6 Strategies to Help You Teach Your Child About Consent

 / 

Recent national events have put such concepts as consent and personal safety to the forefront of many parentsโ€™ minds. It can be difficult to know how to address concerns of a sexual nature with children in a way that is age-appropriate, honest, and non-threatening. How can you teach your child about consent?

Parents may find themselves worrying how to help their children develop into respectful individuals that can protect the personal boundaries of themselves as well as others. They may wonder how to establish the kind of relationship that will allow their children to share questions or worries that might arise.

These are timely and challenging concerns that do not have a quick fix or one-time solution. Rather, they require continual intentional efforts to help children learn and integrate the crucial messages that their body belongs to them, that their voice matters, and that the adults in their lives are there to protect them.

The following list includes several suggestions that you might find helpful in navigating this difficult parenting task. Let us know if you find these strategies to teach your child about consent helpful.

1. Teach young children the anatomically correct names of their private parts.ย 

Teaching young children to use words like penis or vagina to describe their private parts shows them, from a very young age, that these parts are not shameful or bad and can be labeled in the same way we label our nose or arms or fingers.

Language empowers, and using the correct terminology from the beginning provides children the framework to communicate related questions or problems to adults. Tragically, there have been cases of sexual abuse in which children have attempted to divulge what was being done to them, but because they used unfamiliar or โ€œplayfulโ€ terminologies to describe the abusive behavior, the truth took much longer to be recognized.

Read: 25 Effective Parenting Rules For Mothers With Sons

2. Model for them that no means no, long before sex is ever involved.ย 

How can we expect our teenage and young adult children to seek and receive consent if it is something that we have never practiced with them before? Young children often express discomfort around certain peer and adult behaviors and we can use these moments as didactic opportunities for respecting boundaries.

This might look like telling Aunt Brenda at Thanksgiving that your sonย doesnโ€™tย have to kiss her hello. It might mean reminding your spouse in a tickling match with your daughter that her saying โ€œStopโ€ (however playful it might be) does not mean โ€œkeep going.โ€ It might look likeย askingย your child if you can have a hug goodnight and then respecting his or her answer.

At the same time, these boundaries can be taught and reinforced in your childโ€™s peer relationships. One example might be pulling your son aside and pointing out how his constant pestering of a new friend at the playground is causing him or her distress. Or it might mean teaching your daughter to recognize when her torrent of hugs and kisses begins to upset her little brother and helping her to stop herself.

Read: Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens

3. Talk about โ€œgood touchโ€ and โ€œbad touch.โ€ย 

There are many resources online of how to talk to your children about appropriate and inappropriate touch, and many tend to include the โ€œswim suitโ€ model of talking about touch: namely, that our private parts are those parts that are covered by a bathing suit and are different for boys and girls.

Talk about different kinds of touch (ie. poking, rubbing, tickling, scratching, etc.) and take turns practising on your/their arms as you do so. Talk about different kinds of goodโ€“or non-threateningโ€“touch (ie. giving a side hug, doing a high-five, tagging someone โ€œitโ€).

Talk to your kids about the kinds of touch that might make them uncomfortableโ€“no matter whether it is in the swimsuit area or not. Some parents and children might find this process is facilitated with the aid of dolls or puppets. You might refer to a puppet and say, โ€œEmma feels uncomfortable when someone hugs her very tight.

What should she do?โ€ or, โ€œJasonโ€™s friend asked him to see his private parts and he isnโ€™t sure what to do. What could we tell him?โ€ It is important to explain the reason behind good and bad touch so that kids donโ€™t feel like it is yet another arbitrary rule given by their parents. This might sound like,

โ€œThe reason why we donโ€™t show our private parts to others or let others touch them is because they are special and belong just to us. When we touch someone elseโ€™s private parts or they touch ours, it can make us/them feel scared, sad, embarrassed, or bad. I donโ€™t want you or anyone else to feel that way!โ€

Read: 4 Types Of Parenting Styles In Psychology: What Kind Of A Parent Are You?

4. Teach your children that they can say โ€œNo.โ€ย 

Although โ€œnoโ€ is hardly our favorite word to hear as parents, it is crucial that children know and understand that they can say โ€œnoโ€ to important things and have that be respected. Teach children explicitly that if someone does something that makes them uncomfortable, that they have the right (and your full support) in telling that person โ€œno.โ€ You might practice possible age-appropriate responses (for a 3 year old it might be, โ€œNo! Stop! I donโ€™t like that!โ€.

