3 Stages Of Rebuilding Trust In Your Relationship After An Affair

Going back to the way your relationship was, and rebuilding trust after an affair is always a mighty difficult thing to do, isnโ€™t it?

The discovery of an affair is gut-wrenching. Often the pain and betrayal are too much to overcome and the relationship will never fully recover. However, relationship researchers like John Gottman and Esther Perel have found that an affair doesnโ€™t always need to be the nail in the coffin.

In fact, many of my couples have used the affair experience as a catalyst for improving and strengthening their relationship.

In The Gottman Method couples learn that in order to redevelop their relationship they must move through three stages: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment.

These three stages help the couple to rebuild trust, increase intimacy, and move forward with shared life goals.

1. Atonement

The atonement phase makes or breaks whether the relationship can successfully continue after the affair. If the affair partner is not willing to atone then the relationship must end or there will be continued resentment.

I often use the metaphor of a bank account to describe this stage to couples. An affair is akin to taking your account into overdraft. Not only do you need to pay back the amount you withdrew, but you will also have a penalty. The partner that cheated will need to make deposits through trust-building behaviors (like granting access to e-mail or offering to check in during the workday), expressing empathy for their partnerโ€™s pain, and describing how they will prevent future betrayal from occurring.

The betrayed partner will need to learn to clearly express what they need and how they expect to receive it. I also remind this partner that they cannot continually impose penalties. There is a reason banks are not allowed to do that anymore.

During this phase, there is also individual work that needs to be done. The betrayed partner will often experience obsessive thoughts, feelings of disgust, and family and societal pressure to leave the relationship. It is crucial that this person receive honest answers to any appropriate questions. To manage the societal pressure, I recommend that they find another person with a similar experience to talk to or that they research the statistics of how common this predicament is. Normalizing the situation and reminding them that leaving and staying are both viable responses can be a healing experience.

A very taboo aspect of moving forward in an affair is that the โ€œcheaterโ€ needs time to grieve the loss of their affair partner. It is an uncomfortable reality that the affair partner was providing something โ€” sex, emotional comfort or excitement โ€” and that loss needs to be recognized.

Looking to know more about both of you can move on after an affair? Read Surviving Infidelity Together: 5 Ways Couples Can Move On From The Pain

2. Attunement

Once the couple has worked on trust-building behaviors, itโ€™s time to begin the โ€œattunement phaseโ€. At the beginning of this phase, I ask my couples โ€œAre you both ready to face your responsibilities in the cause of this affair?โ€ This is a difficult question for many people.

We often want to believe that the affair is one-sided and is completely the fault of the philanderer. However, this is rarely the case. It always takes two to tango. The affair is only one secret thatโ€™s been kept in the relationship and there are often many other wants, needs, and feelings that have not been discussed by either partner.

Want to know more about how affairs are not always one-sided? Read 3 Ways Youโ€™re Driving Your Husband Towards Infidelity (According To A Former Escort)

Attunement is the stage in which couples get to know each other again. Theyโ€™re encouraged to be open and honest, even when it may hurt. In Gottman Method Couples therapy we call this building โ€œLove Mapsโ€.

When you build a love map you open yourself up to sharing your inner world: fears, aspirations, desires, and memories. You can start to reattune by asking things like โ€œin what ways has our relationship let you down in the past?โ€, โ€œwhat are your hopes for our future?โ€ , โ€œwhat is your biggest hope, fear, need right now?โ€. This is also where you reattune sexually. Are there sexual desires that you have not disclosed? Talk about them and truly listen. The video โ€œIt is Not About The Nailโ€ is a great description of what listening does and does not look like.

3. Attachment

This phase is marked by a solid commitment by both partners to stay in the marriage. They feel safe and confidently attached to each other and can begin to reassess life goals and meaning. Couples in this phase have weathered the storm.

Esther Perel notes โ€œCouples who can successfully recover from infidelity often display a significant shift in language: From โ€œyouโ€ and โ€œmeโ€ to โ€œour,โ€ from โ€œwhen you did this to meโ€ to โ€œthis was an event in our life.โ€ They talk about โ€œWhen we had our crisis,โ€ recounting a shared experience. Now theyโ€™re joint scriptwriters, sharing credit for the grand production of their life togetherโ€.

