When I realized, I deserved so much better

When I realized, I deserved so much better

I GUESS THE MOMENT WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED WAS WHEN I REALIZED I DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER.

As is said,  “We accept the love we think we deserve.”― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

54 thoughts on “When I realized, I deserved so much better”

  1. It's depending what circumstances changing, if changing is not necessarily necessary please don't change anything,sometimes some changes bring comparison and new problems start.

    1. Blaming God for not answering the prayer you expect to be answered a specific way is like blaming a map for the road construction detour that it didnt include. You'll still get to your destination, it might take a bit longer.

    2. I blame God for answering a prayer of "help me, I can't cope" by making things even worse. I was having trouble handling all my responsibilities at work and at home, and instead of getting me some help, God sent me a major health problem — now it wasn't just difficult to do everything, it was impossible to do any of it. I was in bed for weeks, and no one gave me any help with the chores.
      Plus I was threatened with losing my job — is it supposed to be a blessing in disguise that you don't have to worry about cleaning your house any more because you're homeless and living under a bridge?
      I've had all my destinations blocked with insurmountable roadblocks. Tried everything possible to get over/under/around/through and nothing worked.
      Sorry, but ruining my life with nothing good to offset it is NOT something that I worship people for. I put responsibility where it is due when someone fills my life with garbage.

  2. As much as I feel hurt, angry, and frustrated when people ask or make statements that I consider "not understanding me", I feel grateful as well because each time I have to answer, I get better at explaining and helping others to understand and even better at understanding things myself.

    I have to keep reminding myself that it has taken me years to understand it all, so why would I expect anyone else to understand it, if they haven't been through it and even if they have : (

  3. I have been divorced since 2008 and my ex does anything he can to get to me. He says that he wants us to be married until we die of old age.

    My oldest daughter became like him in terms of abuse, but, unlike him, hasn't spoken to me in 3 years. I fear her if she ever has contact with me when I'm sick and/or old.

    My ex does anything he can to get attention, contact, conversation, or sex from me, by going through my youngest daughter. It's extremely stressful for us and we are always having to be "on guard" as to what we say and do.

    Nonetheless, he has everyone fooled with his charm and money that he's such a great guy. Two of my family members "disowned me" because they believed that I dumped this "great guy" that was such a constant in our family even though we live 12 hours drive away.

    He has this way of (now trying) luring you in at times when you are weak (which is many times due to the devastated life you are left with) with promises of such a great relationships and such a great future together.

    But, traps you like caging an animal, feeding and caring for you, all the while you realized you were deceived, are trapped, and wish you were dead.

    Everyone else thinks he's "god" because they haven't lived with him in years, thinks he's changed or are deceived and/or confused by how charming and helpful he is.

    So, I am left having to always feel "crazy" or frustrated that others don't get it, and am constantly trying to keep them from saying anything that would give him access to me.

    It's been happening recently and once in his invisible "claws", it's hard to get him away again.

    It's taken me 30 years to be able to figure all this out and to be at a point where I can explain it.

  4. When I first started trying, at the beginning, IF they ever took the abuser to the station, they would always send them right back, either having evidence or not. That only sets the abuser off to take revenge.

    The person who abused me and many abusers are often experts at being able to abuse you physically or otherwise, and very painfully, without leaving a trace. Evidence is key and if you have little or none or the abuse has been done so skillfully that it can be skillfully explained away, then, there's no hope.

    If an abuser is arrested, which mine never was, in the 23 years of marriage, because he was able to fool or scare cops, having tied up all the accounts and destroyed your education and possible career, you have no money and no way to make money once he's gone.

    And do you think that they stop all this shit once they get a piece of paper. Protective orders, which I was unable to get, are shown to only aggravate and challenge them. However, they are needed for legality reasons.

    When my then husband/now ex got warnings from the district attorney, he called me from work from an unrecognizable number, told me that he ripped it up, that it was a formality, and asked me how I was doing and did I want to chat?

