There are some things you don’t know how to let go of and the idea of us was one I held onto so tightly.
I’ve never looked at someone so confidently and sure. My friends watched me self-destruct believing in something that was only an idea.
Because with you, I thought I’d be safe and secure and taken care of. I tried so desperately to play the role of what you needed in someone while what I needed was security.
If only we could get there first. If only every star aligned the way it should have and we were both in the same place at the same time emotionally ready to jump into this thing.
But we never found that. Instead, we found every reason to continue prolonging it.
We always found each other between relationships and heartbreak and trying to healing but we were never in the places, physically mentally and emotionally that we needed to be in to take that next step.
I always thought I was ready for you. But when you try and force someone to be what you need rather than what they are, you’ll be left in states of resentment. Maybe you never resented me but I couldn’t make you the person I knew you’d one day become no matter what I did or how hard I tried.
I still remember the night you told me there was someone else. I didn’t think much of it because of how many people we’ve seen come and go. But this time it was different. This time it was real.
And while she lived the life with you I only ever dreamed of, I still sat waiting, hoping, wishing just maybe it could still be me.
It seems everyone else has moved in with their lives. Every person we ever dated or were interested in, found someone to be their forever. And here I was alone.
UNCERTAIN IF I WAS TO BLAME BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP ON YOU IF YOU HADN’T GIVEN UP ON ME FIRST.
But this is me choosing to let go of the idea of us. Because that’s all it ever was.
Sometimes I wonder if you really believed I could have been the one for you. Sometimes I want to ask do you ever look at her and wonder about me? Sometimes I wonder if any of this was real or just a feeling I liked to hold onto?
This is me letting go of the idea of us because I deserve to be more than just an idea. I deserve to not have to wait for when someone might be ready based on circumstance. I deserve a love that believes in me the same way I believed in you.
I just wonder if I’ll ever believe in someone that much again. Sometimes I wonder if I want to.
This is me letting go of the idea of us. And forgiving myself for getting so lost in someone I lost myself.
I think part of me will always love you and value you what we had even if I don’t know what that is really.
But this is me letting go of the idea of us because you did the second she walked into your life. I just hope I meet someone who can do that for me. Someone who will teach me that letting go is the first step to holding to something and someone real.
Written By Kirsten Corley
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