Are you unknowingly driving your husband to cheat on you, even if it sounds farfetched? Sometimes, you need to look back on your own mannerisms and behaviors, that might end up driving your husband to cheat on you.
If you’re worried about your husband cheating on you, whether it’s “micro-cheating” or a full-blown affair, then you may not realize that there are behaviors you may be doing that are driving him away — even if he isn’t cheating on you.
When you’re so busy looking for signs of cheating on your spouse and asking difficult questions like, “Is he cheating on me?” you’re missing out on behavior you could be doing that is distancing and hurting your relationship even worse.
As a former high-end escort, I met many cheating husbands and found myself in unique situations with these men. And surprisingly, some of the more common reasons that men cheated actually began long before they started cheating, to begin with.
If you’re worried that you’re married to a cheater, you may be missing some huge red flags in your own behavior that are actually leaving your relationship open to an affair because of your fear.
Here are 3 things women do when they’re afraid their husband is cheating that actually push him away from them:
1. You expect more from him when it comes to communicating (with less room for messing up).
You may often feel jealous or out of control because your man doesn’t communicate with you the way you think he should.
Men can seem dismissive, distracted, and unresponsive, and women may take that to mean you’re being dismissed, you’re unimportant, and you aren’t being heard. None of those feelings build trust and intimacy.
It’s not hard to go from that point to “He must be hiding something from me,” which makes you insecure in your relationship and concerned that he’s cheating. This in turn may lead you to lashing out or accusing him of something when you’re angry or upset.
Related: The 9 Most Overlooked Threats To A Marriage
Most men have tunnel vision when on the computer, watching television, or reading and they are not multitaskers. It’s not because they’re lazy or self-centered; it’s the way their brains are “wired.” This might lead to them seeming dismissive when you talk.
Make sure when you approach him with an issue, you have his undivided attention. A quick, “Hey honey, can I talk to you for a sec?” is typically all it takes. When you call him, ask if it’s a good time to talk. Don’t assume that he can get into a whole conversation just because he answered. If he’s busy — especially at work — he may have to interrupt you, which never feels good to either of you … even when it’s for a legitimate reason.
Many men only answer because they see that it’s you and think the call might be urgent. Others may only pick up because they’re afraid of the flak they’ll get if they don’t.
Give him the space to let you know if he can talk at that moment.
If you think about it, these are things you’d do with any of your friends, clients, coworkers, your boss, or anyone you were showing consideration to. A simple check of, “Can you talk for a minute?” might save you both a lot of heartache down the line and not leave you open to worries that he’s cheating on you.
2. You take out your insecurities and jealousy on him.
Jealousy can also cause double standards in communications. Men shared with me that women were open to talking about everything under the sun, but when it came to sexual needs, they often felt shamed and shut down when they tried to bring up their desires.
For instance, if your man asks you to dress up for him, perhaps put your hair up and dress like a high-powered executive, or even that you wear some sexy yoga gear while you walk around the house, you may be concerned that he’s dressing you as someone that he “actually” wants to sleep with or is having an affair/fantasies of cheating with, but this often isn’t the case.
If he’s comfortable enough to ask you to do special sexy things with him, then you’re doing something right! By going along with the fantasy (only if you’re OK with what he wants) you have his attention, trust, and sexual energy.
Jealousy will only ruin this bond.
3. You’re not actually listening when he speaks to you.
Women like to think that they’re great communicators in relationships, but good communication starts with good listening. Many men I met with as an escort didn’t feel that the women in their lives were good listeners at all.
As a woman, you may tend to personalize (or makeup stories about) what men share instead of just listening. You may think if he wants you to participate in a certain activity, then it must mean you aren’t good enough as you are.
Related: How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Infidelity
If you can take that “it’s all about me” mindset and put it aside, you can learn a lot about your man in every way — not just sexually.
One way to open the lines to deeper communication right away is to admit when you feel jealous without blaming him for how you feel.
Try something like, “When you talk about me dressing up like a businesswoman, I couldn’t help but think you wanted me to dress like someone you’re attracted to at work. As silly as it might sound to you, I felt so jealous!”
Don’t worry about being right or wrong or look for comfort from him. Instead, state your feelings without accusation or looking for him to fix or justify what he said.
You can then start to focus on enjoying that he shared something he finds arousing with you. Whether you agree to his fantasy or not, he’ll feel connected to you because you allowed him to be open without judging him.
Don’t let miscommunications and worries about cheating drive a wedge between the two of you. Although super simple, these potent methods can help you find your peace, keep your power, and bring your man that much closer.
Written by Mary Eriksen Originally appeared in Yourtango
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