Is An Unhappy Marriage Better Than Divorce?

unhappy marriage

Do you think being in an unhappy marriage is better than getting a divorce? Well, some might say yes and some might say no. But the answer ultimately depends on you and your partner and a lot of other important factors.

Here’s how to decide for yourself.

Marriage, like the love that leads to it, rides many waves of change. And not all are fun. So asking, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” isn’t a yes-or-no query.

The answer, of course, ultimately lies with you and your spouse. But arriving at the answer shouldn’t be an arbitrary, heat-of-the-moment, feelings-only process.

If you’re at a point in your marriage where you’re contemplating “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” we need to talk.

Ironically, talking — how much, how, when, with what intention — is often what’s missing in marriages on the threshold of divorce. In one way or another, communication is at the root of most problems.

If you research advice regarding staying in or leaving an unhappy marriage, you will get answers across the spectrum. And the black, white, and gray of them all will have just as many shades of suggestions and directives.

A person looking for a reason to leave will find one. A person looking for a reason to stay will find one. The availability of advice and justification for any choice is abundant.

And that’s why it’s so important to consider the source of the information, and especially to commit to complete honesty with yourself and your spouse. Ultimately the decision to stay or separate belongs to the two of you. So do the consequences of your choice.

Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce? There will never be a blanket answer to that question. There can, however, be an answer for your marriage — but only if you have an unequivocal grasp on why you are unhappy.

Transitioning through the seasons of love can be confusing, conflicting, even painful. Sure, you may expect that the honeymoon won’t last forever. But how can you possibly know during the fairy-dust stages of falling in love and planning the perfect life that the magic dissipates?

Related: Is Your Bad Marriage Bad Enough To Leave?

Love grows, evolves, and writes its own story in the context of life. It has growing spurts and growing pains just like children do. And, just like children, sometimes you don’t fully recognize it. Sometimes it bores you to tears, and sometimes you just flat-out don’t like it.

But one thing’s for sure. Just as with children, if you aren’t paying attention to your love as it goes through its changes, you’ll miss it.

You may not even know if what you’re feeling is unhappiness or simply boredom. You’ll just be aware that the elation you felt in the early stages of love and marriage isn’t there anymore.

If you aren’t communicating consistently with yourself and with your spouse, you may misdiagnose your situation. And the last thing you want to do is make a lifetime decision on the basis of misinformation.

Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce? The first step in helping you decide is knowing what an unhappy marriage looks like.

Below are several predictors of an unhappy marriage. Keep in mind that these are not reasons to give up. They are simply symptoms that, depending on number and intensity, can indicate a marriage at-risk.

  • Abuse
  • Addiction
  • Infidelity
  • The absence of sex and visible affection
  • Lack of genuine engagement
  • Leading separate lives
  • Drastically different values
  • Blaming one another
  • Fantasizing about life without your spouse
  • Disinterest in your spouse’s company
  • Control issues
  • Not fighting anymore
  • Feeling unheard
  • Unmet needs
  • Unwillingness to get help or work on the marriage
  • Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and/or stonewalling

Research studies support what may be surprising to those who feel unhappy in their marriages and don’t see a path to happiness.

Unhappiness is almost always temporary. And there are normal, predictable places in a marriage where it is more likely to rear its dreary head. Like after the birth of a child, when everything changes.

Surprised? If so, consider further that those who stuck it out reported feeling happy in their marriages five to ten years later. (And no, that doesn’t mean they were “miserable” during the time between — only that they were happy they didn’t give up.)

If you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage and are wondering, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce,” consider the list above. Also, consider the gravity of any of the signs as they relate to your marriage.

There are a few situations in which the reasons for unhappiness may warrant a less tolerant decision.

The first should come as no surprise. Abuse in any form is dangerous emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and potentially physically. It often starts off as verbal and emotional abuse and escalates from there. Safety for every life in the home needs to be the top priority; therefore, specialized professional intervention is warranted in cases of abuse.

The second situation involves addiction. Again, the safety of everyone in the home has to come first. Addiction requires very specialized professional help, and should not be tolerated without it.

Related: What To Do If You Have An Unhappy Marriage But Are Afraid To Leave

Infidelity, as devastating as its consequences are, doesn’t have to be a death sentence to a marriage. And the majority of the time, it’s not. Those marriages that not only survive but thrive after infidelity, do so because the spouses get down in the trenches to rebuild their marriages. They not only rebuild, but they also re-create.

And within that last sentence is perhaps the biggest criteria for determining if your unhappy marriage is salvageable. Have you done the hard work of working to improve yourself and your marriage?

