9 Things You Can Do To Keep Your Relationship Alive And Exciting

Has it been a long time since you have been together, and now, you are struggling to keep your relationship alive and bring back that spark from before?

As a sex therapist, Iโ€™m used to seeing couples whoโ€™ve lost touch. Couples who have forgotten why they fell in love or why they used to love having sex with other another. Being trained in sexology and psychotherapy, I know all about the different things that keep a relationship alive.

If youโ€™re looking for ways to put the spark back into your marriage or relationshipโ€Š-โ€Šthe following 9 things will help you get there.

1. Learn How To Fightย Properly

Conflicts. We all have them. Even in the best of relationships, our tempers get the best of us, causing us to lash out or make a not-so-nice remark.

I get itโ€Š-โ€Šarguing about the laundry for the 58th time this week isnโ€™t exactly thrilling (at least not in a positive way!).

But fighting is inevitable.

According to researchers John & Julie Gottman, there are solvable arguments and unsolvable onesโ€Š-โ€Šand the unsolvable ones amount toย 69% of all of our conflicts.

What this means is we have to learn how to fight properly. Being able to deal with our own irritation and anger and knowing how to handle our partner is paramount to relationship success.

By learning how to accept our differences and let pettiness go, by learning how to negotiate and work together as a team, by finding ways of dealing with the unsolvable argumentsโ€Š-โ€Šweโ€™re far more likely to stay together and grow together.

Want to know how you can have arguments in a healthy way? Read Conflict Doesnโ€™t Ruin a Relationship, a Lack of Connection Does

2. Reminisce Aboutย Thatย Memory

If weโ€™re lucky, there are a few sexual moments weโ€™ve shared with our partners that really stand out. One of the things that keep a relationship alive is reminiscing about themโ€Š-โ€Štogether.

When your sexual desire is waning it usually needs a push in the right direction to appear. For many, especially those who identify as women, sexual desire is aย responsive feeling, meaning that it, much like our other feelings, needs to be triggered in order to come alive.

By talking about a sexual experience from the past youโ€™re giving your mind and your body a chance to remember how enjoyable sex was.

3. Donโ€™t Believe You Know Yourย Partner

When youโ€™ve been together for a long time itโ€™s common to fall into the trap of thinking you know everything about the other person.

You know they love brie but hate camembert, that theyโ€™re afraid of spiders but pretend theyโ€™re not.

You also know they prefer having sex with the lights turned off and think sexting is stupid or embarrassing.

Orโ€Š-โ€Šdo you?

A lot of times you might think you know exactly what your partnerโ€™s thoughts and needs areโ€Š-โ€Šbut, if you ask your partner, you might just find that you donโ€™t. Not always.

Over the course of a relationship, most of us change our minds about stuff or discover something new. It doesnโ€™t have to be big or life-changing, but it happens and it matters.

By giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and asking them instead of assuming, youโ€™ll be cultivating interest in one another and youโ€™ll ignite thatย flame.

4. Lean On Someoneย Else

Our partner can be our biggest supporter and our biggest comfort, but they shouldnโ€™t be our only support and comfort.

We might not mean to do it, but in good relationships, we often end up turning our partner or spouse into our therapist.

Relying solely on your partner can quickly zap the romance out of your relationship or marriage.

If this sounds like you and youโ€™re looking for things to keep a relationship alive, try seeking comfort inย a friend, co-worker or family memberย next time you need a shoulder to cry on. It might just be what you and your partner need to get back on track!

Interested to know how your friends can help your relationship? Read How Having Friends Outside Your Marriage Benefits the Marriage Itself

5. Donโ€™t Believe Passion Decay Is Irreversible

Long relationships usually an equal waning passion. But according to research on the matter by Finkell & Carswell,ย how we think about this phenomenon affects what happens in our relationship.

The researchers mean that those who believe in inevitable and irreversible passion decay in long-term relationships are more likely to show less commitment in their current relationship and seek romance outside of it.