For a 9 year old it might be, โ€œThat makes me uncomfortable and I want you to stop.โ€) Teach them empowering statements such as, โ€œWhenever you feel uncomfortable, you can say no.โ€ Specify that it doesnโ€™t matter if that person is a family member or an authority figure or friendโ€“if your child feels uncomfortable because of something they do, they do not have to continue engaging in that behavior.

Help them to understand that if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable or worried about a particular situation that you will back them up 100% of the time. I will always remember the words of one adult survivor of abuse who told me once, โ€œI donโ€™t understand why my mother never told me I could say noโ€ฆโ€

5. Practice responding calmly and curiously.ย 

Many children who experience inappropriate or uncomfortable events do not want to share them with their parents out of fear of making their parents angry. Set a precedent of reacting calmly and curiously to things that your children might share with you, no matter how upsetting you might find them in the moment.

Children tend to rememberย howย adults react to situations more than the specific words that they sayโ€“try to maintain both calm words and a calm demeanor when discussing concerns with your children. Avoid using โ€œwhyโ€ questions, and instead try for open-ended inquiries such as, โ€œSo what happened next?โ€ or โ€œHow did that make you feel?โ€ Prove to your kids, in as many moments as you can, that youย areย that safe, secure base to which they can turn.

Read: Permissive Parenting Style: Why Itโ€™s Bad For You andย Your Child?

6. Integrate teaching moments into day to day events.ย 

Like most important conversations, it is not a one-time thing to teach your child about consent. Rather, it should be an ongoing conversation that evolves with the childโ€™s growing knowledge and maturity. Find ways to incorporate conversations about safety into your daily routine (ie. ask how your child might respond in a hypothetical situation, share how you might react, start conversations about things that you see together on TV or in advertising).

Use play to help reiterate important points (ie. have your child teach a doll about what he/she knows, play โ€œStop/Goโ€ games to practice identifying and interrupting behaviours, monitor your childโ€™s play with peers/siblings to find moments in which consent/boundaries can be practiced.) Repeat, repeat, repeat the message that your children can come to you with their concerns, that they do not ever have to allow someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable, and that you will believe and support them no matter what.

Are you ready to teach your child about consent?

Please share this article with anyone who you may think will find it valuable and helpful.


Written by: Allison Brown
Republished with permission.
Originally appeared on: Family Therapy LLC
Strategies Teach Child About Consent pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

When Grandparentsโ€™ Love Goes Sour: 8 Signs Of Toxic Grandparents And How To Survive Them

Signs Of Toxic Grandparents

Have you ever noticed certain behaviors that make you wonder if your grandparentsโ€™ love might be a littleโ€ฆ off? Spotting the signs of toxic grandparents can be tough, especially when society paints them as the ultimate source of unconditional love and support.

But sometimes, grandparents might cross boundaries, show favoritism, or create a stressful environment that doesnโ€™t quite feel right. If youโ€™ve ever felt uneasy about their behavior, youโ€™re not alone.

In this article, weโ€™ll dive into the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of toxic grandparents and give you some strategies regarding how to deal with toxic grandparents, without causing family drama.

First, let us try to understand what are toxic grandparents.

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or itโ€™s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, weโ€™re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults โ€“ those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

The Hidden Toll of Childhood Emotional Incest: Identifying Signs and Effects

Emotional incest confuses parent-child dynamics, creating emotional dependency. Letโ€™s look at the signs and effects of this incomprehensible relationship to gain a better understanding.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Emotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial developme

Up Next

How To Create A Toddler-Friendly Home: 10 Helpful Tips For New Parents!

Bringing a toddler to your house can be both exciting and challenging. As soon as they begin taking notice of their surroundings, the environment in which they dwell must be secure, comfortable, and conducive to growth.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

It is important to learn how to create a toddler-friendly home because this will provide them with holistic development o

Up Next

How to Become Pregnant with PCOS: 6 Proven Strategies For A Promising Start

Generally, women who have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) get problems in conceiving a child and starting a family. If you suffer from this condition of PCOS then we recommend you to take up this manual on how to become pregnant with PCOS.ย 

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

According to American Familiesโ€™

Up Next

Why Do I Hate My Father? 8 Effective Ways to Mend Your Relationship

โ€œWhy do I hate my father?โ€ โ€“ if you have ever asked yourself this question, then trust me, you are not alone. Not having a good relationship with your father is one of the most painful things to experience in life.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Father-child relationships can be really complicated in many cases, and itโ€™s normal to feel a mix of emotions. Whethe

Up Next

5 Steps To Raise An Emotionally Intelligent Child

Raising an emotionally intelligent child can seem challenging, but honestly, it doesnโ€™t have to be. This article is going to talk about the importance of nurturing emotional intelligence in children, and how it can help them thrive emotionally, as well as socially.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});