Additionally, values are contextual. Joe was of high value in his job, but he considered himself low value in the dating market. The irony is his low value in the dating market and desire to gain approval lead him to lose his high value in the career he loves, just over a woman’s physical appearance. If you revisit my post, you’ll see that Joe values physical attraction more than emotional happiness in a relationship.
Joe made his bed, and now he is the only one to blame for losing his career. Not only is he jobless, but he also is left with a Prince Albert piercing and a stupid tattoo. Every time he looks in the mirror, he can’t believe how much he did for this woman’s approval. What a Prince!
I’ve been guilty of this as well. The way to get over these value issues is to build one’s self-esteem. Not by focusing on a woman, but rather focusing on expanding one’s identity, exploring new passions, and cultivating meaningful relationships that provide one with a sense of value. I’ve spent two years working on my perceived value, and as a result, I feel strong in who I am. Now, I will stick up for myself when my boundaries, values, and needs are not met.
The irony of Joe’s whole situation is that Sami was attracted to Joe before he changed himself. She found value in his identity and his passions, but once he started to change himself to be more like her, she found him less valuable and began to treat him like crap. Value systems are largely unconscious, but they are always visible through one’s actions.
The goal of life should be to find someone who you find valuable and vice-versa. This type of relationship will reinforce your own perceived value and make you feel significant and happy.
What are some activities that you do for yourself? Do you love writing? Playing sports? Do you make the time in your life for you to do these things, or do you drop things you love to get love? The latter is toxic and delays the inevitable.
Giving attention to her all the time will soon make you look boring. Making her the center of your universe will make her feel you don’t have much going on in your life and she will end up taking you for granted. The more you will try to seek validation from her, the more you will repel her, appear needy, and lower your self-esteem.
Women want a man who is set on a mission. A man who wants to achieve something in life yet manages time to show her how much he loves her. Your purpose in life, your confidence, and your sense of self-worth make you attractive to women. Not only she will love and admire you, she will respect you as well.
Strong self-esteem and boundaries create a greater sense of value, and they enable you to get the love you deserve.
- This is a fake name to protect the identity of the person I dated. ↩
- A halo effect is a cognitive bias in which our overall impression of a person influences our feelings and thoughts about that person’s character. If we perceive them as being attractive, the halo effect causes us to believe them as being a good person too, overlooking or creating excuses for their odd behavior. Also known as the “What is beautiful is good” principle. ↩
If you want to transform conflict into material to build a stronger and more connected relationship then read Kyle Benson’s conflict blueprints here.