    When I got divorced in 2008, do you think that that piece of paper mattered? The cops treated him like he was my boyfriend and called him my boyfriend when I was the one who had called the cops and had said that he was my ex and that I was being coerced and forced to go out with him and have sex with him.

    He used the kids well being and child support to twist my arm to do these things.

    For years, with him being from a foreign country, I had to worry that he'd take my kids to his country on the other side of the globe. Then, George W. Bush changed the law.

    With all due respect, assuming that all the abused choose and stay with their abuser because of their weaknesses often feels like that we are all viewed as stupid. Even with their weaknesses, they were vulnerable to these abusers in the first place, not stupid.

    The prey of these abusers are the vulnerable: young people, people abused in their past, depressed people, people who don't have family, the disabled, etc.

    My ex, unbeknownst to me when I met him, was born identical to those soldiers in North Korea who march with their legs straight out and march with a blank face under a dictatorship like that. He was one of them in a different country.

  5. Apts required 3x the rent income to even qualify even if you agreed to pay your rent as priority.

    Also, he had locked up all the money and often wouldn't even give us grocery money when he got his check.

  6. With all due respect, why is it so hard for ppl to understand that I never chose nor accepted a "bad guy"?

    I chose the "good guy" that he presented and tried to leave throughout the whole marriage.

    I left with a plan and without almost nothing to my name,

    with a plan and almost everything to my name,

    without a plan and nothing,

    without a plan and everything,

    to a well know "reputable"women's abuse shelter that wad more like a women's prison bc women fugitives from the law hid there and one of the sons of the women attempted to rape my daughter.

    There they made it appear as though you could get housing, free legal and job help, clothes, etc. It wasn't true at all their many locations.

    I couldn't go home bc my childhood family home was no better.

    If you divorce your abuser, your child(ren) still has to visit the abuser that you fled from and unsupervised.

    Are you gonna say I shouldn't have had children? I was raped by him.

    Law enforcement said I'd have to be in intensive care before they could do anything bc of the laws and bc they had to cover their own ass, as they put it.

    I filed reports and tried to press charges and get protective orders for years.

    He never even got arrested once.

    Even my divorce attorney didn't provide temporary orders to make him live elsewhere, during the 10 months it took to divorce.

    He destroyed any attempt for me to get an education and destroyed my jobs.

    I would have had to live in a dangerous neighborhood and worked 2-3 jobs, leaving the kids unsupervised and without anyone to "have their back" (protect and support them).

  7. Judith Gerasimchuk Ross Tish Kelly Park I really agree to this, that we pages, mostly post it as our issue than the abusers issue. May be cause we tend to relate to our kinda people more. When I read your comment, It came to my mind too. I really didn't want to post anything to that abuser. Reason ? I don't know. Maybe I have a hopelessness towards them. That they will ever change. Having tried that in personal situations, maybe I have given up, on changing others. But the Self

    1. When I first started trying, at the beginning, IF they ever took the abuser to the station, they would always send them right back, either having evidence or not. That only sets the abuser off to take revenge.

      The person who abused me and many abusers are often experts at being able to abuse you physically or otherwise, and very painfully, without leaving a trace. Evidence is key and if you have little or none or the abuse has been done so skillfully that it can be skillfully explained away, then, there’s no hope.

      If an abuser is arrested, which mine never was, in the 23 years of marriage, because he was able to fool or scare cops, having tied up all the accounts and destroyed your education and possible career, you have no money and no way to make money once he’s gone.

      And do you think that they stop all this shit once they get a piece of paper. Protective orders, which I was unable to get, are shown to only aggravate and challenge them. However, they are needed for legality reasons.

      When my then husband/now ex got warnings from the district attorney, he called me from work from an unrecognizable number, told me that he ripped it up, that it was a formality, and asked me how I was doing and did I want to chat?

      When I got divorced in 2008, do you think that that piece of paper mattered? The cops treated him like he was my boyfriend and called him my boyfriend when I was the one who had called the cops and had said that he was my ex and that I was being coerced and forced to go out with him and have sex with him.

      He used the kids well being and child support to twist my arm to do these things.

