The #1 Way For Guys To Kill It In Relationships

way for guys to kill it in relationships

Men sometimes have a tough time understanding women’s needs, but honestly, it’s not really that confusing and complicated. There is a small secret that can indeed help guys to kill it in their relationships.

Okay men, here’s the deal. Most women only need one thing from us men to make them happy. It’s really simple. No, you don’t need to buy her expensive stuff or deal with her problems. It is something much more meaningful and deeper that will help you understand what she actually wants and build a lasting connection between you and your partner. 

The fighting man or feeling man. In my last post, I spoke about both. But I did not speak about another kind of man – the Fixer.

He shuts off feeling by trying to fix. He’s the solutions guy. He’s super logical. And yet often a woman feels empty with him, wondering, where’s his heart?

When she talks about how she’s feeling down, or she has no time, he tries to fix it.

Well, baby, let’s see if we can get you more childcare. Then you can take better care of yourself.

Many women struggle with this part of the man. What they really want is a connection.

Related: The 7 Fundamental Elements Needed In A Healthy Relationship

I wish he could just hear me. I don’t need to be fixed. I’m not one of his shop projects.

The Fixer is the subject of the “Nail in The Head” video. It’s hilarious.

A young woman has a horrible headache. She’s talking to her partner about it. She’s seeking his attention. She just wants to be heard about her pain.

He looks at her in disbelief. It’s so simple. There’s a nail in her head. At least he sees it. We see it too. It’s clearly there.

But maybe it’s not really there. Maybe we see it because the camera is showing us the man’s point of view.

Is there really a nail in her head? Anyway, she just wants to be heard – about how she has this horrible headache and only if it would go away…. But he wants to tell her about the nail.

“You’re doing it again,” she says. “I hate it when you do that. Stop trying to fix me!”

What’s a guy to do in this situation? Why can’t she see he’s trying to help?

And so guys are just like – WTF? I’m just trying to help you.

But she wants to be heard. She wants to feel like she’s not a project you can fix, but a human being you can love and hold. Her trust relies on it.

So a guy might shift to “listening.” So, he listens and listens.

He either breaks through his “fix it” tendencies and really has a breakthrough or he gets fed up after 10 minutes (he hasn’t said a word the whole time) and screams, “Jeez, babe, I can’t be your goddamn girlfriend. This is killing me.”

I’ve seen many men hit this wall. Why?

Simply, biologically the male brain is wired for action. And when a man listens idly, he experiences anxiety.

On the evolutionary scale, men have two instincts – fuck it or kill it. (Ken Wilber) And when he can’t move into action, panic sets in.

And it’s only in the last fifty years that women have demanded he does something else. Something else typical of the female evolutionary instinct – Relate to it.

This is a HUGE leap for all men-kind. Millennium upon millennium vs. 50 years. Women, get this please– we as men are going through a massive shift.

And guys, yes, our contemporary partnerships demand that we now relate and connect with her. We can’t always pull the nail out of her head. And we need help to do differently.

Below are five ways any man can “kill it” in the listening domain. To be in a relationship with more joy, less anxiety, more connection, and sex.

Here Is How Guys Can Kill It In Their Relationships

1) Number One

Stay active in your listening. After a few minutes, ask her to pause, and repeat back to her what she’s saying. “I hear that you’re upset, that you feel I’m not around much…”

This allows you to use your natural “doing” energy towards good “listening” purpose. It helps with that hopelessness we often feel as guys when we’re doing nothing but just listening. We begin to realize listening is doing, and it’s hard work.

Related: 6 Essential Qualities of the Happiest Relationships

2) Number Two

Don’t take on her stuff. As fixers and rescuers, we men tend to think her problems are because of us. Even if she says it’s because of you, remember, it’s her problem, her challenge. Not yours.

You might be part of the solution, but that can only happen by listening without reacting. And to not react, we have to be in touch with our triggers, hooks, and the little boy within.

When my ex-wife was in a spin, I found myself saying to my inner boy, “She’s freaking out. It’s ok. That’s her. That’s not us. We’re fine. We’re fine, little guy.”

And that allowed me to be ok and stay present with her when I felt like I wanted to strangle her. Really, I wanted to strangle the feeling of anxiety.

3) Number Three

Listen only when you’re present. Don’t try to listen when you’re exhausted after a long day of work.

Instead, ask for what you need — Can we talk about this after dinner when I’m more present for you? I’m exhausted right now.

Listening when you’re present and have energy is respecting yourself and her. It’s also called healthy boundaries.

4) Number Four

Fire your superhero fixer. Release the burden of making her better. It’s not your job. You don’t have to make anything better. Breathe. Relax. And hear her. Listening, without fixing, is a gift for you too. No need to take on so much.

5) Number Five

Create a time container. Yes, guys, we know she’ll talk on and on if you allow it. It’s how she processes. And it drives us mad. Start out with five minutes. Even set a timer, then speak back what you heard, then ask, is there more?

She’ll go for it when she sees a set container of times allows your male mind to stay in the game.

That’s it. That’s how you kill it for her. Oh, and one more thing. A big one for the women out there.

Related: Satisfying These Three Needs Makes Her Feel Loved

While you don’t want us always to pull the nail out of your head, remember that fixing is how we as men often show our love. Try sometimes to accept it. Receive it. Open to it. It’s our gift. We feel loved when we can give it to you.

