to explore each otherโs sexuality and keep growing sexuallyโ-โtogether.
Want to know what experts think about sex in long term relationships? Read 104 Experts Reveal The TRUTH About sex In Marriage
8. Banย Orgasms
Sex can be a wonderful experience, be it with orgasms or without them. However, society often makes us feel like we need to have an orgasm in order for our sex lives to be โsuccessfulโ.
Not only is this not true, but itโs also pretty stressful and sort of misses the mark. Sex isnโt about the goalโ-โitโs about the journey.
By introducing a playful orgasm ban you can help keep the flame of desire going (or awaken it!). Enforcing this type of rule helps you get creative and our libido thrives on novelty.
9. Talk, Talk And Then Talk Someย More
Communication in the relationship is crucial. Despite most of us knowing this, amidst the long to-do lists and emails at work, we often forget to communicate.
Perhaps we buckle down and stop telling our partner whatโs going on.
We forget to ask them how theyโre feeling or what theyโre thinking.
We take our relationship and our partner for grantedโ-โwithout ever meaning to.
In order to sustain intimacy and cultivate passion, itโs important to keep the conversation going. As we already established in tip no. 3, continuing to show interest in your partner by not assuming you always know what theyโre thinking, is one of the things that keep a relationship alive.
By talking about your hopes, dreams, fears, and worries, youโll be increasing intimacy and sustaining it too.
There are lots of things that keep a relationship alive, and itโs important you believe you can get that passion backโ-โif you want to.
Learning how to deal with conflict, talking about positive sexual memories, cultivating interest in one another, leaning on others in times of need, believing you can get that passion back, surprising each other, seeing a sex therapist, banning orgasms during sex, and talking, are all excellent ways of doing it.
By using the tips outlined in this article, youโll be well on your way to a relationship back in swing!
Sex is an important part of any relationship. If you feel that the sex is waning in your relationship, then donโt worry, because there are a lot of things you can do to bring the spark back in your bedroom. Just have faith in each other, and love each other just the way you used to in the beginning, and the excitement will return in no time.
If you want to know more about how you can keep your relationship exciting, then you might like this video:
This article was originally published atย Therapy by Leigh.
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