In spite of his volatile, harmful behavior, you are grateful for his change of heart and you are optimistic that his remorse is genuine—so you forgive him, you have makeup sex and you enter the “calm-loving-respite phase.”
Having forgiven him, you are doubly-emotionally invested in the relationship.
Inevitably, he begins to batter you again and you are drawn deeper into the traumatic bonding experience.
Your emotional suffering is profound. You are conflicted by the intense love-hate-regret-sorrow-fearful feelings you have for your boyfriend or husband. One minute you despise him and you want him out of your life permanently and the next morning you can’t live without him.
Unaware of the dynamics of the abuse-trauma-bonding process, you describe your acute emotions as best you can—you call it love and you lament to reunite with him.
Your life becomes a constant act of emotional survival.
The cycle of abuse is a roller coaster of tension building, battering, and honeymoon.
The more times you are abused—the more times you experience your abuser’s rejection, cruelty, and treachery. If you try to leave him, he controls you with his threats and insincere and short-lived promises to change and he convinces you to stay in the relationship until his next episode of battering and violence.
Every time you reconcile with your abuser …
- You adapt and learn to cope with his disapproval, rejection, deception, cruelty, betrayal, and anger that progressively destroys your self-worth.
- You are telling him you condone his abusive behavior, giving him the green light to increase the frequency and intensity of his abuse.
- You incur more and more self-doubt, confusion, disbelief, depression, guilt, shame, isolation, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness.
- You become addicted to experiencing the “honeymoon phase,” craving his love, acceptance, and approval.
- Your sense of helplessness and dependency on your abuser increases.
Don’t ignore your oppressed reality.
If you don’t understand the destructive dynamics of an abusive relationship, you might not understand what is happening to you.
Your abusive partner’s centralized goal is to define your entire life’s experience. His abuse gradually strips you of your confidence, ambition, joy, independence, and self-worth, rendering you totally dependent on him for your security, happiness, and welfare.
Recognizing abuse for what it is, an attempt to gain power and control over another is the first step to regaining your personal power.
Learn everything you can about abusive relationships and innately angry men; read books and online articles. Don’t suffer in silence; get counseling and confide in your friends and family. Develop an exit strategy, leave him permanently, begin your personal healing and start to rebuild your life.
Guys, flip the dialogue, women can be equally nasty critters.
Written By Nancy Nichols
Originally Published on knowitallnancy.com
Printed with permission
We hear from many people who are in or was into abusive relationships, they say that they love their abusive partner and they wonder, “Why do I love someone who has hurt me so much?” It’s definitely a strange, confusing feeling.
If you’re struggling with feelings of love for an abusive partner, it could be for a number of reasons. Let’s dive into this article to understand what might be contributing to these feelings.