The Path Of Awakening

I had been a rebellion back when I was growing up. I would always get into conflicts with my parents, quarreling for what is just and what is unjust. I was at an end being a mirror every day to my parents trying to help them figure out where they were going wrong. I had been societally appropriate as a child because I had what is right and what is the wrong outlook based on what the society had taught me.

I grew up with negligence. I would hear my parents fighting like hooligans. I would also hear recurrent sounds of slaps or flying slippers ending up on my mother or on me. I would be frustrated. I would disdainfully blame alcohol. As a child, I would repeatedly ask my mother to get married again and simply get me a better life.

I would rant and be dejected. I would end up being a shy, mysterious, creepy, silent and annoying child in school holding every quality to get bullied. I would come back home only to weep and fear to not go to school regularly. The process continued and I began to detest going to school. I was unheard because besides being shy, I was equally embarrassed by my strange personality. I didn’t quite know a way out.

Decades passed and the situation strikingly remained the same. I had now grown up to an adolescent, well aware of a lot more things than I was, as a child.

I began to spot messages of other men on my mother’s phone. I strangely began to grow hatred for my mother. The only friend I had made in all my life, the only person who seemed to listen to me eventually got a life beyond me. I had never been close to my father. I would be stormed with abuses, comparison with my cousins or be just beaten up by him. As a child when I would be asked who loves me more, my mother or my father, I would bluntly answer, ”My father doesn’t love me.” I had no man to set an example as the inspirational man in my life.

I grew tired of checking her messages and fighting with her. However, I had not reached the maturity to know my family issues or understand the psychological issues of a woman at the age of thirteen.

I grew up a little and all I can tell you is that I began to fall in love with the concept of love. I loved the feeling of togetherness by the time I was fifteen. I had my first relationship back then which of course didn’t work out. I grew up to be an insecure, obsessed girlfriend to whom the relationship was the most important thing in life.

The more I grew, I began to get close to my mother. I would realize the emotional needs she required. I would understand the reason for her unending phone calls. I would understand the reason for the messages I had grown up reading. I would come across conflicts what extra-marital affairs can lead to. I had been dumped too once by a boyfriend who was scared to know that I have parents who have boyfriends and girlfriends too.

However, I grew up only to increase the number of boyfriends’ list in my life, getting serious with almost most of them, being extremely loyal, loving, caring a girlfriend. I had extremely low self-esteem and would often be over-possessive in my relationships. A lot of times, it became a reason I was left alone. I didn’t know what the sources of my problems were. I didn’t know where the strength seeking urges arrived from.

However, I finally began to realize things and bring in changes in my character. I fell in love again and again. The last time I fell in love was perhaps for the longest. I was in a two and a half years relationship. I was in extensive love and had been a girlfriend who could do anything for her man. I had been miserably hated by his parents for my family. I had been judged. I had also been redirected to psychiatrists during the relationship. I had been physically abused the endless amount of times but I still chose to stick around. I have seen my mother too being beaten up and being physically abused, so it became just a normal thing to me.

In two years I transformed finally to a much-matured human who can tell you how the dots actually connect.

 I had been beaten up by my boyfriend time and again and didn’t lodge a complaint  I couldn’t because I was in love and wouldn’t be able to tolerate that he would have his life doomed for eternity.

However, after this incident, my life completely transformed and this is what I have to tell each one of you out there.

 

1. Feeling Unworthy:

A lot of us feel jealous during a relationship. Instead of blaming your partner or blaming yourself. Try to figure out the root of the jealousy. I would have breathing problem around my partner when he had too much of attention to give to others of the opposite sex. I realized later that it was an outcome persistent craving of attention since my childhood.

 

2. Choking deep inside:  

A lot of times I would choke due to my partner’s activities. He would dominate over me, check on my phone and be equally possessive. I was initially extremely happy. However later I began to choke. I would be scared to message people, even to my friends of the same sex because I knew it would lead to a fight later. If you choke, try to talk it out. Don’t make the same mistake as I had done. If talking to your partner does not help. Talk to someone who is elder to you .

 

3. Endless Conflict:  

We kept fighting for something or the other. We never came to a conclusion. He would beat me up and I said nothing because I have seen even my mother getting beaten up. I would instead in self-defense beat him up too. We would end up in different sex positions to resolve. Sex is never a solution. If after carcinogenic fights, you end up in bed or a drive or a trip, trust me you are heading towards the worst.

 

4. Sudden Attraction:  

Deep down, I knew I wasn’t doing any justice to myself. I detested being treated as an asset. I hated that he would hate if his friends spoke to me or I spoke to them. A lot of mutuals were aware of issues between us. Everybody, of course, warned me to step out of the relationship but it had been the longest and I didn’t want it to end. I miserably fell for other men, got sexual, cheated after being beaten up. I would also come back to him to confess my mistakes and get beaten up again in that process which I would allow out of guilt. There’s nothing to feel guilty. When you are realizing the flaws and finding a way to get out of it. It is a simple hint that you should. The relationship will take you nowhere. It’s time to curb the attachment.

 

5. Haphazard Lifestyle: 

If you sleep more than what a normal person does, avoid moving out of the house or getting into a conversation or hanging out with your friends. If you feel completely hopeless and the best solution to you is to cover yourself with a blanket, you are heading towards the cave I ran out of. If your lifestyle is getting haphazard and you don’t quite know what you should do. Trust me to try analyzing everything from the beginning chronologically. You will end up with the answer you already know.

 

6. Humiliation:

No human has the right to constantly humiliate you or physically abuse you. Get that straight to your mind that it’s actually wrong and unlawful. If you are being humiliated constantly. For me I was being humiliated by him, his family at a stipulated interval of time. I would also be judged for my family issues and be abused. My mistake was to not protest. My mistake was not being able to take a stand for myself because I would lose him. I could move ahead only when I began to realize I didn’t actually need him.

 

7. Self Identification:

All the problems I have faced or anyone can face is due to lack of self-esteem, identity crisis, and fear of not being worthy enough. If you are facing any of the above-mentioned problems or this. You should simply stand in front of the mirror. Talk to yourself. Talk about every chronological event in life and figure out what the aim of your life has been since childhood. Try to figure out what you always wanted to do. Try to figure out what is that identity you want to provide yourself with. How do you want to identify yourself as?

 

8. Fear of the dark:

When you have figured out a way you want to identify yourself as. Think of the major impact of it in boosting your self-esteem. You have feared enough. You have feared so much that you are used to the dark. You can now go back to your (5)mode without any hesitation and even in the presence of people. So stop fearing and start working on it.

 

9. Realization:

Once you have realized. There is nobody who will be happier than you will be. You will want to utilize the same amount of energy you have wasted for the wrong. For example the relationship for me.  After realizing, start using up all your energy to fulfill that dream. You know what? You know you can do it!

 

10. Self-actualization:

As Maslow’s hierarchy pyramid states, this is the most important part. The self-actualized state is when you realize everything around you and can accept everything as they are and can start working on making life better . I have realized I’ve hampered my career in the course of the relationship and I’m trying to figure out ways to rebuild it. I hae given up on feeling pathetic and sad about life. I have self-actualized myself to what is good for me and what isn’t.

 

There’s nobody who has the right to physically abuse you. If you can’t protest for your own self. If you can’t take a stand for your own self, nobody else will. Love is not the most important thing in your life but your self-esteem is. Try building your own self. If you are messed up. Think of the events in your life chronologically. The entire picture will be clear to you. Love yourself first else others will fear too.