To The Man Who Broke My Heart: You Were Once A Blood Running Crimson In My Veins

You, Yes you.

You ran a mile from me. I was never a priority. You never break down the walls for me, you never build a bridge and I realized I don’t deserve these. I know you are not perfect and you’re not fair and  that’s okay. 

But thank you for always trying to make things imperfect for both of us. An immeasurable thank you for not taking care of us. Thank you for the love that hurts, that’s difficult, that never gives hope and that doesn’t grow. For sending me on a journey that led me to love myself more.

I hate you. I fucking hate you for all the things you’ve done.

First, I hate you so much because you made my heart swell in loneliness. For causing me a deep void of pain and for breaking my heart over and over again.

I hate you for coming into my life like the way some people are walking in and out of a bar. Entering when they want a sip of champagne or a taste of whiskey. And just leave with unspoken words whenever they want. You were the only person who wasn’t brave enough to say at least one word that despite what I thought, I too, deserve an explanation for all this mess.

I hate you for putting all that you have into bringing out the worst in me, in each moment. Those long nights and early mornings that you weren’t there for me.

I hate you in each time you draw an emotional wall between us and that I was always trying to build a bridge. I hope you know that.

I hate you for always driving me crazy. It’s when you ignore my existence I feel unloved and not being cared for.

I hate you for playing your games with my heart. I’m not a toy designed just for your amusement, just for your fun, just for a thrill of just being with me.

I hate you for not loving me as a woman and as a human being. You are nothing but a chauvinist boy.

I hate you for letting me walk around being starved for the smallest crumb of your attention.

I hate you for taking me for granted and for instilling in my mind that my fucking presence in your life is never valued and appreciated. For all the nights I spent crying.

I hate you for telling me all the passionate declarations when you know deep in your heart that it’s a fucking lie. For pretending an emotion you never feel at all. For all the truths that you distorted into lies.

I hate you for letting me crave and yearn for true love, something more, something deeper and something real.

I hate you for the sight of the undulating swing of every day’s crushing sorrow. And because of that, I have learned so many lessons in life.

I hate you for making my world fall apart. For making me scared about life each time I go to bed at night.

I hate you to the moon and back. I really do.

I don’t want to be chronically depressed and living in constant fear for not bringing out the best in me and that I will stop chasing all the dangerous bullshits. I’m so tired of disappointments, heartbreaks, and endless fights. I’m tired believing everything you tell me.

You. Yes, you.

You are in me, like a blood running crimson in my veins. But, I will take you out in all the parts of my body. I will grow brave and will finally live a beautiful life without you. I will find my own way about life alone because I know, I know deep in my heart that I still love myself. I’m not going to love you forever.

 

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Bea Pilotin - Writer
A woman who is passionate about coherent words.
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