Without Another Thought, I Let It All Go

In life, we all have something that we hold on to and don’t want to let go; for reasons of being a security, a good feeling you haven’t felt in a long time, or a feeling you have never felt at all… that something could even be a somebody. Learning to let go, whatever it may be in a person’s life, is so much easier said than done; especially for someone like me, who is naturally very in tune with my emotions, but also extremely intense in all aspects of life.

When I claim what’s mine, I do it in a way that even not knowing me, you know whatever it is, is mine. I’ve observed, learned and heard many different variations of “letting go” throughout the years, and a lot of what I have witnessed are people who have a hard time letting go of possessions or something valuable to them. Rarely do we speak of heartbreak, trauma or a negative outcome of letting go, because let’s face it, that crap is sad. But what if getting it out vocally is a part of letting go?

I’ve noticed a lot of people like to vent, talk or get what’s bothering them off their chest, but not always to the right person. Let’s say a couple is having a rough patch and he goes to tell his brother-in-law everything that’s on his mind, but doesn’t communicate with his significant other…he let it go, yet she is still harboring his tension– let’s just say it doesn’t end with a happily ever after.

Skip forward a bit to recently; how much he’s been venting, talking and reliving his past hurt…in his head and to close family. All the time he’s getting this off his chest– his hurt, memories, pain and happiness from her, he’s letting go. Her perspective; still holding on to hope that he’s just having a bad week and they can talk it through.

She’s holding on, he’s letting go. From my experience and clarity, men can let go faster because they are logically and mentally done before women, who are emotionally attached for a awhile after– especially if they are the ones being dumped, and out of the blue. Being the person I am, with the heart I have, it’s rough for me to detach from something, especially a person…and remembering back to the final night I saw him, I told him that for me, it’s hardest to let go of someone who is still alive, and killing them from my memory, than someone leaving my life because of death.

The reason for this saga is my fight to let go of someone I thought was my person, my favorite, my rock, and the one I thought would be by my side, no matter what life threw at me. But how wrong I was; because in three years we went from best friends attached at the hip, to complete strangers who hated each other immensely.

In the long and painful story of us, we both did our share of spiteful revenge and making sure the other felt the hurt– but it didn’t start out as the game it, unfortunately, ended up being. We loved each other, neither of us can deny that; but the love turned to lust, lust turned to guilt, and guilt to pity. Asking ourselves why we are “just being” when we knew we should have parted long ago. Feeling truly happy, excited, eager and proud to be together and quickly having the heartbreaking opposite feelings of all, towards each other.

Thinking about it, we really were the best of friends; and I know for a fact that is the one thing I am having the hardest time letting go of…and it’s not going to be pretty. We always had so much fun together; bike riding, motorcycle rides, day trips…that stays in a girl’s heart and memory box for a long time– and it’s the hardest thing she will have to release, also the very last.

The hurt, sadness and anger leading up to letting go of the last bit never made sense to me before. But as I sit here crying my eyes out at the good times he and I shared, I can’t help but think that all the negative feelings, recently, that I’m holding on to and pushing the positive out with, made me stronger and able to handle the rocks falling on top of me, making me feel my absolute weakest now, for this reason. I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together or hold it in when I needed, if I wasn’t made stronger, first. Heartbreak and crying myself to sleep are far from healed– I know it’s going to take time and so much effort to keep going, but letting go of someone and healing from the pain is not done nearly as easy as said.

I’ve never been a crier in life. I have always held it in, pushed sadness under the rug, hated crying around others. I still do, to this day, actually. But when I cry, the people closest to me know that I am truly and deeply distraught, because my emotions are intense, when let out. This time around in being single, I’m not focused on jumping into anything or making myself feel better around others who aren’t a significant part of my life.

I’m wanting to be my own person; I have done so much growing, my mind is opening more, I’m realizing and accepting new things and my own flaws, as well as something I have never done before…I’m crying when I feel sad.

If I have to step away, I will. But when I feel sad, or a memory that I’m trying to let go of pops up, I stop and feel it. Think about it, cry for however long I need to, then let go of it. I know that’s always the way to go to do that kind of thing, but how I work things out– you have to be someone really special to get me to cry about a memory we shared.

So, upon recently realizing and accepting that crying and feeling the emotion in the memory for as long as I need to, then saying goodbye and letting it go, are two very important steps that I know I have always avoided and been completely hesitant to try. Like I’ve said many moments before, time is not my friend and time is everything when healing or having a huge piece of your heart ripped from your chest, so painfully.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I use sarcasm, jokes and humor to cover the negative emotions– but never have I expressed that I don’t let it out in private, either. I’m a secretive person by nature; I want to know all and I will keep all the secrets, but I’m very careful about who I tell mine to.

