The first thing, that Iโd like to write about this, is that itโs pretty tough to live with this kind of trauma. Because you just feel inside you a turbulent sea that waits for you to drown in it when youโll feel worthless and it will devour you in a few seconds. Iโm not saying that this is the hardest type of trauma to overcome. Iโm just saying that, unlike a wound or a scar on your skin, itโs not visible, but it hurts more.
The hardest is to deal with it daily. Because you know your past, you know the typical โโIโm not going to leave youโโ, and the consequences. You know that those who said this left the first. Youโre just staring into nowhere, feeling down and you feel the soulโs silent wailing, you feel like there is a river of tears inside you, but none in your eyes. And then, you just burst into crying, and cover your mouth with your hands, because the pain is just too tough to overcome.
Iโm sorry if you ever had to do this because you didnโt want to be a burden for someone, because you didnโt find someone whoโd genuinely listen to you and would not judge you, or because of their hypocrisy. I just wanted to assure you that you are not alone. I am dealing with it too. And every day is a battle for me. Because I still need to prove to myself that there will be persons who would stay.
Another hard part was that someone who had left me, suddenly returned. You know this feeling, when you carefully bandage your wounds, take care of them, and learn to live again? And then the person who damages you returns and youโre just staring at him/her thinking how much pain he or she has done to you. This is the very moment to know if youโre genuinely healed or not, because at that moment the bandages just crack and the bleeding is unavoidable(if you havenโt healed it). Whatโs worse is that if you havenโt healed it, youโll experience the same pain again and again, which is really unfair.
I never knew why I needed a lot of reassurance, why I felt so unworthy of love, why I was picking unavailable partners, why I had so much insecurities, why I was struggling with anxiety, but when I realised that deep within I have a deep scar of abandonment trauma, it all made sense. Moreover, being an HSP (highly sensitive person), makes it worse.
I just want people to realize that Iโm really sensitive, and when I say something, I really do mean it. I just donโt find enough power in myself to lie, to fight, to prove my point, I want to be understood from the first attempt.
I know that itโs said that you can heal all your wounds alone. Because emotionally unstable persons attract emotionally unstable persons. The reality is that Iโve struggled so much with it and I am tired. I am tired to wake up every day with the thought that I am not good enough. Iโm tired to be said that itโs not a big deal and Iโll manage it. Iโm tired to cry before I fall asleep because of the thought that everything Iโve done till now is in vain. Iโm tired to think that one day Iโll be loved the way I deserve.
But all that Iโve wanted at the end of the day, was someone whoโll understand my fears and will not feed them, will not judge me and Iโll be able to count on him. Iโve received a lot of lessons and miserable minutes of happiness that cost me a lot of sleepless nights and pain. It is just unfair. If you are a person who struggles with the same issue, know that you have all my love. Youโre brave for not giving up. And if youโre not the one struggling with it, know that itโs not a thing to make fun of. Itโs a childhood scar that aches. Much.
And now, what Iโve learnt while dealing daily with abandonment trauma. I was smiling when my soul was dying, and in a crowd, I was just finding myself on an isolated island and deep within I was screaming but there was no one. I have learnt that everything I have is now. Tomorrow that person maybe wonโt be with me anymore, so I have learnt that I canโt take a person for granted. The only heritage that remains from someone who leaves are the memories, and carrying them wherever you go becomes really tough sometimes.
Fearing abandonment is like fearing death. One day it will happen, but youโre living with the anxiety that it will happen whenever. Somehow you realize that the fears are groundless, but you canโt find in yourself enough strength to fight them. And when someone stays youโre just surprised.
In the end, everything a person struggling with abandonment trauma wants, is to be assured once and for all that she is enough, she is loved and will not be abandoned. If youโll fall in love with a person with abandonment trauma, donโt leave her at her worst, be with her and help her raise up from the ashes. You think sheโll use you as an emotional bandage, but itโs not true. Youโll give her the needed strength to be herself again.
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