I know, I know I should stop and I swear I’ll stop, but there are lots of things I would like to say to you that, for many reasons, I haven’t said to you yet. I don’t think I’ll have another chance so here it is, hoping you won’t hate me for the umpteenth letter.
No, don’t worry, I’m not going to shove the truth down your throat, this an easier and calmer truth.
I’m starting from that one beer you’ve offered. I’d really like to say yes to go out with you and drink that beer, you almost convinced me to go. But I couldn’t let you win because I know how it would have gone for me: I would have felt in heaven with you at the same table as me, chatting in front of that beer and then? Pain. Again. So, no. Thank you. I didn’t want to fall apart again. Saying yes would have been masochistic.
You love speaking by metaphors, that’s one of the things I’ve always liked about you (yeah, I know there are only a few things I don’t like) and I’ve always understood the meaning. Dunno what makes you specify those were metaphors, ‘cause every time you point it out I had already replied with the same metaphor in a more complex way.
Moreover, thank you for pushing me saying I have control on myself. I want to really thank you because, yeah, I know I have control but I lost the strength to do it. I lost it but now it’s back again and it pisses me off giving you this value, too!
We all have the control on everything and, as you told me, you had the control on that Friday night but there wasn’t the strength to keep it there. I think that’s because we right off chose not to put limits or control on us: we didn’t need them.
I know you think you’ve been disrespectful and you’ve taken advantage of me and my body, especially that night, but get it out of your mind. You’ve always been so respectful of me, I’ve never thought you took advantage of me ‘cuz I’ve always been fine. Everything you’ve done, be sure, I wanted more than you did.
Whatever you’ve done to me, from making me smile to making me cry, I’ve let you do it.
Stop thinking the world would be better without you, stop thinking you don’t deserve a future, hope or other bullshit like “I’m a damage”, you know you’re wrong, you live in this world. At this moment, I know you’re not living but surviving resigned, taking whatever you can get but, if this world looks like this, it is also thanks to you, to your life, your websites and, sooner or later, thanks to your music.
I saw you, I saw the real you and I know you’re not this kind of person, you’re more than this like I’m more than barf and tears. You know you’re not like the others, but you say it as you want to humble yourself instead of keeping it as your key-strength.
The truth is you’re like one of the best person I’ve ever met, in spite of everything. As I told you, if you were like the others, I wouldn’t have been here for so long, writing to you again, after all this time and, fuck off, I shouldn’t have let you make me cry or laugh.
I don’t think you consider me like the others and maybe that’s why you never grow tired of repeating “you’re incredible”, always making me smile.
I should tell you to go and fuck yourself, I should hate you, block you out, erase you. That’s what people want me to do, but I won’t because I’m incredible.
I won’t hate you.
I won’t fuck you off.
I won’t forget this year with you, it was so damn beautiful ‘cause you’re incredible, too.
So, I’ll always keep you with me, with John Mayer reminding me of you with his perfect songs and chords.
I won’t block you on socials because, even if it looks like a cinch, seeing your likes or comments through my notifications makes me feel better, esteemed.
I’ve never given a shit about what people say, except if it was you, in real life as much as on socials.
I won’t block you on WhatsApp and I won’t delete your chat because, maybe, one day, you’d like to have a beer, a muffin or easily bringing me back in your own life or, maybe, you’d like to be yourself again without a struggle.