The pull and push nature of the emotionally unavailable people is frustrating, not to mention hurtful. This is when you should take out some time to check out if the other person in your relationship exhibits any of the classic signs of an emotionally unavailable partner.
In my books,ย The Empathโs Survival Guideย andย The Power of Surrender,ย I discuss how to identify unavailable people. A soul mate must be willing and available to have a relationship with you. If he orย she is unavailable this is not your soul mate at the present time.
A confusing part of being attracted to unavailable, commitment-phobic people is that the emotional or sexual chemistry can feel so strong. You accept behavior that youโd never tolerate in friends. Why? The electricity can feel so incredible and rare, you mistake intensity for intimacy.
You make compromises you wouldnโt typically consider in order to give the relationship a chance. Still, connection or not, you must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available for intimacy.
Hear this: Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how mind-blowing, is your soul mate. You can fall for someone who is totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can be.
For a relationship to work, a soul connection must go both ways. Even if the intuitive bond you feel is authentic, it can remain unrealized. Just because someone mightโve been your soul mate in previous eras, it doesnโt mean he or she is right for you today. Perhaps the person canโt or wonโt reciprocate or is simply oblivious, a frustrating irony you must accept.
Read: 4 Signs Youโve Made A True Soul Connection With Your Partner
Donโt put your life on hold for unrequited longing. Love that is destined can never be stopped. Meanwhile, keep your options open. How do you avoid getting entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships where you see someone in terms of how you wish them to be, not who they are?
Here are some classic signs of an emotionally unavailable partner
To start, here are some red flags to watch for. Even one sign warns you to be careful. The more that are present, the more danger exists. 12 Signs Youโre Involved with Emotionally Unavailable People (EUP)
- They are married or in a relationship with someone else
- They canโt commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships
- They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the break
- They are emotionally distant, shut down, or canโt deal with conflict
- Theyโre mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually
- They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers
- They prefer long-distance relationships, emails, texting, or donโt introduce you to their friends and family
- They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods
- They are seductive with you but make empty promisesโtheir behavior and words donโt match
- They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or donโt give a straight answerโyouโre always trying to โde-codeโ what they really mean
- Theyโre narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs
- They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw
At first, some of these signs may be more obvious than others. Itโs tricky: we tend to show our best selves in the honeymoon stage of a romance. It can take time for a personโs unavailability to emerge. One patient lamented, โI need a crystal ball. The first few months of a courtship, a man is so attentive, caring, passionate.โ
Partially, sheโs right, but itโs also true that we tend to see what we want to see. Thatโs why itโs eye-opening to look at a partnerโs relationship history. Who he or she was previously with reveals volumes about their capacity for intimacy now.
Beware of rationalizing, โIโm different. This person would never be that way with me.โ
I donโt care how mightily someone blames the blood-curdling horrors of an ex for a relationshipโs demise, this person played a role too. Being able to admit that or trying to understand the reasons for making such a terrible choice is a positive sign. Playing the victim is not.
Over the years, Iโve worked with many perplexed, lonely patients to uncover why they keep holding a torch for unavailable, commitment-phobic partners and how to surrender this sabotaging pattern. Most of us arenโt purposely drawn to these kinds of peopleโtheir mixed messages combined with our particular susceptibilities, conscious or unconscious, can lure us in.
Read: 10 Signs Of Emotional Numbness and Ways To Recover
Also, it helps to understand that unavailable people rarely choose to be this way. Itโs an unconscious defense against trauma or some emotional wounding of the past. Research has shown that many are afraid of being clung to or smothered which stems from having had a controlling, engulfing, or abusive parent.
Commitment-phobic men, in particular, may just prefer sex without love. They are afraid of being controlled by feminine energy, though they donโt know it or couldnโt admit it. Rather, they see themselves as macho dudes who think women always need more than they can give.
Thus, they prefer to play in shallow water, not go deep. If being in a relationship with an unavailable person feels like love to you, I urge you to look closer. Commitment phobic women also fear intimacy and want to keep a distance.
To find true love, ideally, you want to avoid getting involved with anyone who canโt reciprocate your affections. If you are in a toxic, abusive, or non-reciprocal relationship, withdraw even when your passion is strong and says โstay.โ
It may feel excruciating to let go when you donโt want to or if youโre still hoping against hope that the person will change, but, as my Daoist teacher once told me, โThe heart knows when itโs enough.โ
Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloffโs bookย โThe Empathโs Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive Peopleโย (Sounds True, 2017)
Written By: Dr. Judith Orloff Originally Appeared On: Dr. Judith Orloff
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