A few months ago, I would have never guessed this is where I will be today
So much of what I have is exactly what I asked for
I know I am where I need to be
But then again, I have always been so hungry for next
And sometimes when it is so hard to be where I am all the time…
I drift and come back stronger and more willing,
I drift by spacing out in my own mind, by singing out loud in my car, by dancing all night.
I drift to heal… I drift to forget,
I drift by letting myself go… be vulnerable and indulge.
I drift by not having to be good at all times,
I drift so I can stay around and be able to be still when everything else is moving.
It’s hard… it’s so hard, it makes me feel chained and anchored as much as it is grounding,
And my biggest fear is I stop being still.
I run, hide, dive into all the things that are not what I need to be around; the distractions; the diversions.
My biggest fear is I fear suffocating, and chase the momentary relief of what seems to be the reward.
I don’t want to go but I also don’t want to stay,
Not here… Not like this.
I want to stay in the stillness of your eyes when they see through my actions,
I want to stay in the stillness of your embrace comforting me.
I want to stay in the stillness of the laughter we share,
I want to stay in the stillness of the warmth of our surroundings when we are together
I want the stillness that stems from the flow between us.
A stillness rooted in the life we are together;
The life we bring into each other’s lives.
A stillness of thought, emotion, and belief
A stillness where we both surrender to the odds of the good there is.
The predicament is when you know there is so much that is and so much that can be…
You can no longer accommodate the reasons,
Because all the reasons are null before the forces of a man’s and woman’s flowing energies combined.
No reasons are legit, and all reasons are reasoning no more!
When you know there is so much that is and so much that can be…
You can no longer just be… you want to become!
I will not be in waiting for the right time, moment, occasion or seek a status of readiness;
I will not tag along until the window is open for things to happen,
I will not hold on for later, when all I know and ever wanted is NOW!
I refuse the silence that disguises in stillness,
I rebel the space that suffocates me in emptiness,
I decline the hugs in which I feel unnoticed,
I scream quietly calling your name asking for you to notice!
Notice my patience as it slips away,
Notice my agony as I cling for your touch,
Notice my presence before it is overtaken by your absence.
Notice my heart bounding, hoping you would notice before its too late.
It is obscure how we can be non-present while together;
How we want to show care by not paying attention,
How we drive the passion of love into the boredom of habit,
How we say nothing while talking too much,
How we don’t listen to what we require to be told,
How we are consumed by the very things we loath,
How we hold on to most things we want to let go.
It is rather cynical how we fall in the trap of doing exactly what we once vowed to never do!
How what was once a dream coming true, is unnoticed because of the hard realities we don’t detach from.
Unnoticed in your arms is how I feel every time you treat me with habit!
Unnoticed in your arms is how I feel every time you hold my streaming passion!
Unnoticed in your arms is how I feel every time you give me out of obligation!
Unnoticed in your arms is how I feel every time you avoid my presence no matter how much you need it!
Unnoticed in your arms is how I feel in your arms!
Unnoticed in your arms is how I feel!
Unnoticed in your arms,