Ever Worry You Might Be the Narcissist in Your Relationship?

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Worry Might Be Narcissist in Relationship

If youโ€™ve ever been in a relationship with a malignant narcissist or someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder, you might have wondered on more than one occasion whether you are the narcissist in the relationship. This post will help you know what is healthy and unhealthy narcissism.

Thanks to the gaslighting and manipulation involved in the relationship, a toxic partner, friend, or family member may have convinced you that you are, in fact, the one who is toxic and that they are the innocent victim. So, how do you know if youโ€™re the narcissist โ€“ or not?  What if Youโ€™re the Narcissist? (See video on YouTube or read below).

Whatโ€™s the Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Narcissism?

Would you be offended if I told you that you have at least a little bit of narcissism in your personality? Itโ€™s actually the truth! See, every single one of us has some amount of narcissism.

At its most basic level,ย narcissismย is simple self-interest, so just the fact that you woke up this morning, maybe got dressed and fed yourself? That is an indication of narcissism. Getting your hair done or wearing outfits that you love can be considered narcissistic. Thinking youโ€™re attractive, or smart, or in any way a good person? Also narcissism.

But thereโ€™s aย difference between someone who cares about themselves and someone who is what we call a โ€œmalignantโ€ narcissist.

So, letโ€™s talk about that. One of the biggest things that people ask me when they first find my videos, articles, books or podcasts is, โ€œbut isnโ€™t EVERYONE a narcissist?โ€

And my answer is always yes. Butโ€ฆthereโ€™s more to it than that. See, there is such a thing as โ€œhealthy narcissism,โ€ and then thereโ€™s what we call โ€œmalignantโ€ or โ€œtoxic narcissism.โ€

Read What Is Healthy Narcissism? How Does it Differ from Self Love

Healthy Narcissism vs Unhealthy Narcissism

Whether itโ€™s due to our culture, our technology, our parents, or some other cause, a larger percentage of narcissists seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Some people are even calling it an epidemic.

And of course, in the past couple of years, tons ofย new so-called expertsย have come out of the woodwork, MOST of them doing the work because they have found someone like me and healed, so theyโ€™re trying to give back. There are some who arenโ€™t so genuine in their efforts, but we wonโ€™t give them any more focus than they deserve.

Is there a narcissism epidemic?

As news and gossip around certain well-known narcissist-types swirl through the media and our minds these days, youโ€™ve got to wonder if maybe there is a narcissism epidemic, right? In any case, there seems to be evidence of anย increase in narcissism in our society, and there are those who would argue that there is a certain amount of narcissism that is healthy for most people.

Would you be totally shocked that I agree with โ€œthem,โ€ that there is a certain amount of narcissism that is necessary to survive and certainly thrive in the world these days? Itโ€™s true.ย But aย healthy amount of narcissismย looks a lot more like a dedication to oneโ€™s own happiness and success โ€“ along with the ability to empathize with and generally care for other people and their feelings.

How do you know whatโ€™s healthy when it comes to narcissism?

What does healthy narcissism really look like? Well, it starts withย self-esteem. It looks like loving (or at least being okay with) yourself and understanding that you have value without the need for excessive outside validation. It means that you donโ€™t need people around you to be โ€œless thanโ€ you in order to feel validated.

Itโ€™s being able to be genuinely happy for another personโ€™s success and able to admit it if you feel a little jealous of it. Itโ€™s using those feelings to push you to inspiration and success, rather than to feel insecure and threatened by it.

And this next part is especially important.ย Healthy narcissism must coexist with healthy empathy skills.ย That is exactly the difference between a toxic narcissist (or sociopath, or person withย narcissistic personality disorder/NPD) and a healthy person with a healthy amount of narcissism.

In fact, I personally feel thatย compassionate empathyย โ€“ or the lack thereof โ€“ is the tipping point between relatively healthy narcissism and malignant narcissism.

When does it turn into malignant or toxic narcissism?

Officially, a malignant narcissist is a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) along with other antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-driven aggression. They may also exhibit an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.

But hereโ€™s the part thatโ€™s really important here โ€“ itโ€™s the empathy thing. When we say โ€œnarcissists have no empathy,โ€ we donโ€™t necessarily mean that theyโ€™re not capable of figuring out what youโ€™re feeling. What we mean is that narcissists donโ€™t FEEL empathy in the same way as most people do. They have no compassion, no remorse and they donโ€™t feel regret โ€“ unless they regret a choice they made because it negatively affected them directly.

Read 20 Narcissistic Terms: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding Narcissism

What I mean is that a narcissist cannot feel genuine empathy, and often, unless it benefits them directly, they donโ€™t even pretend to understand how you feel.  Of course, when it suits them, they are more than happy to use the ability to read people in order to manipulate them. In fact, even in the cases where they appear to understand emotion, itโ€™s only to their benefit that they use that ability โ€“ only when and if itโ€™s required to get what they want from you. THAT is โ€œcognitive empathy.โ€

And thereโ€™s a big difference between theย kind of empathy a narcissist displaysย and actual empathy. To clarify, in general, real empathy is the ability to sense, understand, and feel the emotions of someone else, even if you havenโ€™t had an identical experience. Now, real empathy might be cognitive, emotional, and/or compassionate.

But either way, real empathy means, on some level, you can put yourself in someone elseโ€™s shoes. You can feel what they are feeling even if you cannot relate to what they are going through directly because you can sort of imagine how they must feel. You feel compassion for them and you care about their feelings because of this โ€“ and then you act accordingly.

