Why I Haven’t Looked At Myself In A Mirror For Months

Why I Haven't Looked At Myself In A Mirror For Months

I told him how I was drowning in debt from the medical expenses not covered by my insurance for the pregnancy, miscarriage, and funeral.

I filled my therapy session with the story of how this man’s silence was justified and how this man didn’t have to help me financially with the child.  I was fucked up, I told the therapist.  The man had told me all this.  He had called me out on all my horrible personality traits and he was right.  I shared how it was only my fault for getting pregnant and how terrible I had made this man feel while we were dating.

I begged the therapist to help me change all these wicked things about myself.  I needed to be fixed for my own good, I cried.

Being Diagnosed with NAS and Learning the Effects

My therapist patiently listened, offering me tissue after tissue for the uncontrollable tears.  And when I was done, he asked the strangest question.  He asked, has anyone ever made you feel this way about yourself before this man.

When he asked me this, I remember feeling like my lungs would never work again.  My heart was pounding and my vision began to blur.  I tried to answer the question, but my voice had suddenly gone away from me.

The next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor of the therapist’s office with nurses calling my name over and over.  I had fainted.  His question had caused such panic that I had passed out without any warning.

When I came back to my senses, I was diagnosed with PTSD (again), Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Agoraphobia.

Getting Help for The Effects of Narcissistic Abuse

After the incident, my therapist and I began a deep regime of healing from Narcissistic Abuse. I discovered that the reason I was feeling the way I did as a kid was due to unconsciously remembering how family members, who were and still are narcissists, used to make me feel when I was growing up.

I learned how this man had triggered abandonment issues I didn’t even know I had. More importantly, I learned that this man was, in fact, a narcissist as well.

Pissing Away All That Help

Guess what I did with all that valuable therapy. I pissed it away and went back to sleeping with this narcissistic man in 2018. I continued to be involved with him until he broke me for good in April 2019.

During the time we were involved, I learned the narcissistic man had a 5-year-old child that he never told me about. Which, if you’ve done the math, means this was all going on while I was pregnant.

He told me how he never considered us a “couple” back then. He had even been sleeping with the mother of his child the entire time.  He would make this woman get a babysitter for their child and he would go have sex with her without ever having to see or be a part of the child’s life.  He didn’t get involved with that child until it was three years old.

I was in shock. But of course, when I tried to express how unbearable all of it made me feel, I was shut down and told: “it isn’t always about you.”

WTF??  This narcissistic man went as far as to say, “I will never want to see our child’s grave.  I don’t want to see a picture and I don’t want to hear about it.”

He stopped speaking to me shortly thereafter without any explanation. He takes the silent treatment very seriously by blocking me from calling or texting and from all his social media accounts.

The Effect of Narcissistic Abuse I Haven’t Been Able to Cure

Since then, I haven’t been able to look at myself in a mirror. I avoid windows or glass doors that might show my reflection. I won’t even look at my own shadow if I can avoid it.

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