And somewhere in the middle, between listening and fixing, we shall meet to grow, love, and cherish one another.


Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola
The #1 Way For Guys To Kill It In Relationship
The #1 Way For Guys To Kill It In Relationships
way for guys to kill it in relationships pin
way for guys to kill it in relationships

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

What is a Trophy Husband In Today’s Relationship Dynamics?

Signs of a Trophy Husband: Exploring Modern Masculinity

Most of us are aware of the term “trophy wife”. But have you heard about a “trophy husband”? It is a somewhat new term that is a gender-swapped version of the more popular concept of “trophy wife”. 

In today’s evolving society, where gender roles are constantly being redefined, there’s a rising trend of trophy husbands. These men are not only eye-catching companions but also possess qualities that make them desirable partners. 

Today, let us explore this fascinating concept and understand what is a trophy husband,  the signs to look for, why being a trophy husband is exhausting, and the potential issues that can arise in relationships with them.

What is a Trophy Husband?



Up Next

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? 7 Signs Of Roommate Syndrome And What You Can Do To Change That

Feeling Like Roommates In A Marriage? Signs Spark Is Gone

Are you feeling like roommates in a marriage? You know, that sinking feeling when you realize the spark has fizzled, and your relationship has become more about paying bills and coordinating schedules than love and connection.

The thing is, roommate syndrome is more common than you think, and many couples face this, after being together for a long time. When you are in the roommate phase of a relationship, you might ask yourself why and when the romance disappeared or if you’re both just pretending to be happy.

But that might not be the case. In this article, we are going to look at what is roommate syndrome, the signs of roommate syndrome, and how to deal with roommate syndrome, so that you stop feeling like roommates in a marriage.

So, let’s get started, shall we?



Up Next

Am I In Love Or Just Experiencing Limerence? 5 Signs To Look For

Limerence vs Love? Signs That Differ From True Love

Are you head over heels for somebody or have you plummeted into limerence? Learn the distinction between limerence vs love to make sure that your romantic bond doesn’t turn into a serious addiction.

Limerence is a psychological state that can leave you feeling exhilarated but confused. This state isn’t just another word for love. It has unique properties that differ limerence vs love.

What is limerence vs love?

In simpler words, limerence in a relationship when someone is madly in love with another person. So much so that it affects their mindset and they can’t think of anything else but him/her.

It might not seem too different from love.



Up Next

8 Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Ways To Upgrade Your Relationship

Do you feel like your relationship has lost that spark from before? If you answered yes, then you should know that many couples go through this, which is why it’s important to know how to improve your relationship. This article is going to talk about how to strengthen your relationship and upgrade your relationship.

It seems like it should be natural to treat our partners with love, consideration, and respect. Yet, for many people in long-term relationships, the warmth and kindness that were present in the early days of dating can fade over time.

Most people treat their partners with the utmost respect and kindness in the courting stage. The relationship probably wouldn’t have progressed if they hadn’t. Why do so many people present the best version of themselves early on, and over time, treat their beloved partners with disrespect, di



Up Next

5 Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

Ways To Rekindle The Spark In Your Relationship

If you feel that the spark in your relationship is gone, then let me tell you something – you can rekindle the spark in your relationship again! Now the question is, how to reignite the spark in your relationship? How can you make your relationship feel like the olden days again? Let’s find out!

Remember the feelings you experienced when you first started dating your spouse or partner? Perhaps you felt excitement, attraction, and anticipation? As the relationship has progressed, has it been difficult to maintain those initial feelings?

Once life’s responsibilities, careers, kids, and the passing of time are added to the mix, that initial spark can easily diminish if we don’t keep it stoked.

Fortunately



Up Next

How To Deal With Your Partner’s Obsessive Ex? 4 Tips For Successfully Handling One

Deal With Your Partner's Obsessive Ex: Tips And Tricks

Have you ever had to deal with an obsessive ex? Moreover, have you ever had to deal with your partner’s obsessive and toxic ex? If you have, you already know how disturbing it is to go through this. This article is going to talk about some of the best ways to deal with a toxic ex or deal with your partner’s toxic ex.

My friend is happily married to a man who has a child. He is a devoted and loving father who sought full custody of the children; the court denied his petition.

His two children are living with their narcissistic mother who actively alienates the children from their father. His ex was obsessed with him during their short and turbulent relationship. She was deceitful, abusive, controlling, and highly destructive. They hooked up while drunk.



Up Next

Are You Hesitant To Commit? 6 Warning Signs Of Lack Of Commitment In A Relationship And How To Navigate Them

Signs of Lack of Commitment in a Relationship: Red Flags

Do you always find yourself in short-term, casual relationships? Does the idea of committing in a relationship make you nervous? Are you showing signs of lack of commitment in a relationship?

Commitment issues can be a significant barrier to building a healthy and fulfilling partnership, affecting both individuals involved. Today, let us explore what are commitment issues, the signs that may indicate their presence, the underlying causes of commitment issues, and effective strategies to overcome them.

By understanding these factors, you can empower yourself to navigate the complexities of relationships with greater confidence and clarity.

Are You Afraid of Commitment?