Your Night, My Pain…

I married a young man… once so caring, so in love… one who seemed to shelter me from my dark little world and thoughts, and shine a light of hope through me… I was young too, had gone through more than a mind and soul could bear, a mended heart at that… was afraid to let my heart go, to believe there could be a true partner out there, in this empty world of fake smiles and careless souls… one stretching out his strong, promising arms, just for me… I invited you in… you held my face between the warmth of your palms, looked into my eyes and there you were… shining just for “us”…

Countless smiles and tears, shared dreams and pains, a loving, yet at times, wounded embrace… the creation of two pure blessings, and a home built on faith among the many thorns pleading to break into its fragile space… gone… all gone… has one thorn finally found its way?

I once married a young man… one who is now lost, and one who has now lost my earnest trust… lives in a “bubble” of his own, away from the echoes of the real world… doesn’t know what he truly wants and thinks that maybe, just maybe if the bubble bursts or if he realizes that I might still be the one with whom he wishes to walk through this everlasting path of roses and thorns, I would still be here, hoping for his return at the end of a lonesome dawn… yes, I’ve watched you grow cold, imprisoned by your own frustrations, swallowed by your built-in uncertainties, with an empty look of victimization and indifference… pushing me to the very blink of my feelings of solitude, anguish and pain until I finally released you from my suffocating claws and what it now seems to have turned into nothing more than a “family” cage.

I once married a young man… one who tattooed our existence into the flesh of his skin and wanted to fly away from it all, only with us… now, he flies away from us into the depths of it all, the depths of the unknown, into the stings of this hollow world… Oh, how you make me feel like I have enticed you into nothing but a web of control… though I have stood by you through the thickest, gloomiest times and believed from the very first day in your potential, against all odds, more than anyone ever did, anyone ever will… I was your girl, you said… and the caring eyes that have once and again looked at me with a glow of wonder and promises of sunny days and the sound of the most calming, soulful waves look at me now through dark clouds filled with faint anger and a dispassionate lack of faith. So, that is it. Have I suffocated you, my “cool” young man and created a grumpy old soul instead?

I can feel it now… I burned my spirit, clogged my mind, almost lost myself in vain… and why, may I wonder, as one single look from his eyes tells me that the 13 year old story of “us” is a dead, rotten one and the reason, the simplest explanation of all – we just grew apart… and even the good I might have still witnessed lingering between our afflicted hearts has been but a lie that I failed to see… one that has, as of this damn, revealing night, been covered with a thick layer of grey dust, the same dust that will now cover and protect my heart… until I see the light and blink of love and warmth once again… one that will melt the thick, poisoned blood pumping through my veins and finally make me feel alive and wanted one more time, maybe feel truly safe from lies just this once… Yes, I told you I know now more than ever what I want and most of all what I don’t want… but you failed to understand that perhaps, just perhaps, I still wished it would be you, my once partner in love and crime, who would once again be part of this vision that I still dare to yearn for…

At the end, whether this day may ever find its way waltzing through my life again, one truth remains, one that will never let me regret the choices I’ve made and the union we’ve shared, and that is you, my little wondrous boys.

N.F.

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