In life, we all have something that we hold on to and don’t want to let go; for reasons of being a security, a good feeling you haven’t felt in a long time, or a feeling you have never felt at all… that something could even be a somebody. Learning to let go, whatever it may be in a person’s life, is so much easier said than done; especially for someone like me, who is naturally very in tune with my emotions, but also extremely intense in all aspects of life.
When I claim what’s mine, I do it in a way that even not knowing me, you know whatever it is, is mine. I’ve observed, learned and heard many different variations of “letting go” throughout the years, and a lot of what I have witnessed are people who have a hard time letting go of possessions or something valuable to them. Rarely do we speak of heartbreak, trauma or a negative outcome of letting go, because let’s face it, that crap is sad. But what if getting it out vocally is a part of letting go?
I’ve noticed a lot of people like to vent, talk or get what’s bothering them off their chest, but not always to the right person. Let’s say a couple is having a rough patch and he goes to tell his brother-in-law everything that’s on his mind, but doesn’t communicate with his significant other…he let it go, yet she is still harboring his tension– let’s just say it doesn’t end with a happily ever after.
Skip forward a bit to recently; how much he’s been venting, talking and reliving his past hurt…in his head and to close family. All the time he’s getting this off his chest– his hurt, memories, pain and happiness from her, he’s letting go. Her perspective; still holding on to hope that he’s just having a bad week and they can talk it through.
She’s holding on, he’s letting go. From my experience and clarity, men can let go faster because they are logically and mentally done before women, who are emotionally attached for a awhile after– especially if they are the ones being dumped, and out of the blue. Being the person I am, with the heart I have, it’s rough for me to detach from something, especially a person…and remembering back to the final night I saw him, I told him that for me, it’s hardest to let go of someone who is still alive, and killing them from my memory, than someone leaving my life because of death.
The reason for this saga is my fight to let go of someone I thought was my person, my favorite, my rock, and the one I thought would be by my side, no matter what life threw at me. But how wrong I was; because in three years we went from best friends attached at the hip, to complete strangers who hated each other immensely.
In the long and painful story of us, we both did our share of spiteful revenge and making sure the other felt the hurt– but it didn’t start out as the game it, unfortunately, ended up being. We loved each other, neither of us can deny that; but the love turned to lust, lust turned to guilt, and guilt to pity. Asking ourselves why we are “just being” when we knew we should have parted long ago. Feeling truly happy, excited, eager and proud to be together and quickly having the heartbreaking opposite feelings of all, towards each other.
Thinking about it, we really were the best of friends; and I know for a fact that is the one thing I am having the hardest time letting go of…and it’s not going to be pretty. We always had so much fun together; bike riding, motorcycle rides, day trips…that stays in a girl’s heart and memory box for a long time– and it’s the hardest thing she will have to release, also the very last.
The hurt, sadness and anger leading up to letting go of the last bit never made sense to me before. But as I sit here crying my eyes out at the good times he and I shared, I can’t help but think that all the negative feelings, recently, that I’m holding on to and pushing the positive out with, made me stronger and able to handle the rocks falling on top of me, making me feel my absolute weakest now, for this reason. I wouldn’t be able to pull myself together or hold it in when I needed, if I wasn’t made stronger, first. Heartbreak and crying myself to sleep are far from healed– I know it’s going to take time and so much effort to keep going, but letting go of someone and healing from the pain is not done nearly as easy as said.