To solidify the โ€œourโ€ in the relationship couples reassess their rituals and life goals. How are they saying goodbye in the morning before work? How do they greet each other when they get home? Is there any consistency in holidays and weekends? When is their next vacation? How will they raise the children or plan for retirement? What legacy do they want their relationship to leave after theyโ€™ve died?

Iโ€™ve found that my couples know they are in this stage when they begin having fun on dates, increase their sexual intimacy, and talk with more openness and security.

Happily Ever After

Couples that move through these three stages find that the affair becomes an important part of their story. Itโ€™s the point in their relationship where they โ€œwoke upโ€ and realized that something needed to change. They use it as an important reminder to maintain openness and to respond to each otherโ€™s needs.


Written By Elizabeth Earnshaw

Originally Appeared In Huffpost

Infidelity is always a tough and painful thing to deal with, and even more difficult is moving on from it. But infidelity can sometimes make your relationship stronger than before. So if both you and your partner are willing to work on your relationship, and are sure that you donโ€™t want to give up on it, then working as a team to make everything better is the way to go.

Rebuilding Trust

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

How to Spot Revenge Cheating: 7 Signs You Shouldnโ€™t Ignore

How to Spot Revenge Cheating Signs You Shouldnt Ignore

Revenge cheating can be one of the trickiest and most emotionally complex situations in a relationship. It happens when someone cheats as a way of โ€œgetting backโ€ at their partner for something they didโ€”maybe infidelity, emotional neglect, or a feeling of being wronged.

Itโ€™s not always about wanting to start a new relationship; often, itโ€™s more about feeling hurt and wanting to balance the scales.

If you think your partner might be engaging in revenge cheating, youโ€™ll want to keep an eye out for a few signs. Letโ€™s explore what revenge cheating looks like and how to spot it before itโ€™s too late.

Related:

Up Next

Why Youโ€™re Having Dreams About Your Spouse Cheating: 8 Surprising Meanings

Why Youre Having Dreams About Your Spouse Cheating

Having dreams about your spouse cheating on you can be emotionally distressing and nothing short of a nightmare; it can leave you feeling anxious, sad and confused. If you’ve ever woken up in a panic dreaming that your partner is cheating on you, you’re not alone.

Dreams about your spouse cheating on you are more common than you might think, and they often point to deeper and more complicated issues.

Today we are going to talk about the some of the most surprising meanings behind these unsettling dreams, and try to find out what they might be trying to tell you about your waking life.

Related:

Up Next

How To Forgive A Cheater And Move Forward: A Relationship Guide

Trying to forgive a cheater can be one of the toughest challenges in a relationship, but itโ€™s not impossible. Hereโ€™s a guide to help you heal your heart and move forward with confidence, grace and peace.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Did you know that around forty percent of unmarried relationships and twenty-five percent of marriages have at leas

Up Next

Is Flirting Considered Cheating? Check If You Have Crossed The Lines

When it comes to relationships, the boundaries of acceptable behavior can often be a gray area, especially in interactions with others. One particularly contentious topic is flirting. But is flirting considered cheating in a relationship? The answer is subjective.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

For some, playful banter and coy smiles are harmless fun, a way to socializ

Up Next

Beware Of โ€˜Cushioningโ€™! This Sneaky Dating Trend Could Be Sabotaging Your Relationship

Relationships in todayโ€™s society can often be like walking through a minefield of colloquialisms and behaviors. One such term is the โ€œcushioning datingโ€, it may sound harmless, but the implications it carries are anything but cozy.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Cushioning involves entertaining potential romantic partners outside of oneโ€

Up Next

10 Unexpected Signs Of Cheating: How To Tell If Your Spouse Is Having An Affair

If you are googling โ€œsurprising and unexpected signs of cheatingโ€ at 2 in the morning, then youโ€™ve come to the right place. Well, we all have been there. Suspicion and doubt can sneak up like an uninvited guest when it comes to your spouse; something tells you that something is wrong, but you just canโ€™t put your finger on it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

The Cheatersโ€™ Playbook: 3 Types Of Men Who Have Affairs

Have you ever wondered why do some men have affairs? It isnโ€™t always because theyโ€™re just looking for excitement or are bored. Thereโ€™s usually more to it. There are actually 3 types of men who have affairs, and we are going to do a deep dive into that today.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

In a perfect world, love would keep everyone on course, but the truth is we