If you can relate to anything I’ve just unpacked here, know that you’re not alone. This is a very common phenomenon. It is your responsibility though, to step out of it if you want to create healthy clear love.
So, how do you break this cycle if this is where you‘re at?
What’s the key to finding love?
First, you must realize that your emotional experience is your responsibility and see the game that you’ve set up, that in order to feel happy, secure, free, loved, desired you have believed you need a partner.
Just become aware this.
And this game of, “I can’t feel the emotions I want until I’m in a partnership” is authored by you and therefore, you have the power to dismantle it.
So start to flirt with the idea, that a relationship might not make you happy. I know plenty of folks in a relationship with the “right partner” at one point that don’t feel any of those things above. In large part, because they never practice creating those feelings for themselves.
The secret is to discover how to arrive at that destination of contentment, feeling loved, secure first, without a partner.
Now look, on this path, there are going to be periods where you do feel discontent, sad, disappointed with not having a partner. This is normal and natural but the way through these feelings is to not run from them. And it’s not to try and fix them or distract yourself from them (like checking your phone incessantly whenever you feel lonely).
It’s not to make these feelings wrong or run from them through achievement, workaholism, or judgement that you SHOULDN’T be feeling this way – judging the feelings leads to them staying stuck. The way through these often painful emotions is to be with them.
To welcome them to welcome all of them as guests. To build intimacy with each of them and expand your relationship with the present moment self. To use each emotion as a gateway to building a more resilient, loving relationship with you. That’s the path to finally finding love.
To say yes to the present is to say Yes to yourself.
When you are in the right relationship with the present moment, you come into right relationship with yourself as a creator of your experience. You‘re then gifted with the ability to author a more compassionate story about why you are where you are. It’s an opportunity to practice self-love and intimacy through communication with yourself in a way that builds all of the necessary scaffolding you GET to bring with you as an offering into your next relationship.
No more putting pressure on someone to fix your experience. No more not recognizing love when it’s staring you in the face.
Relationship at that moment then becomes a platform for you to give and be, rather than a place for you to take from. That’s the key to finally finding love that exists forever.
I believe this poem by Rumi captures the essence of this “being and welcoming” the present experience.
Related: 12 Tips To Self-Love And Compassion
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
What’s your experience about finding love?
Let us know in comments.
Please share this article with anyone who you may think will find it valuable and helpful.
Written by: Clayton Olson Originally appeared on claytonolsoncoaching.com and is republished here with permission. Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals the 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Man or grab his free guide 5 Secrets To Create An Extraordinary Relationship.