“Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.” – Levine and Heller, ATTACHED: THE NEW SCIENCE OF ADULT ATTACHMENT AND HOW IT CAN HELP YOU FIND AND KEEP LOVE.
For example, if your partner makes you feel insecure and anxious about your relationship with them because it’s unclear if they are 100% committed, then your body is going to activate hormones that will stress you out and make you obsessively focus on trying to regain security in the relationship.
If you have a secure relationship in which you know you can depend on your partner, then you’ll feel calmer more often and, paradoxically, you actually become more independent because you know you have a partner who is there for you. This is called dependency paradox.
7. I Know Everything About My Partner and Myself
As the famous psychologist Dan Gilbert says, “The only constant in life changes.” This is true of you and true for your partner. Even being the relationship nerd that I am, I know I still have tons to learn about myself and my partner.
As the famous novelist and critic Marcel Proust says, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
As soon as you can acknowledge that your partner’s inner world will never fully be explored and there’s so much more to learn, the easier it will be to sustain desire over the long haul. Asking questions and understanding your partner’s inner world is a gateway into long-lasting love.
8. If I Have to Ask For What I Need, Then My Partner Doesn’t Love Me
In my article, If Love Takes Effort, Was It Meant to Be? I highlight that it is impossible for couples to know what is on each other’s minds without direct communication:
“The quality of your relationship depends on your ability to understand your partner and vice versa. The secret to understanding each other better does not come from mind-reading but through the hard work of putting our partners in a position where they can tell us their minds openly and honestly.”
As an adult, in an adult relationship, you have to work on openly expressing your feelings and needs in such a way that your partner can understand and support you in meeting them.
1. Blogger Mark Manson argues that our attention economy promotes a form of media extremism that is designed to capture our attention, and we fully consent to it. According to Manson, “The problem is… how we choose to use technology. Is it serving us or are we serving it?”
2. The Gottman Institute highlights that couples who team up and feel they are in their life together despite their differences have an easier time building a strong emotional connection. See Maria Walley’s article: Here’s Why Lack of Compatibility Won’t Be the Reason Your Marriage Fails
You may also like:
- Why Romance Turns Toxic: The Psychology Behind Love & Relationships
- 5 Damaging Mindsets Keeping You From A Happy Relationship
- 6 Sad Ways You End Up Ruining The Intimacy In Your Relationship
- 9 Common Negative Conflict Patterns That Damage Relationships
- 3 Innocent Ways Women Ruin Relationships