If you are thinking how to empower your children, then youโve come to the right place. When it comes to their experiences at school or life in general, these 3 questions to empower your children can be really helpful. Letโs find out how to empower your children, and which questions to ask.
KEY POINTS
- It takes away childrenโs power to tell them what to do or to belittle their challenges.
- Asking them questions activates their inner power.
- Ask, โWhat have you tried? How did it work? What else can you try?โ
Whatโs the first thing you do when your child tells you about a problem? No one likes me; the teacher was mean to me; so-and-so shoved me; I failed a testโฆ.
Do you rush to tell your child what to do? Tell them they donโt really have a problem? Or tell them that itโs probably their fault? You have lots of friends; donโt take it personally; punch the kid back; walk away; tell your teacher; study harderโฆ.
Do your children take your great advice, run off to put it into action, then rush home to thank you? I didnโt think so. Ungrateful brats!
Related: How Parents Can Empower Their Daughters: 3 Keys To Self Empowerment
No, they arenโt ungrateful, and they arenโt being know-it-alls who reject your wisdom. They just canโt use your solutions, because they are yours. The best ideas come from within. And children certainly canโt use belittling or blaming to help them find a good path.
Instead of giving advice, you can ask three empowering questions.
3 Questions To Empower Your Children
These questions help children find their own solutions and find the power to put them into action.
1. What have you tried?
This question is empowering because children often feel helpless in the face of a problem. But just because they havenโt found a great solution doesnโt mean they havenโt made an effort.
And effort should always be celebrated. This question also keeps you from suggesting things that they have already tried.
Example: My former best friend started being mean to me. I tried ignoring her, I tried being extra nice, and I tried getting the other kids to be mean to her.
2. How did it work?
This question activates self-reflection. Finding an answer requires children to consider the impact of their actions without blaming or lecturing.
They may recognize that they actually had a good idea, but it just didnโt work perfectly. Or they might realize that their idea backfired, and it may be wise not to keep doing it.
A common answer to โWhat have you tried?โ is โNothing.โ Thatโs OK. Still ask how it worked. Doing nothing is actually a strategy, and in some situations, it is the best strategy.
Example: Ignoring her and being nice to her made it worse. Getting the other kids to get her back got me into big trouble with the teacher. It isnโt fair!
Related: How To Help A Child With Stressful Experiences
3. What can you try next?
The last question empowers children to think creatively. Itโs rare, of course, that the three questions will result instantly in a perfect idea. In fact, the most common answer to this question is, โI donโt know.โ
That puts parents right back where they started, eager to provide the solution. But hold your horses! Even if your child asks you what to do, resist that urge.
You might give a silly answer, such as, โCall on the aliens to send their spaceships to carry the bullies away!โ (But only do this if the child is open to humor and wonโt feel belittled or teased by such a joke.)
The reason I like to give a ridiculous idea is that it allows the child to say, โThat wonโt work,โ which they are dying to say about your ideas, no matter how good they are. Then you can say, โOh, I guess that is kind of unrealistic. Do you have any ideas?โ
One reason children are reluctant to give their ideas is they have had their ideas dismissed or discounted so often. So be sure you are really ready to listen, not waiting to tell them, โThat wonโt work.โ
Example: I guess I could try ignoring her again. When I tried it before I didnโt give it much time because she just made me so mad. But I think I could ignore her better now. And thereโs this new girl in school who I think could be a good friend.
Roleplay
Sometimes it helps to play out an idea in fantasy before trying it out for real. This kind of test drive can help a child see that a good idea might work, or see that a rotten idea might not work.
Be sure not to push too hard in shaping the results of the roleplay. Let the drama unfold naturally, and the child will develop a deeper understanding of the problem and possible solutions.
Example: Parent says, โDo you want to act it out? Iโll be the ex-friend. Oh, look at her. I canโt believe I used to be her friendโugh.โ Parent exaggerates to make it a bit lighter, and makes sure it isnโt hitting too close to home.
Child walks by with chin up, confidently. Parent sticks out her tongue, child laughs, and they wrestle, giggling. Then parent says, โIโll be the new girl. Hey, you look very nice, would you like to be my friend?โ
Related: 49 Phrases To Calm An Anxious Child
Oh, the Irony
Yes, I recognize that I am giving you advice not to give advice! Letโs start over. When your child comes to you with a problem, or you discover a problem theyโve been hiding, what have you tried? How did it work? What might you try next?
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Written By Lawrence J. Cohen Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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