You were the reason…

We all have our hearts pacing for different reasons. We all let our heart skip beats and our lungs forget to breathe for different reasons. Mine was you. You were the reason I let go of things I could have easily controlled. You were the reason I gave into the voices of my head which, in turn drove me to madness. You were the reason I emptied bottles of whiskey lying on the floor, all alone. You were the reason I let the smoke of ciagrettes fill my lungs, trying hard to breathe. You were the reason I still have tiny clots on my hands, where I injected myself with drugs to forget why I loved you. You were the reason of the razor scars on my left hand. I do not think about you. Not anymore. Until, I am lying next to someone who I cannot love because of you. Until, you’re stuck in my head and I cannot unthink of the way your hair used to fall on my face and make the light go away. I’m not alive anymore. I’m just a ghost wandering through hallways, searching for your love. Sometimes, I find it circling around me. Like the air that flows without letting you see it. But, sometimes I see my eyes searching for you in crowds I know you won’t be there. My brain is tired. My heart is exhausted. And, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should sit here silently or smoke another joint. I don’t know know if I should try to stop thinking or let my thoughts destroy me. I don’t know what to do. But, maybe someday I will. Till then, I’ll be here, watching the lonely nights melt into the sunny mornings which fail to put me to sleep.

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