11. You feel a need to prove that you are happy (even though you are not) and that you need us to know that this is the case.
You consider ways in which you can convey this message to us. Don’t bother. We know you are torn apart and we will just laugh at your attempts to pretend otherwise. We can still sense what is really going on. Instead of appearing happy you would do better to appear neutral and unmoved.
12. You wonder what you could do to win us back.
You really shouldn’t bother but you don’t have to do anything because we will hoover you soon enough.
13. You wonder what mistakes were made that caused the relationship to fall apart.
How long have you got for us to list your litany of transgressions? The fact is that this is the case from our perspective. You did nothing wrong.
14. You begin to imagine what is going on in between those four walls, that you knew so well once upon a time, becoming fixated with considering what is happening.
Everything that happened between you and me. It is actually frightening just how similar it is.
15. You relive the day you had with us and think about whether we are doing the same things with the new person as we did with you.
Of course, we are.
16. Do you want us to explain why we did what we did?
Not going to happen. We need to keep you hanging on for answers and closure.
17. You try to make sense of what has happened but you cannot.
This does not, however, stop you from running the whole relationship through your head over and over again as you seek to find answers. There is no point in doing this. The answer does not lie there.
18. You sit and ask yourself are we thinking about you?
No, we aren’t. You don’t exist to us until you appear in a sphere of influence and then it is hoover time.
19. You ruminate on whether we miss you at all.
We don’t miss you at all. We might miss your fuel at some point.
20. Does she kiss us like you did?
Yes not that we care.
21. Do we love her more than we loved you?
We will tell the world and you (and her) that we have never loved anyone like this before. Of course, we have. It is always the same even though it is not love as you understand it.
22. Have we kept the gifts you gave us?
Yes. They will be used to hoover and triangulate.
23. Why have we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep the new target happy.
24. Why haven’t we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep you hanging on.
25. Why are we saying those things about you to other people?
It’s a smear campaign, get used to it. Everybody gets them. You are nothing special.
26. Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?
27. Why does it feel like no matter what you do we always seem to win?
Because we change the rules to suit us.
28. Will we ever speak to you again?
Oh yes. When it is hoover time.
29. Will our friends and family still acknowledge you after everything that has happened?
No. The smear campaign is in effect. They will when we hoover you though.
30. What if she is “the one”?
Of course, she is. The replacement is always the one (until the next one).
Now you know.