You feel like you can’t move forward, and you can’t go back. Your ex is not an option, yet you can’t date anyone else because a) You’re not ready and b) You believe that you’re still in love with them. You haven’t gotten to the place where you can meet your own needs, you’re not comfortable being alone and you ‘re still seeking external validation, so you miss having someone there. The thinking is that just having someone to care about them or at least pretend to care, is better than being alone, regardless of how damaging the relationship may be.
6. Feelings of Pain and Fear
I remember walking around my neighborhood, I forced myself to go out and be around people, but everywhere I went I traveled with this ginormous ache in my chest. I was so heartbroken. Pain and fear were my only companions. I hadn’t felt good in so long I’d forgotten what it felt like. I saw people laughing and having fun and I envied them so much. I wanted people around me. I wanted to be loved and cared for, but I had to battle through this feeling.
I can recall moments early on in my healing where I just wanted to stay in bed and hide under the covers. I remember lying there and just staring at nothing. Everything felt so hopeless. I’m happy-go-lucky by nature and being in this space was so uncomfortable. I had to battle my way through this feeling. Though it really helped spur me into action because being there, in such pain, was worse than the thought of changing.
The road to healing isn’t smooth, it’s full of bumps, curves and seemingly, never-ending twists and turns. It takes someone with a monumental amount of strength to do the work and battle these heavy emotions. You won’t be the same person going out, that you were going in. Throughout this journey, you learn a lot about yourself, who you are, what got you here and where you need to go next.
One of the greatest gifts I received along the way, was inner peace. It’s sacred and I am constantly reminded of the price I had to pay to acquire it. I protect it and I don’t allow anyone or anything to take it from me. I can tell you, in all honesty, I wouldn’t trade any of it for 1000 lifetimes with my ex. I solved the riddle of my life, I healed my childhood wounds and I found self-love. These things are worth the fight – I gave up a toxic relationship, dependence, pain, fear and self-loathing for calm, peace, joy, happiness and autonomy. I’d say that’s a win.
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Written by Savannah Grey
Originally appeared on Esteemology.com
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