Reparenting is our personal responsibility. Anyone can begin the process of reparenting themselves. It takes time, commitment, and patience. There is no quick fix. It will require you to show up every day. But it will allow you to heal and forgive.
The 4 Pillars of reparenting are:
Discipline, Joy, Emotional Regulation, and Self-care.
I go more in-depth on these in a video you can watch here: [LINK]
Depending on your unique childhood experience, some of these will be more difficult than others. For me, discipline was the most difficult part. My mind had a tantrum. My childhood-self rebelled. There was no part of me that wanted to wake up early, go to the gym, or really do anything “planned.” It was a process of grieving for my past self as well as self-compassion to allow me to view discipline in another way.
Another major struggle for me was finding joy. Joy is an emotional experience. It’s the product of spontaneity, play, creativity, and pure presence. It’s not something that I experienced within the home.
Part of discovering joy in learning your own unique passions and interests. This is something I had to spend time connecting to. I had to relearn “me.”
Years into the reparenting process I can say that I am truly a different person.
It’s brought me so much more confidence, empathy, and creative energy.
Want to know more about reparenting? Read 8 Ways Reparenting Yourself Can Help Heal Your Inner Child
Here are 5 Steps to Begin:
Yes, this is a step. It’s easy to become overwhelmed. Reparenting is a process. It’s not something that happens overnight. It’s not something that happens over a couple of months. If you try to do too much of this work at once, you’ll become overwhelmed and fall back into old patterns. Follow the steps, do not try to do too much at once.
2. Keep one small promise to yourself every day:
This step should be so small that it’s seemingly insignificant. You need to choose something that sets you into a situation where you’ll succeed. For example, my first promise to myself was to wake up early. I knew with my schedule I could do this every single day. If you have a schedule that doesn’t allow for this, this is not a good choice for you.
If you don’t go to the gym every day now, do not promise you’ll go to the gym every day. Some good examples are: meditate for 2 minutes, go for a 5-minute walk around the block each morning, cook one meal at home every day, future self journal each night before bed. Time is important here: do not choose any promise that takes more than 10 minutes in total.
3. Tell someone you trust (other than your parents) that you’re beginning the process:
Do not share that you’re doing this with your parents. It’s not necessary and can be hurtful to them. Remember, they did the best they could with their level of awareness and will likely become defensive if you talk about this.
Reparenting is for you. When I began the process, I shared it with my partner and we worked to do this together. If you have a partner or a close friend, let them know you’re working on this. Support will be helpful.
4. Use this Mantra:
“What can I give myself right now?” This is a mantra I use often. As children, we weren’t always given what we needed. As adults, we have an opportunity to give what we need to ourselves. When you feel yourself having strong emotions, ask this question.
Sometimes the answer for me is a bubble bath. Other times it’s to disconnect with social media, or a need to get into the sun for 15 minutes. It’s ok if when you begin asking this question you feel confused or like there is no answer. Just continue asking. It’s a practice of connecting with intuition. If you stay committed, you’ll begin to get answers.