However, understanding that passion decay isnโ€™t irreversible can lead to us staying in an otherwise good relationship and marriage.

In other wordsโ€Š-โ€Šif youโ€™re looking for things that keep a relationship aliveโ€Š-โ€Šbelieving you can regain the feelings of passion you once shared is definitely one to work on.

6. Plan Aย Surprise

When weโ€™ve been together for a while our relationships can go a little stale. The daily grind can really wear it down. If this sounds like you, you might want to try planning a surprise for your loved one.

By planning a surprise for your partner youโ€™re letting them know theyโ€™re still a top priority. Youโ€™re showing them you care and you love them.

Planning a surprise for your partner or spouse doesnโ€™t have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as ordering takeout from their favorite restaurant, giving them a massage after a long, grueling day at the office, or initiating sex in the way you know they love.

Things that keep a relationship alive donโ€™t have to be difficultโ€Š-โ€Šthey just need to be done. Take turns surprising one another and see what it does for your relationship.

7. Go See A Sex Therapist When Things Areย Good

As most couples therapists will tell youโ€Š-โ€Ša large portion of clients start therapy when itโ€™s too late.

When things have escalated and are irreparable.

When their relationship has been on the rocks for years.

By going to therapy before things get really bad, youโ€™ll be in a much better position to learn the skills needed to enhance your relationship and to actually use the tools we giveย you.

If you really want to be proactive about it, seeing a coupleโ€™s therapist who specializes in sex therapy is a great idea.

Sex is often difficult to talk about and when weโ€™ve been together for a long time, our sex drive tends to dwindle. By seeing a sex therapist together you can learn how to explore each otherโ€™s sexuality and keep growing sexuallyโ€Š-โ€Štogether.

Want to know what experts think about sex in long term relationships? Read 104 Experts Reveal The TRUTH About sex In Marriage

8. Banย Orgasms

Sex can be a wonderful experience, be it with orgasms or without them. However, society often makes us feel like we need to have an orgasm in order for our sex lives to be โ€œsuccessfulโ€.

Not only is this not true, but itโ€™s also pretty stressful and sort of misses the mark. Sex isnโ€™t about the goalโ€Š-โ€Šitโ€™s about the journey.

By introducing a playful orgasm ban you can help keep the flame of desire going (or awaken it!). Enforcing this type of rule helps you get creative and our libido thrives on novelty.

9. Talk, Talk And Then Talk Someย More

Communication in the relationship is crucial. Despite most of us knowing this, amidst the long to-do lists and emails at work, we often forget to communicate.

Perhaps we buckle down and stop telling our partner whatโ€™s going on.

We forget to ask them how theyโ€™re feeling or what theyโ€™re thinking.

We take our relationship and our partner for grantedโ€Š-โ€Šwithout ever meaning to.

In order to sustain intimacy and cultivate passion, itโ€™s important to keep the conversation going. As we already established in tip no. 3, continuing to show interest in your partner by not assuming you always know what theyโ€™re thinking, is one of the things that keep a relationship alive.

By talking about your hopes, dreams, fears, and worries, youโ€™ll be increasing intimacy and sustaining it too.

There are lots of things that keep a relationship alive, and itโ€™s important you believe you can get that passion backโ€Š-โ€Šif you want to.

Learning how to deal with conflict, talking about positive sexual memories, cultivating interest in one another, leaning on others in times of need, believing you can get that passion back, surprising each other, seeing a sex therapist, banning orgasms during sex, and talking, are all excellent ways of doing it.

By using the tips outlined in this article, youโ€™ll be well on your way to a relationship back in swing!


Sex is an important part of any relationship. If you feel that the sex is waning in your relationship, then donโ€™t worry, because there are a lot of things you can do to bring the spark back in your bedroom. Just have faith in each other, and love each other just the way you used to in the beginning, and the excitement will return in no time.

If you want to know more about how you can keep your relationship exciting, then you might like this video:

This article was originally published atย Therapy by Leigh.

9 Things You Can Do To Keep Your Relationship Alive And Exciting

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