Why We Fall Out Of Love (And How To Stop The Cycle)

Why We Fall Out Of Love (And How To Stop The Cycle)

Were you ever madly in love with your partner and then at some point found yourself no longer in love? It happens to everyone, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Feeling “in love” occurs when two people who are attracted to each other also feel safe enough to let each other in on their authentic feelings—to be vulnerable. Passionate love requires not only chemistry but also that both parties feel seen, heard, valued, and appreciated.

So, why does that feeling fade?

Fear takes over.

Fear of rejection or engulfment—of losing the other or losing yourself. We all enter relationships with some fears. The key to staying in love is learning to deal with these fears healthily and productively.

If you’ve learned to protect yourselves against these fears like most of us, rather than face them head-on, you’ll begin to act out in ways that undermine the relationship. You’ll no longer feel safe and connected when each of you is protecting yourself with controlling behavior.

Examples of this include the following:

– Getting angry, critical, judgmental; blaming, shaming, demanding, attacking, defending, explaining

– Shutting down, withdrawing, withholding, resisting, lying

– Becoming needy or self-victimizing

– Acting out addictively with substances like food, alcohol, drugs, or activities like work, TV, computer, shopping, spending, video games, sex, porn, cheating, and so on

When you each react to your fears by closing your heart and turning to any of these controlling behaviors, then neither of you can feel seen, heard, valued, or appreciated. “In love” feelings can’t survive these behaviors. Even people who are very physically attracted to each other find their affection waning under these circumstances.

So, how do you fall in love again?

Even if you feel that all the love is gone, if you were in love with each other once, you can get it back. But not without doing your own inner work to heal your fears. You have to address your internal issues rather than try to avoid them with controlling behavior.

Before you can fall in love with your partner again, you need to fall in love with yourself. This means learning to see, hear, value, and appreciate yourself—giving yourself the kind of love you want from your partner.

Learning to love yourself is how you heal your fears.

When you see, hear, value, and appreciate yourself, you no longer fear rejection. While none of us likes rejection, we stop fearing it when we love ourselves. We no longer take it personally. We no longer believe that someone else’s rejection or acceptance is the most accurate indicator of our value.

When rejection stops being the ultimate fear, you cease to be vulnerable to self-denying insecurity and engulfment.

When you love yourself, you learn to fill your heart with love to share with your partner. Only when you truly value your own essence—who you really are—can you see and value the essence of your partner.

Even if just one of you embarks on the journey of self-love, it may be enough to heal the relationship. If one person moves out of controlling protective behavior and into loving themselves and their partner, it may turn a dysfunctional relationship system into a loving, productive one.

Rather than considering separation or divorce when you fall out of love, why not first try learning to love yourself? It’s the only way to experience true, lasting love with a partner. The sooner you start, the better.


Written by Margaret Paul, PhD
For information or to schedule a phone or Skype session: 310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND) http://www.innerbonding.com

You may also like

8 Reasons Why People Fall Out Of Love And How To Avoid Them

How To Fall Out Of Love With A Guy …Using Classical Conditioning

If You Don’t Feel These 12 Things with Your Partner, It Isn’t Real True Love

10 Behaviors You Should Avoid To Save Your Relationship

Marriage Advice I wish I would have had – after losing someone I loved.

15 Things You Should Give up to Make Your Marriage Work

Be With Someone Who Does These 13 Things For You

Why We Fall Out Of Love (And How To Stop The Cycle)

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term “trophy wife”. But have you heard about a “trophy husband”? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of “trophy wife”. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

Am I In Love Or Just Experiencing Limerence? 5 Signs To Look For

Limerence vs Love? Signs That Differ From True Love

Are you head over heels for somebody or have you plummeted into limerence? Learn the distinction between limerence vs love to make sure that your romantic bond doesn’t turn into a serious addiction.

Limerence is a psychological state that can leave you feeling exhilarated but confused. This state isn’t just another word for love. It has unique properties that differ limerence vs love.

What is limerence vs love?

In simpler words, limerence in a relationship when someone is madly in love with another person. So much so that it affects their mindset and they can’t think of anything else but him/her.

It might not seem too different from love.



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldn’t have progressed if they hadn’t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once life’s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we don’t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Are You Hesitant To Commit? 6 Warning Signs Of Lack Of Commitment In A Relationship And How To Navigate Them

Signs of Lack of Commitment in a Relationship: Red Flags

Do you always find yourself in short-term, casual relationships? Does the idea of committing in a relationship make you nervous? Are you showing signs of lack of commitment in a relationship?

Commitment issues can be a significant barrier to building a healthy and fulfilling partnership, affecting both individuals involved. Today, let us explore what are commitment issues, the signs that may indicate their presence, the underlying causes of commitment issues, and effective strategies to overcome them.

By understanding these factors, you can empower yourself to navigate the complexities of relationships with greater confidence and clarity.

Are You Afraid of Commitment?