This is a HUGE leap for all men-kind. Millennium upon millennium vs 50 years. Women, get this please– we as men are going through a massive shift.
And guys, yes, our contemporary partnerships demand that we now relate and connect with her. We can’t always pull the nail out of her head. And we need help to do differently.
Below are five ways any man can “kill it” in the listening domain. To be in a relationship with more joy, less anxiety, more connection, and sex.
1) Number One:
Stay active in your listening. After a few minutes, ask her to pause, and repeat back to her what she’s saying. “I hear that you’re upset, that you feel I’m not around much…”
This allows you to use your natural “doing” energy towards good “listening” purpose. It helps with that hopelessness we often feel as guys when we’re doing nothing but just listening. We begin to realize listening is doing, and it’s hard work.
2) Number Two:
Don’t take on her stuff. As fixers and rescuers, we men tend to think her problems are because of us. Even if she says it’s because of you, remember, it’s her problem, her challenge. Not yours.
You might be part of the solution, but that can only happen by listening without reacting. And to not react, we have to be in touch with our triggers, hooks, and the little boy within.
When my ex-wife was in a spin, I found myself saying to my inner boy, “She’s freaking out. It’s ok. That’s her. That’s not us. We’re fine. We’re fine, little guy.”
And that allowed me to be ok and stay present with her when I felt like I wanted to strangle her. Really, I wanted to strangle the feeling of anxiety.
3) Number Three:
Listen only when you’re present. Don’t try to listen when you’re exhausted after a long day of work.
Instead, ask for what you need — Can we talk about this after dinner when I’m more present for you? I’m exhausted right now.
Listening when you’re present and have energy is respecting yourself and her. It’s also called healthy boundaries.
4) Number Four:
Fire your superhero fixer. Release the burden of making her better. It’s not your job. You don’t have to make anything better. Breathe. Relax. And hear her. Listening, without fixing, is a gift for you too. No need to take on so much.
5) Number Five:
Create a time container. Yes, guys, we know she’ll talk on and on if you allow it. It’s how she processes. And it drives us mad. Start out with five minutes. Even set a timer, then speak back what you heard, then ask, is there more?
She’ll go for it when she sees a set container of times allows your male mind to stay in the game.
That’s it. That’s how you kill it for her. Oh, and one more thing. A big one for the women out there.
While you don’t want us always to pull the nail out of your head, remember that fixing is how we as men often show our love. Try sometimes to accept it. Receive it. Open to it. It’s our gift. We feel loved when we can give it to you.