Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?

When we go into that cycle of abuse. One minute we get the rush of their adoring side, the next the pain of them pushing us away.

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Like a drug dealer, they meter out doses of love and then abuse to us. When they take it away, the pain we feel is so great. This is because it taps into our deepest childhood fears. That fear of abandonment comes rushing to the fore.

We need them to soothe that inner child with love. We need them to tell us we are good enough, we are loveable. So, we become ever needier on them. The one who has hurt us to heal our pain.

What makes this cycle even more dysfunctional, is that they are the same as us. Although they are the inflated ego, to our lack of self-esteem. They also have an inner void of shame.

They too fear abandonment. Why when they start to reveal their vulnerable side to us, they push us away. Just as we think the relationship will work and we’ll find happiness again, they sabotage it. Self-destruct any happiness. Trying to end it, before we abandon them. Gaining control over us to put those fears at bay.

We can see this vulnerability beneath the arrogant, abusive exterior. This is what makes us feel the need to rescue them.

They need us to fix them. And by finding someone we feel is more vulnerable than we are, we’re also putting a Band-Aid over our own inner turmoil.

We are attracted to these types as we are subliminally recreating feelings and patterns that are familiar to us from childhood.

To conquer them. While we put all our focus on their pains, their needs, we can avoid facing our own. If they need us, they won’t abandon us. So, our childhood fears at kept at bay. We’re in control of them.

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Facing shame and winning can liberate you.

This is what pulls us back towards them. Why we feel sorry for them. When we see them in their vulnerable state, remorseful after abusing us.

When we feel guilty after leaving them and they are down and out. When she was winning in court and he was down, as that woman recently said to me. It’s just pressing those childhood buttons. That need to be needed, to hide our inner pain.

Those of us, known as Empaths attract Narcissists who lack empathy. We fit in a destructive way.

The only way to break that power a Narcissist has over us is to fill that void of shame with self-love. To see the cycle for what it is and understand this has nothing to do with love, but control.


How do you stop feeling sorry for them?

That’s a more difficult one. Narcissists manipulate us to feeling this way so they can continue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

They press those buttons of fear we have, so that we accept the blame.

By doing so, we convince ourselves there is hope to change them. If I do this or that, then things will be okay.

But that is false hope. Only they can change themselves. Nothing we say or do can affect that. Especially when we’re dealing with someone who convinces themselves they’re the victim.

We must learn to let go. Recognize what those feelings are that they are stirring in us so intensely. Take our focus off trying to rescue and fix them. Heal our inner wounded child instead.

Once we do this, time eventually heals. The power they have over us dilutes in its strength. As my friend once said, it’s like a plant. Stop watering it and eventually it withers away. We start to feel less sorry for them, more ‘they’re not my problem anymore!’ Those buttons can no longer be pressed.

If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here  .

Originally appeared on Unbeatable.com
Written by Vivian Mc Grath
Printed with permission from author


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Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?

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Vivian McGrathhttps://www.vivianmcgrath.com/
Vivian McGrath is a TV Exec Producer making documentaries for US/UK and Australian television networks. She’s a survivor of domestic violence, motivational speaker and empowerment coach. It’s her mission to help women recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with themselves and never settle for anything less than they deserve again! Watch her free Masterclass here: https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN
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