Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?

 March 08, 2018

Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?

When they love-bomb us at the start. When they pour out their love for us after abusing us, we’re grateful for it. It fills that void. It makes the emptiness go away.

That hole inside us was dug out in childhood. Somehow our emotional needs weren’t fully met, so we don’t feel good enough. We also fear abandonment. How ironic that we then pick someone without the capacity to fulfill those needs. Who abandons us emotionally.

When we go into that cycle of abuse. One minute we get the rush of their adoring side, the next the pain of them pushing us away.

Like a drug dealer, they meter out doses of love and then abuse to us. When they take it away, the pain we feel is so great. This is because it taps into our deepest childhood fears. That fear of abandonment comes rushing to the fore.

We need them to soothe that inner child with love. We need them to tell us we are good enough, we are loveable. So, we become ever needier on them. The one who has hurt us to heal our pain.

What makes this cycle even more dysfunctional, is that they are the same as us. Although they are the inflated ego, to our lack of self-esteem. They also have an inner void of shame.

They too fear abandonment. Why when they start to reveal their vulnerable side to us, they push us away. Just as we think the relationship will work and we’ll find happiness again, they sabotage it. Self-destruct any happiness. Trying to end it, before we abandon them. Gaining control over us to put those fears at bay.

We can see this vulnerability beneath the arrogant, abusive exterior. This is what makes us feel the need to rescue them.

They need us to fix them. And by finding someone we feel is more vulnerable than we are, we’re also putting a Band-Aid over our own inner turmoil.

We are attracted to these types as we are subliminally recreating feelings and patterns that are familiar to us from childhood.

To conquer them. While we put all our focus on their pains, their needs, we can avoid facing our own. If they need us, they won’t abandon us. So, our childhood fears at kept at bay. We’re in control of them.

Facing shame and winning can liberate you.

This is what pulls us back towards them. Why we feel sorry for them. When we see them in their vulnerable state, remorseful after abusing us. When we feel guilty after leaving them and they are down and out. When she was winning in court and he was down, as that woman recently said to me. It’s just pressing those childhood buttons. That need to be needed, to hide our inner pain.

Those of us, known as Empaths attract Narcissists who lack empathy. We fit in a destructive way.

The only way to break that power a Narcissist has over us is to fill that void of shame with self-love. To see the cycle for what it is and understand this has nothing to do with love, but control.

How do you stop feeling sorry for them?

That’s a more difficult one. Narcissists manipulate us to feeling this way so they can continue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

One comment on “Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?

  1. It seems quite jarring to read an article about why an abused person (in this article…women) feel for their abuser and see ads from “BE IRRESISTIBLE” peppered all over the page with the message about “The biggest mistake women make that kill’s a man’s attraction”. Really? You couldn’t find a better ad pairing than this?

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