False empathyย is sadly used as a manipulation tactic by narcissists when they want something from you. As emotionally delayed as they are, narcissists are usually relatively intellectually inclined. They can โ€œthink aboutโ€ what someone else is feeling, but it doesnโ€™t affect their emotional state directly, nor does it play a part in how they treat the other person.

Read Rise of The Narcopath: How To Spot And Cope With A Narcissistic Sociopath

Malignant Narcissists Do Not Recognize Boundaries

Narcissists by nature are wired to do whatever is necessary to get what they want, and they do this in varying degrees of intensity, often pushing their victims to the point of emotional exhaustion, isolation, depression, and even various forms of PTSD โ€“ and then there are theย physical symptoms involved with emotional and psychological abuse.

Considering who these people are and how much they seem to need from the people closest to them, you wonโ€™t be surprised to know that they are quite often attracted to their polar opposites, for obvious reasons.

While a toxicย narcissist will create excessive โ€œrulesโ€ for youย and will enforce them even to their own detriment at times, they will refuse to accept your own boundaries, and often, if you do have the nerve to try to express those boundaries to the narcissist directly, they will actually intentionally cross them, just because you asked them not to do so.

It is one more way they show you theyโ€™re in control. This may start off small at the beginning of your relationship. For example, letโ€™s say you have a newย friend who might be a toxic narcissist.

You tell them early in the relationship that you really prefer they call you before they drop by. They do at first, but over time, there are little drop-ins that you donโ€™t expect. Theyโ€™re just dropping off that thing they borrowed from you that one time, whatโ€™s the big deal? Or they just happened to be in the neighbourhood, but they forgot to call. Do you mind making them a little something to eat?

Then, before you know it, theyโ€™ve got their own key and they stop by anytime it pleases them. And they complain if your house isnโ€™t company-ready. Yep. They will slowly push your boundaries bit-by-bit until they completely obliterate them.

Read 5 Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head

Why do we accept this?

We tolerate this kind of abuse for a few different reasons โ€“ and you might be surprised to learn why. But hereโ€™s the thing. Often, when we end up inย toxic relationships with narcissists, we also may have been raised by them โ€“ or at least, deeply affected in childhood by some form of abuse or trauma.

Many times, that does come from aย disapproving or controlling parentย โ€“ or a directly abusive one. Or, in some cases, our parents may have just been really neglectful of our emotional and/or physical needs. Letโ€™s talk about why the narcissist chose you and how this is connected to the suffering youโ€™re facing in this toxic relationship.

What do narcissists look for in a partner or friend?

Narcissists seek out empathic, highly intuitive people for a reason โ€“ we care about how people feel and we are driven to action by their intense emotional outbursts. This is because growing up, someone taught us that in order to receive love, we needed to keep them happy by doing SOMETHING โ€“ we either had to live up to their particular standards for us (and often, those were impossible standards), or we had to stay out of their way, or we had to do whatever they told us to do, or whatever your parentโ€™s particular needs and demands were.

We learned that love was not unconditional, even where it shouldโ€™ve been, and we learned that our value wasnโ€™t in our individual selves so much as it was in our ability to serve the toxic person in our lives. So, we becameย people pleasersย and we learned that loving someone meant to do anything we could to make or keep them happy, regardless of the personal cost to ourselves and our mental or physical health.

Read What is Narcissistic Abuse: 16 Signs To Identify And How To Protect

There is also the issues that go along with trauma bonding that complicates things and may lead to C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).

And letโ€™s not forget how easy it can be toย love bombย us โ€“ as people-pleasers, we are wired to want people to like us, and to seek the best in everyone. We are willing to put up with being treated like we donโ€™t matter, and we are trained to literally put other people before our own HEALTH even โ€“ just to make them happy and to feel like they love us โ€“ even though that is clearly not the truth. See how that might make for an ideal source of narcissistic supply?

Narcissists Make You Feel Unlovable

In case you didnโ€™t catch it โ€“ and just to remind you โ€“ the people who taught you that you werenโ€™t lovable unless you served them and met all of their demands โ€“ they were wrong. 

Actual love doesnโ€™t require you to give to the point of physical illness, or to put your own mental health on the back burner, or to ALWAYS give in and do what the other person wants, even when itโ€™s against your moral, ethical, or personal beliefs.

Real love doesnโ€™t require you to give until youโ€™re completely drained and never get anything in return. While a โ€œreal loveโ€ relationship might sometimes look like 40/60 or 70/30 in certain situations, the โ€œaverageโ€ ratio of give and take should be close to 50/50.

Bottom Line on the difference between healthy and unhealthy narcissism? Healthy narcissism is self-focus, self-confidence, self-interest, and personal drive, but these qualities must coexist with a healthy concern for others and the ability to genuinely empathize with them.

Unhealthy,ย malignant narcissismย and NPD involve the lack of emotional and compassionate empathy and concern for others, combined with an unhealthy amount of self-focus. And of course, this kind of narcissistic person is secretly quite insecure and very troubled, in some cases โ€“ but you may never know that unless you look beyond the smoke and mirrors.

Question of the Day: Do you know a malignant narcissist who displays unhealthy empathy? How have they affected you and your life? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, and share your experiences in the comments section below.


Written by: Angela Atkinson
Originally appeared on: Queenbeeing.com
Republish with permission.
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