      For years, with him being from a foreign country, I had to worry that he’d take my kids to his country on the other side of the globe. Then, George W. Bush changed the law.

      With all due respect, assuming that all the abused choose and stay with their abuser because of their weaknesses often feels like that we are all viewed as stupid. Even with their weaknesses, they were vulnerable to these abusers in the first place, not stupid.

      The prey of these abusers are the vulnerable: young people, people abused in their past, depressed people, people who don’t have family, the disabled, etc.

      My ex, unbeknownst to me when I met him, was born identical to those soldiers in North Korea who march with their legs straight out and march with a blank face under a dictatorship like that. He was one of them in a different country.

    2. I have been divorced since 2008 and my ex does anything he can to get to me. He says that he wants us to be married until we die of old age.

      My oldest daughter became like him in terms of abuse, but, unlike him, hasn’t spoken to me in 3 years. I fear her if she ever has contact with me when I’m sick and/or old.

      My ex does anything he can to get attention, contact, conversation, or sex from me, by going through my youngest daughter. It’s extremely stressful for us and we are always having to be “on guard” as to what we say and do.

      Nonetheless, he has everyone fooled with his charm and money that he’s such a great guy. Two of my family members “disowned me” because they believed that I dumped this “great guy” that was such a constant in our family even though we live 12 hours drive away.

      He has this way of (now trying) luring you in at times when you are weak (which is many times due to the devastated life you are left with) with promises of such a great relationships and such a great future together.

      But, traps you like caging an animal, feeding and caring for you, all the while you realized you were deceived, are trapped, and wish you were dead.

      Everyone else thinks he’s “god” because they haven’t lived with him in years, thinks he’s changed or are deceived and/or confused by how charming and helpful he is.

      So, I am left having to always feel “crazy” or frustrated that others don’t get it, and am constantly trying to keep them from saying anything that would give him access to me.

      It’s been happening recently and once in his invisible “claws”, it’s hard to get him away again.

      It’s taken me 30 years to be able to figure all this out and to be at a point where I can explain it.

  8. A very good analysis,,,"We accept the love we think we deserve",,but many times we thought we were getting so much more than we really actually got,,I never expected to get what I got,,,and them the mind play comes in,,,"It was meant to be"well what does this mean?,,,so many questions about this,,,are our lives mapped out already?I just don't know,,,,I look back and tell myself I could not have done anything different/cause I just didn't know,,,,we just have to go on and make our lives the best we can,,,forward,positive,happy and fulfilling,,,

  9. As we age we mature,,at least normal people do,,,it's natural to look back and see what we did wrong but we must not look back,,only forward,,,with the knowledge and wisdoms to help others.the wicked I think will stay wicked,,it's in their Dna I think,,,they never change,,,

  10. I thought it has to do with our self esteem,our worth,but that may play into that later,,after we are in a relationship,,,Yes our being naive did hurt us,,,because we could have maybe seen or known,,,but no excuse for them to be terrible human beings or treat women badly,,,it ultimately is their fault because they should not be cruel or treat others badly,,,they are the ones that are wrong,,,maybe grew up that way,,,they are the ones,,that are not normal,,,Society is still behind in these issues,,whether in the home,,,or workplace!

  11. I married a monster,,,,,I know that now,,,,I warn others to take it slow and "see"what they are getting into,,,I think low self esteem is the blame,,,there will always be "traps"We as women must know our worth from the beginning!!!,,,Self worth should be taught from the first years of life,,,

  12. Still, I think that, it's being viewed as "our issue" for being naive, instead of their issue for being "bad". It's very rare on posts about abuse, for the abuser to be called out more than the abused.

    It's only on narcissism and socio/psychopath pages that the abuser is talked about or psychology pages.

  13. I already knew I deserved better. He just presented himself as a great guy when really he was a monster.

    Quite frankly, I'm so exhausted and deflated from all the focus and blame being on the "victim" and almost none on the "bad boys" who trick people into thinking that they are good.

    Getting beyond people's misconceptions makes getting out so much harder, though I know that sometimes, it does involve both being dysfunctional.

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