7 Ways To Transform Clingy Insecurity Into a Superpower For Healthier Relationships

transform clingy insecurity into a superpower for healthier relationships

Clingy Insecurity Leads To Sacrifice 

Not to mention, our deepest insecurities can motivate us to maintain emotional and/or physical closeness to our partner at all times. As a result, we often sacrifice our autonomy and can become intrusive of our romantic partner’s life, which can lead to more relationship problems.

While protest behaviors may get your partner’s attention from time to time, they encourage intrusive, coercive, and aggressive behavior towards a relationship partner leading to relationship dysfunction, dissatisfaction, and eventual rejection or abandonment. In other words, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I will tell you from experience, it’s terrible to feel so overwhelmed with the fear of being abandoned by your partner that you behave in these crazy ways only to have your fear become true because of how you behaved.

I felt shame for behaving in the ways I did in that relationship. It was completely out of character for me. And my insecure behavior became a big motivator for me to improve my relationships.

You’re Only As Insecure as the Relationship You’re In

For many of us, myself included, being unaware of how our clingy attachment system works to prevent us from creating or finding a secure relationship. My attachment system was constantly activated in my relationship with Crystal because of her emotional unavailability and opposing attachment strategy.

When I felt insecure I sought to get closer to her. When Crystal felt insecure, she distanced herself from me, which lead to a roller-coaster relationship. The closer I got, the more she distanced. As a result, we exacerbated our insecurities which lead to more clingy thoughts, feelings, and protest behavior on my part. This made the relationship worse for both of us.

This is much different than the relationship I’m in now. My partner and I cherish each other, support each other, and team up to work through our problems. We’re far from perfect, but I know without a doubt that she is there for me through thick and thin.

The trust and security we have built make it easier for me to reach out for reassurance in a calm way when I’m feeling insecure, and since my partner is responsive and caring, my attachment alarm goes silent and we reconnect. My clingy attachment alarm has actually brought us closer because I am able to express my needs in a productive way that gives my partner clear directions on how to calm me down and make me feel loved.

Read: How To Stop Feeling Insecure In A Relationship

What I’ve Learned About My Clingy Attachment Style

What I’ve come to learn is that my clingy attachment insecurity was a byproduct of two things:

  • How I thought and behaved in a relationship, and
  • How my partner chose to respond.

By taking responsibility for improving on my end, I was able to, with difficulty, walk away from partners who did not value my needs and find partners who were responsive to my relationship needs.

As a result, I was able to transform my insecure thoughts, feelings, and behaviors into something that could strengthen my relationships.

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Kyle Benson

I've had the privilege of working with men and women on a wide range of relationship issues. I've helped individuals:Leave toxic relationships to find a healthy relationship that makes them feel calm, grateful for the person in their life, and deeply valued by their partner Close the emotional distance between partners so they feel deeply connected to each otherResolve relationship conflict, leading the couple to become closer and more loving than they ever thought imaginable Remove sexual anxiety to create intensely passionate and longer-lasting sexUse problems in the relationship as catalysts to help individuals grow into their highest potential (and become more awesome lovers)Our coaching sessions are tailored towards reaching solutions that improve your relationship quickly. Read more about my coaching programmes here, Relationship Coaching or Email me at Kyle@kylebenson.netView Author posts