We may even feel that abuse is their way of expressing the passion they feel for us. Why would anyone behave so obsessively if they didn’t love me? We feel scared that if we don’t let them vent their anger, they will leave us and find someone else to be with, to express themselves.
This is why we rationalize and endure abuse.
Yes, there are many ways we rationalize abuse inside our minds. But there are many reasons for it too. Here’s why.
- Abuse results in distorted thoughts. If you believe you triggered him or you deserved it or that its not as bad as it sounds, then you are simply not thinking right. Abuse is traumatizing and can make you confused, doubt yourself, feel guilt, despair and self-blame.
- We all feel a social pressure to build a perfect relationship, especially in this age of social networking. Social norms forces us to cultivate a ride-or-die mentality where we feel the need to stick to it till the end. So we may not even realize we are in an abusive relationship.
- Abuse destroys our self-esteem. With a damaged self-worth we feel that we are worthless and feel a strong sense of guilt. Thus making it harder to leave and start fresh.
- After the abuse comes the make up phase. Once the violence has stopped and the screams have died down, the abuser makes you feel special again by apologizing and doing something nice. The promise of a better future leads to false hopes in our hearts.
- We don’t want to be left alone. As your abusive partner will often isolate your from your family and friends, you feel lonely and afraid. It feels as if we lose them, no one will ever love us again.
- Life can be complicated. When you are in an abusive marriage or have children together and share finances, it might not be as easy to leave, even though you want to.
- We believe that things can change. Love can tame the wildest beast. May be. But not an abusive narcissist. Believing that our partner will change sooner or later if we stick with them can make us tolerate the worst abuse one more day.
Stop living in denial.
By denying the truth and downplaying the impact of the abuse and trauma we try to survive a bitter, toxic and even a dangerous relationship. When you start blaming your own self for your partner’s behavior, you know you are in hostile territory. STOP! You don’t have to tolerate this. You don’t have be in love with them anymore.
Stop living a lie. Accept the truth no matter how much it hurts.
Do NOT rationalize abuse. It’s NOT your fault. You couldn’t have done things better. What you are going through is simply a response to surviving serious emotional and psychological trauma.
Here are ways we rationalize abuse and justify the abusive behavior of our partner.
1. You believe you are not perfect
First of all, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved and respected. There are plenty of people out there who are far from perfect yet they are in a loving and happy relationship. When you love and respect your partner, there is no reason in the world that can justify emotional, verbal or physical abuse in any way, despite how much you are flawed.
Your abuser will try their best to make you believe that it’s all your fault. That you provoked them. That you always keep doing the same mistake. This is a strategy to make you feel insecure and weak. Don’t believe it.
We are not designed to be perfect. We are designed to be humane.
If your partner can’t accept the way you are, then it’s not your fault.
2. They are just stressed and frustrated
Yeah well, so is everybody else. You don’t let every person you know abuse you. Do you? Okay. Consider this. Do you lash out at your partner every single time you are stressed? Does your partner abuse their coworkers, friends or strangers when they are frustrated. Do they risk losing their reputation by displaying their uncontrollable anger in public? NO.