4 Ways Dating Someone With ADHD Can Prove To Be A Challenge

 / 

, ,

Dating someone with ADHD can sometimes be a huge challenge. However, if you know how ADHD can mess with your relationship and what you can do to change that, it can prove to be a game-changer.

Key Points

  • ADHD can generate difficult relational patterns between romantic partners.
  • The ADHD partner can feel burdened or inadequate, while the non-ADHD partner may feel ignored or neglected.
  • To restore harmony, learn to recognize the ways the disorder interacts with your personalities and your connection to each other.

The effects of attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder on children and adults are pretty well-known: distractibility, impulsivity, lack of attention to important details, disorganization, forgetfulness, and more.

Itโ€™s clear that these qualities can make it difficult to thrive in an academic context or to do your job as well as you can.

But the challenge of living with ADHD can extend beyond school and the workplace to the social and relational world as well. Specifically, ADHD can deeply affect oneโ€™s participation in a romantic relationship, in ways that can often be overlooked or misinterpreted.

Related: How To Communicate With ADHD Partner: Dealing With ADHD In Your Relationship And Make It Stronger

How It Feels

Dating someone with ADHD can be emotionally difficult. After all, relationships thrive when both partners feel valued and appreciated, but a partner with ADHD is somewhat more likely to leave you feeling neglected.

When your partner forgets a significant date (like an anniversary or a birthday), for example, or gets distracted when youโ€™ve made time to focus on each other, you might start to see them as self-absorbedโ€”too focused on things that donโ€™t matter, rather than on you.

The truth is, though, that itโ€™s not how much they care. Itโ€™s the difficulty your partner has in regulating attention and reserving their moments of deep focus for whatโ€™s essential.

The same feeling may crop up when your partnerโ€™s time management skills turn out to be less than perfect, or they donโ€™t seem capable of getting important tasks done on time.

โ€œWhy didnโ€™t they listen when I asked them to get this done?โ€, you may find yourself wondering. โ€œWhy canโ€™t they just pay attention to the clock?โ€

Typical household tasks may also not get done on time, or be left only halfway completed. This could make it seem like your partner has only put forth half an effort to do the job, when in reality, they may have inadvertently moved on from the task without noticing that it hasnโ€™t been completed.

Relational problems caused by ADHD also affect the people who have the disorder. Being an adult with improperly managed ADHD often means constantly struggling to stay on top of what seems like a slippery avalanche of times, dates, and responsibilities.

Under these circumstances itโ€™s easy to have trouble remaining attentive to your partnerโ€™s needsโ€”or even, sometimes, to hold a simple conversation without getting diverted into a subject that distracts you or suddenly dominates your interest.

Dating someone with ADHD and trying to understand how their brain works.

Chronic forgetfulness can make it very hard to be considerate, even if your intentions are good.

If youโ€™re a person with ADHD, you may also have trouble reining in your emotions. Many are seen as having a โ€œshort fuse,โ€ as they can be impulsive or easily frustrated. They may regret their quickness to anger, which can fade as quickly as it sparks to life.

Finding ways to stay on top of their own disorganization may feel like a constant burden, especially when othersโ€”such as oneโ€™s partnerโ€”keep drawing attention to what seem like your failures. This may leave you feeling alienated, isolated, or poorly understood, even in a close one-to-one relationship.

This makes sense; itโ€™s hard to feel well-understood if your partner assumes that your disorganized behavior is due to a lack of motivation.

Many adults with ADHD feel as though their partners see them as lazy as if they could make a deep change to the way their brains work if they only wanted it badly enough.

This often leaves the ADHD partner feeling ashamed, with their significant otherโ€™s standards set too high for them to measure up.

Related: The Shame Of Labels: My Diagnosis Of Adult ADHD

Patterns of Relating

Relational dynamics between an ADHD partner and one without ADHD frequently take one of two forms: neglect and guilt or nagging and resentment.

In the first relational pattern, the ADHD partner lavishes attention on the other during the getting-to-know-you phase of dating.

As usual, something that powerfully attracts the attention of an ADHD adult will nearly dominate their lives, as though thereโ€™s not much else worth doing. This means the other partner can be swept off their feet, believing that the ADHD partner will always be deeply attentive and thoughtful.

But after a commitment has been made, the ADHD partner may begin to pursue other interests with some of the same hyper-focus they once brought to the courtship.

The non-ADHD partner can be left feeling neglected, and the change in attention can be interpreted as a lack of caring (rather than as ADHD-based distractibility).

When this generates a conflict, the ADHD partner may be left with the lionโ€™s share of the blame, as well as the guilt that comes with it. In effect, they may feel as though theyโ€™ve let their partner down just by being themselves.

Understanding how ADHD brains work

Alternately, a pattern of nagging and resentment may emerge in a formerly fair-minded, good-tempered romantic partnership. Quite often, a non-ADHD partner will end up taking on more than their fair share of household responsibilities (such as parenting, meal planning, or overall decision-making).

This can lead to the need for repeated reminders to the ADHD partner, who may struggle to keep up. In turn, the ADHD partner may withdraw into resentment or frustration with what feels like a constant barrage of criticism or nagging.

Bitterness may build up as time goes by, and they may come to feel as though their partnerโ€™s expectations will always be out of reach.

In a similar fashion, the partners may enter into a pattern of serious, reciprocal blame when each one assumes that the relationshipโ€™s problems are caused by the other.

Related: The Relationship Between ADHD and ASD

To one, it feels as though the pair would be able to get along much better if the other could be less angry; to the other, the problems are easily attributable to their partnerโ€™s apparent ditziness or lack of reliability.

