So when I say love and toxic in the same sentence it is love but what you have to realize is, it wouldn’t have been toxic if the love was reciprocated.
And that was the difference. I loved him and he couldn’t love me the way I needed him to.
We each needed something of each other and we kept trying to find something that wasn’t there. We kept holding on and hurting each other because that’s what we were used to.
And people ask was there a breaking point?
And there were a lot of little things.
Sitting in my car outside his house because I wasn’t allowed in. Sneaking around and hiding because we were some secret. Meeting girls and I had to pretend like it didn’t faze me when in reality if I pulled out my phone and showed her a conversation, I could have ended things right there. Going stag to events I wanted him to be my plus one too and always being let down.
But the truth was there wasn’t a single moment where I had enough because, with every one of those moments that should have pushed me away, I was like a moth to light it attracted me more.
But after a while, I just got really tired. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. And the truth was, I walked away still loving him. I walked away still thinking the world of him. I walked away still thinking he was a great guy.
Because the truth was, he was and is a great guy. And what took me years to realize was we weren’t good together.
Trying to force anything will just end in destruction. This so happened to be self-destruction.
And as years passed and we reconnected not at a level of intimacy but friendship. I looked at him and flashes from the past always came back to me looking in his eyes. But an even more clear moment was sitting across from him as we stared at each other and I felt nothing.
I was over him. The same person I never thought I’d get over, I did.
And we parted ways with a kiss on the cheek and him being the one to say I love you first and I knew this time he meant it. And I drove away listening to the song that used to be ours and it no longer hurt.
What I learned about overcoming a toxic relationship and allowing it to be a friendship first was about forgiveness. The second, was about the love that didn’t fade but changed form. And third, was sometimes the people we want to be with most are the ones we are best without. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not get what you want. Because it’s only then, you get what you deserve.
Written By Kirsten Corley Follow Her Work On Facebook