You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

Written By:

Written By:

“It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.” ~Unknown

When we’re deep into something it’s hard to see clearly and to hear advice from others. It’s hard to focus on a solution when we are consumed with the problem.

It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess. It’s so much easier to see checkmate when you’re not the one playing the game.

That’s what happened to me for the last five years.

I spent every breathing moment consumed with a man, unable to listen to those who watched me struggle. I spent five years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.

For five years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never-ending cycle of depression and humiliation.

I destroyed my reputation and slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behavior, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?

Still, I couldn’t stop. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For five years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.

And then I got pregnant, in the midst of the chaos and passion that was our on-and-off relationship.

Everyone around me pressured me to have an abortion. I knew they were worried about me, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son.

And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise our child. While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. Ibroke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character.

I was wrong.

From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. He hurt me during the most vulnerable time in my life. Then months later he told me he loved me.

We did this back and forth game throughout my entire pregnancy. It felt like an eternal emotional tug of war. It was draining. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do.

I chased him out of fear.

I chased him for me.

I chased him for our son.

I chased him for the home and family I had built in my mind for so many years.

I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle.

And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick.

Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. And the three of us would finally be a family.

That never happened, of course. My son and I never got that family. And I now know we never will.

I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind.

For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. I put him and our connection on a pedestal. I idolized and worshiped every part of him.

But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him.

It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.

If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.

He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.

It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.

He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.

If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.

It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.

But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.

We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.

If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.

I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.

Wasted time is wasted life.

You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You2

— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

7 Best On-Screen Couples Ranked by How Likely They Are to Stay Together

Best On-Screen Couples Ranked: Which Pair Will Last Forever?

Love on screen is pure magic. The stolen glances, the grand gestures, the dramatic reunions in the pouring rain—it’s the kind of romance that makes our hearts race and our eyes misty. But let’s be honest, not all of these couples would actually last if they had to deal with, you know, real life. Bills? Stress? That annoying habit of leaving wet towels on the bed? Some of them would crumble faster than a rom-com breakup montage.

That’s why we’re taking a closer look at the best on-screen couples ranked —but not just by chemistry or cuteness. No, no. We’re going deeper. Who would actually survive the test of time? Who would fight over the thermostat and call it quits? And who would grow old together, still making each other laugh after all these years?

Some love stories are built to last. Others? Well… let’s just say they be

Up Next

40+ Funny Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend That Will Leave Him Cracking Up

Funny Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend That'll Crack Him Up

If you want to keep the spark alive in your relationship, and fill your conversations with humor and laughter, then you have come to the right place. Today, we are going to do a deep dive into some of the best and funny questions to ask your boyfriend.

Whether you’re looking for funny questions to ask your partner during a road trip, a lazy Sunday, or just to break the ice, a little humor goes a long way. After all, who doesn’t love a good laugh?

If you want to tease his goofy side, and get him to wrack his mind in ridiculously funny ways, then this list of questions will surely do the trick.

When it comes to funny questions to ask your partner to make him laugh, this is one of the sneaky ways to also get to know him better – his

Up Next

What Really Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?

Relationship Satisfaction Important Things To Know

Does good communication truly determine relationship satisfaction, or are there deeper factors at play? Let’s explore the truth behind long-term happiness between partners.

The paradox of communication.

Key points

Timing and context matter as much as communication itself.

Simply improving communication might not be enough.

Mutual goals strengthen relationship satisfaction.

Up Next

Is the Romance Gone? What to Do When Your Partner Feels Like a Roommate

Does Your Partner Feels Like a Roommate? Here’s How to Fix It

When your partner feels like a roommate, the spark can start to fizzle, leaving the relationship stuck in autopilot. But don’t worry—there are plenty of ways to deal with emotional distance and bring back the excitement.

KEY POINTS

When partners feel like roommates, it’s a sign of a pattern of mutual emotional withdrawal.

Instead of leaning on each other, partners have been going to their separate corners, being hyper-independent.

To break this pattern, partners need to learn to take emotional risks: sharing their feelings and needs.

Withdrawing behavior is

Up Next

Which Romance Trope Are You Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

Which Romance Trope Are You? Zodiac Romantic Love Tropes

Valentine’s Day 2025 will soon be here, so have you wondered which romance trope are you like? Your zodiac sign might lead you to your perfect love story. Let’s explore!

Maybe you’re a passionate love, or perhaps a slow burn that evolves into something beautiful over time? Each zodiac sign has its own set of traits that align with some of the most beloved romance tropes.

From forbidden attraction, or the classic “opposites attract”, there’s a love story that mirrors your zodiac essence. So, what romance trope are you? Let’s dive into the stars and see the zodiac signs as romance tropes!

Read More Here:

Up Next

The 3 Most Destructive Relationship Patterns and How to Break Them

Most Destructive Relationship Patterns and How to Break Them

Destructive relationship patterns can sneak into even the best bonds, messing things up before you know it. These types of destructive patterns can drain the joy right out of a relationship. So, let’s break them down, and try to find out how to break out of it.

KEY POINTS

Destructive relationship patterns include pursue/withdraw, withdraw/withdraw, and fight/fight.

If not addressed, these patterns can snowball out of control due to destructive feedback loops.

Break the cycle by sharing your feelings and needs gently and clearly to feel connected and stop fighting.

Up Next

8 K-Drama Childhood Friends to Lovers: Why You’ll Fall in Love All Over Again

Swoon Worthy Childhood Friends To Lovers Kdramas

Let’s be real, we’re all tired of the cringe-worthy, dramatic American teen series that are so predictable. That’s childhood friends to lovers trope is calling your name. The slow-burn romance of a k-drama is just Chef’s kiss!

The kind of chemistry that takes time to build, so you’re hanging on to every little glance, every meaningful pause. The kind that makes you say, “Did they just… or did I just imagine that?”

So, hold your horses because kdrama childhood friends to lovers is filled with emotions that are deep, and the way they take their time to explore complex feelings will have you swooning like no teenage heartthrob ever could.

So without further ado, let’s take a look at 8 childhood friends to lovers kdramas, These will have you hooked and thinking about your childhood