Ways We Rationalize Abuse and Blame Ourselves Instead

Ways You Rationalize Abuse and Blame Yourself Instead

Attachment is an addiction, not attraction.

Wanting to be in a relationship with a person who is clearly toxic and dangerous for your well-being is not love or attraction. It is simply co-dependency and love addiction.{3} Both of which are unhealthy for your emotional and mental state. We start feeling a certain high when we are with our partners. It’s like a drug. Deep inside we believe once everything calms down, we will simply reset to normal. So we accept.

We accept all the physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual violations they can come up with. As long as things get back to normal, as long as we get that ‘high’ from being with them, everything will be fine.

Related: Living with Abuse: Why Didn’t I Ask for Help

Most abused partners tend to show signs of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment styles {4} in their relationships. We feel desperate to develop a relationship that mostly exists inside our minds. Driven by emotional hunger, we tend to want our partner to complete us. Instead of experiencing genuine love, we hold on to a distorted concept of love that only results in us becoming insecure, anxious, needy, and desperate.

The more we try to cling on to our abusive partners, the more abusive they become. The more we tolerate. This in turn constantly hits our self-esteem until it diminishes to a point where our sense of self-worth is completely dependent on our partner. We may even feel that abuse is their way of expressing the passion they feel for us. Why would anyone behave so obsessively if they didn’t love me? We feel scared that if we don’t let them vent their anger, they will leave us and find someone else to be with, to express themselves.

This is why we rationalize and endure abuse.

Yes, there are many ways we rationalize abuse inside our minds. But there are many reasons for it too. Here’s why.

  • Abuse results in distorted thoughts. If you believe you triggered him or you deserved it or that it’s not as bad as it sounds, then you are simply not thinking right. Abuse is traumatizing and can make you confused, doubt yourself, feel guilt, despair, and self-blame.
  • We all feel social pressure to build a perfect relationship, especially in this age of social networking. Social norms force us to cultivate a ride-or-die mentality where we feel the need to stick to it till the end. So we may not even realize we are in an abusive relationship.
  • Abuse destroys our self-esteem. With damaged self-worth, we feel that we are worthless and feel a strong sense of guilt. Thus making it harder to leave and start fresh.
  • After the abuse comes to the makeup phase. Once the violence has stopped and the screams have died down, the abuser makes you feel special again by apologizing and doing something nice. The promise of a better future leads to false hopes in our hearts.
  • We don’t want to be left alone. As your abusive partner will often isolate you from your family and friends, you feel lonely and afraid. It feels as if we lose them, no one will ever love us again.
  • Life can be complicated. When you are in an abusive marriage or have children together and share finances, it might not be as easy to leave, even though you want to.
  • We believe that things can change. Love can tame the wildest beast. Maybe. But not an abusive narcissist. Believing that our partner will change sooner or later if we stick with them can make us tolerate the worst abuse one more day.

Stop living in denial.

Related: How To Leave A Narcissist Or Abuser

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