The more I look back on it, the more circles I find that just don’t come to a full close. Lies and revenge became his mindset for me and only I was in the dark about it, until I had to confront him— then it was all my fault for getting mad and lashing out. I don’t need someone to throw my own wrongdoings back in my face for revenge or spite. I need someone who will talk that shit out with me, tell me the honest truth and we grow and move on together.

He was a child, in that area. Realizing he never communicated or actually talked anything out with me that I hurt him by doing– but instead going to his sister!?– then making things worse by accusing way over the top of something I could have easily explained, made me feel extremely low and that I was a really horrible person. But I know I’m not.

Because how I think, react and communicate are completely level-headed, as well as show common sense and respect for those who earn and deserve mine. He doesn’t. He is a horrible communicator who’s grammar and punctuation are completely misleading and monotone. I told him numerous times that I didn’t want to talk about anything serious over text because he never understands or we get into a heated argument.

Honestly, I remember being on eggshells and making sure everything was the way HE liked it, when he got home from work. He would never get mad or upset like I was used to a man being towards me, but I could feel the distance and coldness radiating off him from the other side of the house. I don’t deserve that. I’m too confident and nonjudgmental to be afraid of what attitude or mood is going to walk through the front door at night.

The littlest things, in some cases, are worth holding on to. When you can think about a good moment or memory without crying or getting upset; you know you’ve moved on, and without a grudge.

The last piece I hold onto until the last possible minute; the piece that makes everything I hate about someone, seem like nothing. The piece that for me, makes it so hard to drive by or even in his town, and pray every time I go somewhere that I don’t see him. That piece…that piece I am actually thinking about having to let go as I type this, and getting completely emotional and crying about, is all that is left.

I don’t know what hit me, but as I sit here typing this, I think about how my heart was sunken to my stomach on my drive home tonight, until the feeling of clarity that got me right after I passed his work. I talked it out on video and as I was talking, it all just made sense as to why I’m holding on, when I really know I can’t, but more than anything don’t want to anymore…for my own self worth, if anything.

What I was trying to do the whole time is hold onto that last piece of ‘us’ until I can’t feel any hurt or anger anymore. Why am I still crying, hurting and sad? I want to let go, but I can’t. It’s harder than I thought, absolutely; I just didn’t realize there was a difference between letting go and actual healing. What I have finally come to understand is, letting go doesn’t mean anything except to let that part of your life go, walk away and not repeating. I was trying so hard to not feel the negative emotions and pushing them down; like I always have, trying to make the hurt go with everything else.

So to keep memories of the good times isn’t a bad thing; but I need to remember that the relationship wasn’t good and it won’t ever be different, to be able to keep going and not backtrack on something I know, is a toxic situation. But those memories need to be stored away and completely forgotten about, for now anyway. Maybe one day in the future we will reconnect as friends. Maybe one day we will pass each other on the street, make eye contact and quickly look away. But for right now– I know I won’t ever be the person I made him believe I was and he will see that one day, no matter how it’s revealed.

Reading over this tonight and thinking about how long of a time period it took me to write this last part of the six, it was definitely the longest span; about 3 weeks in total. Writing each one, leading up to finally being able to letting everything go, was harder with every part I wrote because I didn’t write just to get the healing and moving on done and over. I wrote each part as I felt it, needed to release and get it out in the right way for me; whether it be a story, narrative, fiction or a different point of view that I write.

I’ve gotten angry, cried, vented, and hurt all over again to be able to write this series, but I’ve been honest and open because I want to be able to heal, mend and strive for better than I ever have and for real– not cover it because I’m afraid of whatever is in my future, holding back, telling myself I can’t do it, or why even bother–especially letting others say it to me.

I’ve come so far about getting my priorities straight, knowing what I want and how to achieve it in the right way and doing what I think is best for my minions and me– so if I skip backwards and go for what I thought I wanted more than anything, I’m choosing for my life to stay in my past; the one that I’m so desperately trying to move on from, as well as lose all the positive opportunities I’m gaining and the future I want.

The hurt isn’t healed, the heartbreak isn’t mended and the last tear hasn’t fallen. But the confusion is clearer, the anxiety is lifting and laughter is more constant.

So as I take a deep breath, close my eyes, cry for that one last piece I’ve been holding–
Without another thought, I let it all go.