For instance, ‘you made me look elsewhere at other men/women. If you weren’t so abusive/controlling/focused on yourself, I wouldn’t have needed to’.
3. The ‘poor me’ routine, used:
a) With you to reinforce doubts as to who is the abusive party and triggering both your empathy for them and fear of retribution if you do not amp up your supply; and
b) In smear campaigns with others, also used to obtain sympathy for them as the ‘injured party’ and to garner support that you just might be the narcissist.
You get the idea.
It’s becoming a little clearer now isn’t it?
But still you ask, yes but ‘How do I know I’m not the narcissist? I mean 100% know.’
Test of intentionality
So, here’s the thing.
Believe it or not, asking yourself ‘how do I know I’m not the narcissist’ signifies the fog of brainwashing is lifting. Of necessity, this comes hand in hand with the realisation that the person you’re in a relationship (or were in) with is abusive and potentially has NPD.
You are now able to recognise what is what. You are a victim of narcissistic abuse. And you rightly hold the narc responsible for abusing you.
You have been through hell. Pure and simple. It may come slowly, but eventually, you will also most likely feel the need to share your story with those you trust as part of your healing journey.
The power of narcissistic abuse is tenacious. You reflect on these things and come full circle…doubt creeps in once again. ‘Hang on a minute’ you think, ‘aren’t I doing the same things as the narc? Projecting, blaming, and seeking sympathy from loved ones?’…’ who’s to say that they are wrong and I am right, what’s the difference here??’…aaaaaargh, ‘how do I know I’m not the narcissist?’
The big tell gorgeous one, is your intention contrasted with theirs.
Quick recap. The narc’s intent in projecting, blaming, and using the ‘poor me routine’ is to disempower you, and brainwash you into questioning reality, and your mental health.
Now consider where you are coming from.
You believe you have suffered narcissistic abuse, and the responsibility for this is entirely the narc’s, because these are facts.
You share your story because you need to be heard after being silenced for so long. It is also how you receive the validation you desperately need to begin recovering from the annihilation you’ve suffered.
You are speaking your truth, the reality, in order to heal.
BIG difference. HUGE.
Test of logic
Still not sold? OK here we go.
You know you’re not the narc because…
1. Asking yourself ‘How do I know I’m not the narcissist’ means you are concerned you might be. Ummmm, YESSS!!! I hear you say frustratedly…
My point lies in the word ‘concerned’. Feeling this way necessarily means that for you, the idea of feeling entitled to cause pain by controlling, demeaning, and manipulating others with the end goal of stripping them of all power and sense of worth, is well, abhorrent.
2. Furthermore, your concern indicates understanding of a) how awful the behaviors are, and b) the impact that it has on victims.
For you to comprehend these concepts, indeed, to feel them, you must have empathy. As you know, the true narcissist is devoid of empathy.
3. Your repulsion at the possibility of behaving as a narcissist, of course means that you do not want to be this way. It is therefore fair to consider that the disgust would be a massive motivation to change.
For growth to occur, certain conditions must be met in addition to the will to change.
The first of these involves giving honest critical thought to your actions and behaviors. The second is the identification and ownership of the undesirable behaviors you wish to transform. Let’s call this self-reflection.
Pursuing an answer to the question ‘How do I know I’m not the narcissist?’ is an act of self-reflection (which by the way, you are doing right now…).