These few days I had to go through one of my most terrible fears. Every time I actually thought about it, the terrible monster grew up in proportion and covered me with its ever growing shadow.
The negotiations with myself – the constant efforts of my mind to comfort me – ended without results. I was hopelessly scared. The more and more I thought about it, the more it took power over me. When the moment came to actually face the fear and fight it directly, I got paralyzed, totally uncoordinated, mute and irrational. In one word – dumb.
I felt 15 again. When faced with the fear directly, you feel as if a time machine is taking you way back to the primary source that produced this terrible emotion.
So, I was 15 again, seated in the same type of chair, facing the same type of fear, waiting for the same type of action to start melting me down without mercy. I knew exactly what to expect, but what I haven’t figured out was how to overcome it, how to win in this situation.
I felt this young girl again. She has just bloomed. Quite a lovely bloom. They all are! But with strangeness in proportion. A bloom completely open to the world. With innocence that attracts everything.
She is not aware of her powers yet. She somehow thinks there is too much muchness about her, which is probably a burden rather than a privilege. She treats her powers more like weaknesses and that constantly holds her down. As I meditate, the picture of this girl gets stronger. She is at a party now. She is the life of the party. Free and open. Dances to the music. Smiles all along. She is the center of attention – the center of the world. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Full of self-worth. Reachable but untouchable. Gentle and furious.
As I remembered what was imprisoned inside of me, I got fuller and fuller. There are things that get lost throughout the years. As you come of age, you put aside innocence, dreams and ingenuity. You become part of the flow, and yet, you see yourself constantly swimming in the opposite direction. And suddenly it all comes back to you in a flash. A chance. An echo of the things put aside. So precious, it should never be missed. Just at the most terrible moment, a chance presents to you, for renewal.
The moment of utmost dread is the moment of full liberation. “Ok, so this is happening and I am taking part of it regardless of my fear.”
Think positive thoughts. Do not run away.
Think of something nice.
Think of ….the songs your husband used to play to you when he was wooing you… think of the music…..how he sang to you………..in worship of what you really are…
His Jersey Girl….nothing more and nothing less………but His Jersey Girl…..
So who is a Jersey Girl? There’s a chance you’re one – but residency isn’t all it takes.
“The Girl has a specific character. First there are the surface qualities: A love of an unpretentious good time, and a certain sense of style. Jersey Girls are about attitude. They’re about eating pizza, drinking beer, having great hair- and enjoying it all.She’s a girl who enjoys the mall, might wear more makeup than the Ivy League would approve of, and gives some thought to her hair. She’s got a mouth on her. She says what she means. And she’s got a nice, cheerful laugh. She’s spunky and witty, and she handles competition very well. She’s got that confidence that moves mountains.Don’t mistake her toughness as a lack of refinement. Don’t misjudge her sometimes “brash” manners as a lack of ‘classiness.’ At the center of the crunchy sweet exterior, she is tuned in and knows how and what she’s working.A Jersey Girl doesn’t have to have a high-powered career, but whatever work she does, she gives it her all – and she takes care of her family at the same time.