I’ve been there. I dated nice guys, and then wondered why it felt like I was dating a cardboard cut out. When these guys eventually, inevitably showed me who they really were, it was with resentment: they had held back, denied themselves, and all to please me. It hurt them, and they blamed me for that hurt. It’s hard to come back from that in a relationship.
What women—evolved, mature, powerful women—actually need is a man who embodies the divinity of manhood. This may sound mystical, but it’s not. Every man is sacred, can touch the sacred masculine within him, can be a man who stands in compassion, loyalty, and honor, who cares enough to realize that only his true, unfiltered presence is good enough for this world.
A man with a powerful heart, who can hold a woman in his presence, who can weather her emotional storms, who is nourished by being near her and sees her divinity and gives endlessly of himself.
That may seem like nice, and it’s true that they have a lot in common. But it’s different from nice in two critical ways. First, Nice is pretending. Nice is prefabricated, sterile, and not from the heart. If you’re acting from the heart, then congratulations—you’re much more than just nice. Most men who are motivated to be kind and caring are much more than Nice.
The second part has to do with masculine energy. Yang, Mars, active, hot; cultures around the world have used many different words to describe that certain masculine something which is definitely not nice … and definitely something straight women crave. I’m talking about physicality, competition, lust. A demanding, sensual, immediate, winner-takes-all, intense … oh my. I’m getting turned on just writing about it.
Embodying that energy may seem like being a jerk. In the ‘bad boy’ archetype, where that energy isn’t tempered by the loyalty and compassion that’s also integral to the sacred masculine, it does play out as guys being a**holes. Women go for bad boys because at least they know a bad boy can ravish them.
But these two halves of masculinity are compatible. They can meet and make a whole, when a genuine, caring man also owns his lust, his insatiable, raw, unapologetic fire and desire. That is what women need, what we find irresistible, what we daren’t dream of in our wildest darkest hour of yearning … but dream of anyways.
It’s so much more than nice. It’s like a gourmet feast, and nice is just the appetizer, meant to whet our appetites and hint at the glorious, terrifying, powerful man who’s taking the time to be nice to us.
Some women genuinely seek out jerks. Some men do this, too. That’s because they’re playing out childhood trauma, acting out past hurts and confusions to try to make sense of them. It’s not because all women want, need or love jerks.
We want guys who are nice. But we need them to be more than that. We need men who aren’t afraid to stand in their power with us. Who are brave enough to cast off the trappings of nice, be authentic, be imperfect, have needs, and share those needs with us. Men who are brave enough to stop hiding behind nice, and show us who they really are.