To The Girl Who Hasn’t Been Herself Lately

to the girl who hasn't been herself

Not only have I been told many times that I am not to blame and I need to let go of my past, but even when approaching authorities trying to “turn myself in” I had been told that I had done nothing wrong and I was not who they were looking for. Instead, I let anonymous accounts bully me and I lay low and I stopped myself from becoming as “great” as I could be because I am afraid of what people will say now. There was even a director who told me he wouldn’t work with me because he’s so early in his career and doesn’t want to associate with me.

“One day I will prove him wrong,” I said to myself. But then I disappeared and I’ve been laying low ever since.

I don’t care about this director. In fact, I pity him and am aware that I am the one who dodged the bullet. I don’t care about anything except for the victims of this horrible scam, but I want to be able to forgive myself. Not for doing anything bad per se, as I truly was unaware of what was going on; rather for being aligned with the situation so much so that I had inadvertently become part of it. Or maybe there’s no need to forgive, rather accept that I needed to be immersed in immense darkness in order to experience and help those around me experience light.

Regardless, I feel that I deserve better but that every time I am blessed, I need to feel embarrassed or lay low or feel bad. I have a resounding playlist in my mind that I made up, where I hear people say “how do they live this life? Where does all this come from? There must be something shady.”

My past experiences seem to give Carte Blanche to those who have always been jealous of my independent and unique nature and want to bring me down, regardless. They use these anecdotes to discredit and undermine my accomplishments and then get people to jump on this bandwagon with them. It helps me to see who is weak, but still, it hurts.

I don’t care. I need a way out of my own head – a way to accept that this is part of my past and that I love my past regardless of these moments because it made me who I am now. From this horrible experience, I met my husband who is changing the world by teaching about Crypto and DeFi (decentralized finance) and inadvertently taking part in building a system that will enable millions of people around the world who previously had no opportunities, to be in charge of their own lives and finances.

From these horrible experiences, I became vegan and fully aware that the foods I consume directly impact my thoughts and actions. From these experiences, I became an extremely forgiving person towards those who need forgiveness the most, who feel the most isolated. From these experiences, I will become an understanding and loving mother to my children.

And yet still, why am I afraid to go back into the limelight and shine as brightly as I was always meant to?

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