If your heart-of-hearts answer is ‘no,’ then how do you think you will ever be happier somewhere else or with someone else? Marriage is hard work.

Ask any old couple that has been married a veritable lifetime how they did it. How did they get through children, wars, bankruptcies, affairs, boredom, illness, fights, and sadness to wind up inseparable?

Inevitably they will tell you that they led with love, committed with love, fought with love, kept their promises with love. They found happiness in the journey. And they knew that happiness wouldn’t be greater somewhere else.

When asking, “Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce?” it’s imperative that you consider more than just your own feelings and wants. Are there children involved? Would they truly be better off without their parents together? Are you prepared to deal with all the ugly consequences of divorce — co-parenting, divided assets, courts, loss of family and friends?

If your marriage has reached the point of contempt, or is based on domination-submission, abuse or addiction and enabling, perhaps divorce is the healthiest answer.

If, however, there are feelings left unexpressed, good deeds deferred to indifference, and self-improvement left to lack of effort, then you may have your answer.

Is an unhappy marriage better than divorce? Ultimately the decision comes down to your values, expectations, and self-accountability. More often than not, even a slight shift toward prioritizing your spouse and infusing hope into your marriage can make all the difference.

Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and personal life coach. She helps her clients navigate the challenges of divorce – from the moment it enters their mind as a possible solution for the discontent they feel in their marriage (it’s not always the best answer), through the turmoil of getting divorced, and on through creating a fulfilling life post-divorce. You can learn more about Karen and her work on her website.


Written by Dr. Karen Finn
Originally appeared on Dr. KarenFinn.com
Is An Unhappy Marriage Better Than Divorce
unhappy marriage Pin
Ads

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



Up Next

How To Date A Widower? Finding Love Again

Dating A Widower: Tips and the Red Flags You Can't Ignore!

Picking yourself up after losing a spouse is a traumatizing experience. Learning how to date a widower will allow you to provide a safe space for healing for the man you love and care for.  

If you’re thinking about dating a widower, it’s important to know how to handle things. It can be a tricky road to navigate, but can provide you with a loving and fulfilling relationship.

This article is here to help you out. We’ll give you some simple tips and advice that can make things easier for you.

How To Date A Widower? 

When it comes to dating a widower, it’s essential to approach the relationsh



Up Next

How To Get Over A Failed Marriage

How To Get Over A Failed Marriage: Nine Strategies For Healing

Is your marriage going down the drain? Do you feel heartbroken, lost and confused, with no apparent way to make things better with your spouse? Well, you can still heal yourself and move on. Let’s explore how to get over a failed marriage.

A Union of Blessings or Pain?

Marriage is often considered a sacred bond between two individuals, filled with love, companionship, and dreams of a shared future. It is a union bestowed with blessings, often from a higher power.

However, not all marriages have a fairy-tale ending. When a



Up Next

7 Common Lies About Life After Divorce You May Have Heard: Thriving After Divorce

Seven Common Lies About Life After Divorce You May Have Heard

When someone gets divorced, some people are really eager to feed them all sorts of lies about life after divorce. There are so many lies you may have heard about life after divorce. Even though life after divorce is not exactly easy, but it’s never as bad as it’s made out to be by most people. 

There are several lies you may have heard about what to expect from life after divorce. Life after divorce can be tough and emotionally painful no matter what the situation is. However, it can be a struggle or it can be a time of great healing and rewarding on so many levels.

You may find that you come to a crossroads after the divorce is fin



Up Next

5 Reasons Why I Fired My Therapist After Divorce

Five Reasons Why I Fired My Therapist After Divorce

This post is going to talk about why sometimes firing your therapist might be a good idea, after you file for divorce. Let’s find out the reasons behind the author saying “why I fired my therapist after divorce?”

I fired my therapist after deciding to file for divorce. Firing my therapist was one of the best decisions I made for myself after my separation. My ex-husband and I had been going to counseling together in an attempt to save our marriage. Or at least I was trying to save it.

My ex-husband was gaslighting both of us d



Up Next

5 Brutal Reasons Divorced People Threaten Married People: The Challenging Dynamics Revealed

Divorced People Threaten Married People: Five Brutal Reasons

Have you ever wondered why some divorced people threaten married people? It’s an intriguing phenomenon that can stir up a range of emotions and reactions. 

The truth is that married people are threatened by divorced people in ways that may surprise you. In this article, we’ll delve into five compelling reasons behind this intriguing dynamic.

Read more here: 9 Warning Signs Of Resentment In Marriage And How To Deal With Them

What Are The Possible