(Iโ€™ve heard ADHD adults referred to as โ€œspace cadetsโ€ or โ€œabsent-minded professorsโ€ by their loved ones.) In this scenario, neither partner can gain enough perspective to recognize that the problem truly derives from the interaction between them.

Lastly, possibly the most pernicious result of a conflictual ADHD/non-ADHD relationship is the unwonted parent-child dynamic.

The non-ADHD partner absorbs more and more responsibility for the coupleโ€™s needsโ€”well above their personal comfort levelโ€”to the point of assuming that they must take charge at all times.

This can create a feeling of becoming a parent to their relationship partner; consequently, the ADHD partner begins to feel like a child.

This can drive a deeper wedge between the two, as the parentified partner pulls away, assuming that they must handle everything themselves, leaving the infantilized partner fewer opportunities to behave as an equal.

Both parties become resentful, and the parent-child dynamic becomes more rigid as time goes by.

In situations like these, both partners are making a significant and similar mistake: failing to differentiate their partners from their behavior.

People with ADHD may think and behave in familiar ways; this doesnโ€™t mean that they are all alike, or that their behavior always means what it might seem to mean. And people without ADHD living with those who have it are in a difficult spot as well.

In both cases, itโ€™s essential to recognize that the behavior enacted in the relationship represents an interaction between ADHD and the individuals involvedโ€”that itโ€™s not just you and not just your partner.

Take time to understand how this interaction between your personalities affects your behavior, and how it can introduce strife and difficulty between people who love each other.

Want to know more about what is it like dating someone with ADHD or having an ADHD partner? Check this video out below!

Check out Loren Soeiroโ€™s blog for more such informative, educative, and interesting articles.


Written By Loren Soeiro, Ph.D. ABPP
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
Ways Dating Someone With ADHD Can Prove To Be A Challenge pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Unsocial Media: The Real Effects Of Screen Time

Unsocial Media The Real Effects Of More Screen Time

Is social media making us less social in real life? Discover the true effects of screen time on face-to-face connections and overall well-being.

Loss of real-life interaction hampers social development.

Key points

A significant amount of real-life social interaction seems essential for the development of emotional and personal skills.

Research suggests that today’s youth has about half the exposure to critical real-life social interaction that pre-internet generations did.

Trends in poor social development among young people suggest the need for urgent attention and specific strategies to enhanc

Up Next

When Grandparentsโ€™ Love Goes Sour: 8 Signs Of Toxic Grandparents And How To Survive Them

Signs Of Toxic Grandparents

Have you ever noticed certain behaviors that make you wonder if your grandparentsโ€™ love might be a littleโ€ฆ off? Spotting the signs of toxic grandparents can be tough, especially when society paints them as the ultimate source of unconditional love and support.

But sometimes, grandparents might cross boundaries, show favoritism, or create a stressful environment that doesnโ€™t quite feel right. If youโ€™ve ever felt uneasy about their behavior, youโ€™re not alone.

In this article, weโ€™ll dive into the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of toxic grandparents and give you some strategies regarding how to deal with toxic grandparents, without causing family drama.

First, let us try to understand what are toxic grandparents.

Up Next

How a Person with Bipolar Disorder Thinks: 10 Things That Cross Their Mind

How a Person with Bipolar Disorder Thinks

Ever wondered how a person with bipolar disorder thinks? Living with bipolar disorder is often a constant ride of highs and lows, not just in mood but also in thoughts.

One moment, someone might feel invincible, brimming with ideas and energy; the next, they may feel crushed by sadness or anxiety, weighed down by self-doubt and exhaustion.

Understanding how a person with bipolar disorder thinks can help you understand better what they might be going through. Today, we’ll dive into what is bipolar disorder, followed by 10 thoughts that often cross the minds of those who live with it.

Let’s start with what is bipolar disorder.

Related:

Up Next

9 Unusual Signs of Low Intelligence That Will Surprise You

Indicators of Low Intelligence That Will Surprise You

When we talk about intelligence, most of us picture sharp-witted people solving puzzles or doing complex math. But the signs of low intelligence can be just as telling, and they show up in ways you might not expect.

A low IQ person often exhibit certain behaviors or attitudes that make them stand out. Whether itโ€™s their inability to adapt or their rigid thinking, these subtle low IQ symptoms say a lot.

Today, we are going to do a deep dive into the 9 unusual signs of low intelligence that might surprise youโ€”because intelligence isnโ€™t just about getting straight Aโ€™s.

Related:

Up Next

How Sleep affects Your Mental Health

The quality and amount of sleep play a huge role in the mental health and mood of an individual.

Even just one night of inadequate sleep can heighten oneโ€™s stress level. Constant lack of sleep and chronic sleep deprivation can alter a personโ€™s disposition and may even lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. In fact, a lot of research is now establishing links between insomnia and depression and how the two can interchangeably affect each other.

Sleep and mental health are broad and complex topics that still need further research to be able to fully grasp and comprehend well about them. All the same, the more we dig deeper w

Up Next

A Letter For Those Who Donโ€™t Understand Chronic Illness

A Letter for those who donโ€™t understand chronic illness.

Dear people who donโ€™t understand autoimmune disease or Chronic Illness:

I know people that have an autoimmune disease and chronic illness. They seem fine on the outside, but thatโ€™s what they want you to see because they have a fear of being judged and misunderstood.

However, in reality, people that deal with these issues may be people who are dealing with diet restrictions. Perhaps they have to go to many doctors to deal with managing pain. They may not be able to do the things that we take for granted.

I personally believe if you have an autoimmune disease, or any other chronic ill

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or itโ€™s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, weโ€™re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults โ€“ those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});