Our lives are our responsibility, and we have to accept that in order to attract quality partners.
Stop looking for some sort of fairy-tale champion to swoop in and rescue you. If you feel like life is overwhelming you or dragging you down, figure out what’s going wrong and then figure out your own way back to the shore.
No matter how much we might love someone — and no matter how much they might love us back — they cannot give us self-confidence, they cannot give us our ambition, and they cannot give us our abilities or our worth. Those are things that are completely determined by us, and us alone.
We are the masters of our own lives, and we are in control of how happy or sad we are within those lives. Partners do not make us happy, but they can contribute to the greater sense of joy we get from the overall experience of joy.
5. Find happiness internally.
Along the lines of salvation, happiness is another factor in this life that we mistakenly contribute to having a partner alone. Relationships (on their own) cannot make us happy. If partnerships alone were all that was needed for joy, there wouldn’t be so many people in therapy.
Our romantic relationships are complex, and while they can certainly add to our overall experience, they cannot define us and they cannot fill that nagging hole inside.
If you are sad outside of your relationship, you’re going to be sad in your relationship. Think about your ideal partner. Are they happy? Sad? A complete misery to be around? If we want happy, well-adjusted partners: we have to be happy, well-adjusted partners. Putting the expectation of your happiness on someone else isn’t only unfair — it’s selfish too.
Find happiness internally and stop expecting the outer world to give it to you. We make the conscious choice each day to see this world how we want to see it. We can take in the misery around us and allow it to absorb us, or we can make the choice to be happy and find our way to building a life that is entirely our own (and fulfilling).
Before you go searching for a partner to give you that joy you’re looking for, try cultivating it for yourself.
6. Know (absolutely) what you want.
Perhaps the biggest mistake we make before bumbling into any relationship is not spending enough time considering who we are and what we want. More often than not, we find ourselves in toxic and poisonous relationships because we bumbled into them while stumbling through life.
Bumbling and stumbling happens when we don’t have a clear plan insight and we don’t have a plan. When you’re lost, you meet other lost people along the way. No one knowing where you are going, you find yourselves in places neither wanted to go.
Spend some time getting to know yourself, and spend some time getting familiar with what you really and truly want from your life — and any relationships that might exist within. Don’t shy away from your truths, and don’t allow the opinions and pressures of others to push you in any direction you don’t want to go.
Only when you are brutally honest with yourself can you attract the right partners who want the same thing. If you want flowers and picket fences and 2.5 kids — be honest about that, and don’t hide that in an attempt to make the wrong person fit.
Be who you are, and through that authenticity find those who truly align with you and your journey. Relationships that stand the test of time aren’t forged through personal similarities or sheer will alone. They’re managed by the unification of two people who are seeking the same things from their lives.
Putting it all together…
Finding the perfect partner is hard, and it’s not made any easier by trying to overcome the daily challenges of modern life. We want a relationship that adds stability and joy to what we’re trying to build, but that often takes a lot more internal work than we realize.
If we want the perfect partner, we have to be the perfect partner, and that takes getting real about what’s holding us back.
Attract the perfect partner by becoming the perfect partner. Work on yourself from the inside out and identify the things in yourself that you want from your future partners. Let go of your emotional baggage and make peace with your past, so you can come to the table with a clean slate and the ability to honestly and earnestly connect with someone without your insecurities and hangups getting in the way.
Stop expecting your partners to make you happy and create that happiness in yourself. After all, we have to be what we want to attract into our lives. Happy, confident people attract other happy, confident people. Spend some time falling in love with yourself and spend some time getting to know (inside and out) what you want from your partner and your relationships.
Check out E.B. Johnson’s Medium profile for more such articles.
Written By E.B. Johnson
Originally Appeared In Medium
Now that you know which toxic relationship types to avoid, make sure that you actually do so. Toxic people are just not worth your time. If you want that perfect partner for yourself, work on yourself first. Don’t compromise on your self-worth and happiness by getting involved in these toxic relationship types, which you should avoid like the plague.